EP # 141 Familiar suffering and how can we break it.

Robb (: 00:01

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Suspended. I am Rob along with my co-host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

Tina Marie Garcia (: 00:06

I'm good today, Rob. It's a nice day out for once. I'm digging it.

Robb (: 00:10

Man, I know, and I don't think any, oh, I shouldn't say that, I was about to jinx us, but I do believe, is it for the weekend as well? No, just Friday, oh, thank goodness. Yeah, but today, very bizarre, like 75 degrees out today. Like, yeah, very, yeah, I'm just guessing on what it was today. Yeah, it said 76 here today, so.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 00:15

Rain Stars Friday.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 00:19

just Friday. But yeah. This was the first day in months I didn't wear a sweatshirt. Yeah, it's I think it's a little bit higher here.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 00:39

Mmm.

Robb (: 00:40

Yeah, and where I work, I think it was even a little higher. So very bizarre. Like when I got in my car, I cracked my windows because I work in a place where it's generally hot. I cracked my windows and I got in the car today and was like, whoo, roll down all the windows, like open the sunroof. I was like, I gotta get some air in here.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 00:53

Yeah.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 00:58

It was 78 here and we have not had like warm weather in the longest and it was kind of nice. I put on a t-shirt and I was like, should I take a jacket? Should I not take a jacket? And I'm like, I'm not taking one and I didn't need it. So but I will in a couple hours.

Robb (: 01:03

Yeah.

Robb (: 01:10

Yeah, and it was and it's very it's very bizarre though because like the mornings are still chilly You know, it's like I mean I would say borderline cold for some people So it's but it's you know, it's almost like a weird Pseudo-california winter, you know how we have like warm days, but chilly in the morning and chilly at night. So You know, it's

Tina Marie Garcia (: 01:16

Mm-hmm.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 01:22

Mm-hmm

Tina Marie Garcia (: 01:32

Yeah.

And if you see all over the country right now, there's so many crazy, uh, weather things happening, the tornadoes and the flooding and the snow and the, and the just chaos that's coming with it. I'm kind of happy to be in 78 degree weather, wearing a pair of capris and a t-shirt life is good.

Robb (: 01:42

Snow.

Robb (: 01:55

Yeah, it's kind of weird though, because like a guy I work with works in or lives in Big Bear. He got two feet of snow over the weekend. So think about that. Yeah, my dad in South Dakota, also snow. Yeah, so not a shock for sure. You know? Yeah. So

Tina Marie Garcia (: 02:04

Oh no, I can't.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 02:10

Really?

Tina Marie Garcia (: 02:17

Not fun.

Robb (: 02:21

I gotta hold you today because as always, I listen to other people's podcasts on the way to work. And I'd love to tell you who the quote was by, but it was on one of my favorite podcasts. And it's funny, I hate to keep saying it, but Modern Wisdom, it's really good. But he was talking with this relationship coach.

but he quoted a different person and I thought it was very poignant, right, for a lot of different people and I think from different perspectives because I think it's not just a relationship thing, it's more of just a human being thing and I'll tell you why I think that. So it says, you're suffering not because you deserve to suffer, but because you become far too familiar with the feeling of suffering.

Which I think is a pretty... I mean it's a...

Tina Marie Garcia (: 03:19

Well, are you, are they're saying that suffering has become the normal? So that's why they stay in the situations or?

Robb (: 03:24

I think he, something like that is, I think from the relationship standpoint, yes, but the two guys that were on there started talking about like, everyone has their own suffering. It's not just relationship based and it can be. And I think that they were doing that, but like this guy, the coach goes to him and he goes, so what do you suffer? And he goes, I'm, I always feel guilt.

because I don't think I'm doing enough to get ahead and I work really hard, but I need to be doing more. So we all have like a form of suffering, right? Whatever it is. And I liked it from that point of view as well. Like obviously a relationship thing is one thing, but I think we all get in a familiar thing of suffering where this guy's doing well, right? He has a very good podcast, a lot of people listen. I think he just hit like 2 million followers on one of his social media.

But even in his own head, he still thinks he's not working hard enough and he's guilty for taking time off. He even said, he goes, yeah, sometimes I wanna do things with friends, but I know I have to work. It's like, and he goes, and I know I shouldn't. I know I should take time and do things with my friends. So I'm guilty when I do it. And I was like, man, that is a form of suffering. When he doesn't do it, so.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 04:43

He's guilty when he does it and then he's guilty when he doesn't do it. So he set himself up for failure.

Robb (: 04:50

And he said it and he admitted that. He goes, I don't know how I'm going to get there. And again, this episode is a whole thing of that guy. So if you listen to the nearest episode that he just put out, it's a lot deeper than that because I haven't finished it yet. So, but I thought that was a pretty interesting statement that I think we do as human beings.

you become so familiar with suffering that you think that it's just what you do.

Robb (: 05:25

And I don't think I do.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 05:25

or you stay, I don't know if I would call it suffering, but you stay in a situation that doesn't serve you well. You know, you're always trying to be better, do more, but you've got yourself trapped in like this little box that because of your thinking, you're not gonna get very far.

Robb (: 05:45

Yeah, because you're kind of trapping yourself right because you think that you can Never ever get out of it. And I think that could also be in life right for people who

Tina Marie Garcia (: 05:48

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 05:58

Maybe we're raised in a rough neighborhood in a bad, you know, schooling district and a bad gang related, whatever it is. You always feel like I might as well just join the crowd and be whatever they want me to be and suffer, instead of giving myself the out of going, hey, I can really do this. And I'm not at all saying that that's easy because I don't believe it is.

But I think that we need to reprogram our own brains at some point and ask the right questions to get out of it.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 06:34

Well, I think a lot of people need to know what their self-worth is. And I don't think that in society we're taught to really have a high self-worth. You don't really have to work for anything to get what you want. You don't really have to be a certain way. You don't have to act a certain way to get anything from your parents. I mean, it starts like super young now. So if you don't go through the suffering and you don't choose to do differently to become more

you're going to sit stagnant and whatever comes with that is what you're going to get. I think that as human beings or how it used to be is if you wanted something and you worked hard you could get it but you learned to work or you learned to go to school or you learned to make more money, you learned to do what you needed to do to get what you wanted but I don't believe that people are taught that now.

Robb (: 07:30

I agree with that. I also think that a lot of people don't know what happiness is, right?

Tina Marie Garcia (: 07:38

You could only be as happy as you are internally. And that's huge for a lot of people. Cause a lot of people internally got a lot of crappy dialogue going on all day, every day. I hear it all the time. And it's like, how do you, how do you get out of this? You know, people will say, how did, how did you get past all that? And I'm like, first of all, I changed my freaking attitude. If I had an attitude like you, it wouldn't have happened. Like you can't.

Robb (: 07:42

Oh

Tina Marie Garcia (: 08:03

You can't see things as dire and that they're never going to change or that that's all you deserve or that that's, you know, that's what you're comfortable with. Well, yeah, if you're if you're any of those things and sit there and be upset and frustrated and mad and feel like you weren't treated the way you were going to, but I can't sit like that. I can't do that.

Robb (: 08:24

I mean, I think that we all have done it at some point, but I do my best not to either. I heard another quote during this thing that was from Will Smith, and he said, when I was poor and had nothing, all I wanted to do is, and I was miserable, at least I had hope, but now that I'm rich and I'm miserable, there's nowhere to go. And...

Tina Marie Garcia (: 08:30

Mm-hmm.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 08:52

What happened to the hope?

Robb (: 08:54

Well, I think because money generally becomes the hope, right? When you don't have anything, you wish that you had money, and that's your hope that keeps you going. But when you're rich and you're not happy, what's the next thing to get you happy again? And I think the point that these guys are trying to say is, you have to know what happiness is to you. Like, what is happiness? Because it's different for all of us.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 09:19

Hmm.

Robb (: 09:25

have all the money in the world but does it make you happy? And we can argue that fact that there's lots of people who in the entertainment business who have killed themselves. So that doesn't make you happy. So I think that's the starting point, right? Find out what it is that makes you happy.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 09:43

I think you have to look internally and see where you're at with things. Money will make you happy if you are happy spending it, if you're happy doing whatever it is that you're doing with it. It'll make you happy for the time being, but it's like anything. Once that stops, you're still sitting with you. And so whatever it is that makes you happy has got to be internal. It's got to start internal. The money is just a byproduct of...

Robb (: 10:05

Yeah.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 10:13

of what type of situation you're going to be in or what type of life you're going to have. It doesn't change happiness or sadness or anything. It doesn't has nothing to do with that at all. I mean, I know people that don't have a pot to piss in and they're worried every month about how they're going to pay their rent and they work their asses off. They're not happy because they don't have anything. But then I think about it. I'm like, but yeah, but when I talk to you.

you still sound like you're doing all right. Like, so you don't have money to pay the bills this month, you know, life goes on, things aren't the same anymore, but I hear you from the inside and you seem okay. You just got a temporary problem that needs to be addressed, but the insides got to, they just have to be okay. And I hear that with people. And when I hear that, I know that they're gonna be all right, because...

They're solid in their foundation.

Robb (: 11:11

Yeah, I mean, we've all gone through some kind of dire straight, whatever, whatever it is in your life. Um, but I think you're right. You have to find whatever that thing is. Uh, if you want to look at money and what you are inside, it has to be frosting to a cake, right? You, the cake is still good without any frosting on it.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 11:15

Mm-hmm.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 11:30

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 11:36

Frosting just makes it a little better, but it also can bring other problems, right? Money brings problems as well. I think it's...

Tina Marie Garcia (: 11:47

Everything that we seem to want in life brings us problems. So I want to have kids. There's your problems. I want to get married. There's your problems. I want to date somebody. There's your problems. I want to own a home. There's your problems. Like we go around and around, but I think that having un... What's the word that I'm looking for? Their expectations are set wrong. You know, if...

Robb (: 12:13

Mm-hmm. Well, yeah.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 12:15

If you're going to have a kid, know that you're going to be staying up late. Know that they're not going to listen to you. Know that they're going to treat you worse than they're going to treat anybody that babysits them. Know that they're going to fail classes. Know that they're going to get in car accidents. Know that they're going to get with a shitty little, what, if it's a boy is going to get a shitty little girl with a bad attitude and he's going to get his heart broken, like you just got to expect certain things because that's what happens in life, but your foundation needs to be solid.

Robb (: 12:40

Right.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 12:44

to be able to get through this, because it's not all that's going on in life. It's one situation in your whole lifetime that's going on.

Robb (: 12:50

Mm-hmm. And I think with what you're saying is correct, these guys had another thing of, they were talking about relationships as part of a byproduct of what we were talking about. And the guy kind of said something that was very interesting where he goes, a lot of people, and it's mostly women, but it's both. I don't wanna preface it that.

that most of them said, I wanna make sure that where I'm at in life is the person that I'm with is at the same level as me. You know, whatever that means. Well, he kind of said that too. And he says that most people don't say, I wanna be in love. That's not the first thing.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 13:29

Good luck with that.

Robb (: 13:40

It's I want to do this and I want to feel you know, I want to feel safe or I want to do it's like nobody now And and again, this guy's a love coach So he's talking about these things where no one comes the first thing out and says yeah, i'd like to be in love again Because it that's a good start. That's a foundation of what you're looking for The things that come with that, you know should hit their place um So for me, I looked at that

also in this scheme of things of, you know, you're suffering because you're only, you stop looking for the thing that is the most important to you. Because we think some things are important to us and they're not, or you might get into a relationship where you're like, yeah, this is where, you know, he's a good worker, he does this, he does this, but you're still not happy. So the expectation should be

love in the beginning, it should be the foundational thing of this.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 14:46

Should love be that or should it start even sooner? Should, should getting to know the person to see if you could truly have feelings without pushing it.

Robb (: 14:56

Yes, I think that that's also a thing with dating it's kind of funny though because he did say something during this he goes Look a lot of people want to find love and don't want to date and don't want to do the hard work because Dating is hard work or it can or it can be and I think he meant it by like

dating until you find someone, right? That's a lot of work. He goes, look, I'm an introvert. He goes, I don't wanna have to date a million people. He goes, before, and this guy, you know.

good looking dude, beautiful wife, dated like a singer, like good looking guy. But he even said, he goes, you know, after four dates with different people, he goes, I got to a point where I was like, ooh, I don't wanna do this anymore. Because he goes, two bad dates will ruin you, even though it shouldn't, right? And the way that he kind of said that too, it was like, look, if you have a bad date, take it as a, okay, I had a bad date.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 16:00

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 16:00

You gotta keep going. And some of us can't, and men have problems. He said men have a hard problem with that because our focus group is limited, right? Because we don't have the same dating patterns as women. You guys have way more people to date, easier for you guys, several things. So.

as part of this, he was kind of again, going back to that thing where we're okay, if we're familiar in suffering, it's okay, that some of us just go, okay, that's just the way life is going to be. And, and it's rough. And, you know, my friend down the street kind of put it to, to like, sort of like a drug use, right? Where, you know, you've been you've been in a relationship with somebody and it creates highs and lows.

and you know you're a drug user right and you know it's bad for you and you come down off of this high and you're like this is horrible but you get you that person in your life does something to make it good again which is a very narcissistic behavior.

Like, hey, I'm gonna bring them back up again, and then you go, oh, maybe they're not that bad. Maybe they're gonna change, and maybe that's gonna be okay. Well, I mean, I think that could.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 17:28

Sounds like a battered woman cycle though.

That truly does. There's a cycle that battered women do, or anybody that's battered does.

And they're miserable, they're miserable, they're miserable. So they will start to pick a fight so that they're getting the explosion on their terms. There's a huge explosion. Then afterwards everything comes down and gets back to normal and then, you know, the tension starts to build, build. And then that situation repeats. It continues and it seems like that's it's a cycle, but it's not I don't know. It doesn't seem like it's a very healthy place to be to go through that.

Robb (: 18:10

Oh, for sure. I don't think she was trying to say that it was healthy. I think it's also kind of the fighter's mentality, right? You know, you work, and then you fight, and then it brings you whatever that high is of fighting someone, and then you work your way back around. But I do see the drug reference where you do get that high, right? You see the best in somebody when they're acting their best.

And and you overlook the shittiness of it because you're you you're okay with that familiar of yeah Yeah, it's really not great all the time. But man he you know, we did this and he was great and it and it was good and he was good for the next four or five days or She was good and did this and then all of a sudden it goes to shit again because they do They show you their hand again

So you end up in this, like I had a male friend who had a girl in his life that was like that who at the right times was very good and at the other times it was horrible. I mean I dated a girl who was a lot younger than me who had her issues you know mentally.

but it was like a roller coaster ride. I mean, she was bipolar, but when it was good, I was like, hey, she's like not too bad. And she's not, you know, I hate to say crazy, but she's like, wow. It wasn't, I didn't, I felt like I was at the bottom of the hill of the roller coaster. I was like, wow, this is fun. And then, but man, when it was not good, it was fucking horrid.

And I was just like, you're bonkers and I can't take this. And I get, where's the seatbelt? I gotta get this thing off. Like I wanna jump out of this ride. And for me, I'm lucky it only lasted five months and it was on to the next adventure. But it was like that to me as well, where like I was like, man, she's having a good day. This is nice.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 20:04

Mm.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 20:14

Right?

Robb (: 20:29

Like she hasn't cooked out like nothing's nothing set her off and And and I think and I thought in my own head like, okay cool Like maybe this will be the way it is for a little while And and it was for you know, a week or two And then all of a sudden it would be like cuckooville where I'd be like, hey, you want to do something? She's like, yeah, I don't want to leave the house Oh, okay So

Tina Marie Garcia (: 20:58

I don't think I could be with somebody that's unstable like that. I need somebody that's more, no matter how they are, they need to be consistent for me to be okay in any situation. Up and downs like that. I don't think that I could work well with that. I wouldn't work well with that.

Robb (: 21:09

Yeah.

Robb (: 21:15

It was very hard. And that's where, like I was saying, where I got the drug reference, because I know people who, obviously, we both know people who have had issues with narcotics, and that is how it is. When they're not high, they're amazing. And I was like, wow, this is my old tag team partner. When he wasn't high, he was great. It was like hanging out with...

the guy that I was friends with five years earlier. But when he was high, it was horrid. But it did become familiar where you just saw him and you're like, okay, well, this is who he is now. And I can see that in a relationship as well where you're just hoping for that next sign of what made you like them.

I think maybe that's how I see it. You're looking for that sign. And I'll say it's probably like that in marriage, or it was for me. Like there were down times, but there was also times where I was like, oh yeah, this is what made, when I first met her, good. It didn't fix things, but it...

But it gave me that dopamine high of like, hey, we're all together, it's a family thing, it's fine, we're doing this stuff, everyone's good. But when it was not good, it was like, oh fuck, it's like, okay. The household was very unsettling, right? So I can see, but I was familiar with it, so I didn't like run. But I'm also kind of a fighter when it comes to relationships. So.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 22:51

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 23:02

that's also probably when you look at yourself or who you are, you're going to fight for something even though you, because you're fighting for those good times, not the bad.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 23:13

I get that.

Robb (: 23:15

So I don't know, I find it to be a very, it must be a hard thing to have to deal with that on a normal basis to where you're in a relationship with a narcissistic individual. And it's both sides, but I think men are definitely way more like that, like to manipulate, will manipulate.

how you are, you know?

Tina Marie Garcia (: 23:44

I don't think so. I think women are way better at manipulating and do more than men. I think men are men these days are kind of being on the up and up because they're like this is This is too much bullshit for me to handle and I think we're seeing a turn where guys are like they're getting really stable and like Okay on their own to not deal with that bullshit and i'm glad to see that because men have been taking it far too long but the women

Robb (: 23:49

Yeah.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 24:13

Now I'm seeing women have lost their damn minds with the way they act towards men. And and I see why men are just like not into it. Not.

Robb (: 24:21

Right? It's so funny how the dichotomy between me and you where I totally see it as a man thing and you're like, hmm, no.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 24:28

Yeah.

No women go well, I work with women all day every day. I do their hair I see people I hear stories like the stories are disgusting things that women do and On the flip side. I have men that come in also and they're like they're like no, man I just don't even want to deal with that like they don't they don't seem to be all irate. They're not calling anybody name they're just like

No, not anymore. I don't want to do that. So I'm seeing just in my world two different sites, not to say that men don't get caught up and get a little crazy from time to time because and they should, they should men are basically built DNA wise for that situation. They're supposed to be fighters. But I don't know it's like women have taken the

Robb (: 24:55

Right.

Robb (: 25:05

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 25:12

Yeah.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 25:17

the desire for them to fight over anything these days. That's what it seems like to me. Men are just like, fuck this, I'm giving up. Like, you're too much.

Robb (: 25:24

Right. What do you think about the difference of accountability between the two? Do you think we're kind of on the same level these days of like taking accountability? I truly think that no one takes accountability anymore. I think it's a very small thing to say, yeah, I did it.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 25:35

Uh-uh.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 25:47

You know what I have a problem with? Not only do people not take accountability, but they got reasons for their bullshit. Oh, I got OCD, PTSD, ADD, they, you know, I've got, everybody's got a problem. Everybody's a victim. Oh, it's because this happened to me when I was little or that happened to me. Nobody just says, you know, I was being an asshole. And when you meet somebody that says,

Robb (: 26:11

Yeah.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 26:15

I'm sorry, I was just in bad mood. I was being an asshole. I could work with that. I can't work with the excuses and the bullshit that to me and truly we live in a world where everybody's got a fucking excuse. My dad watches his parking wars on TV. Freaking drives me crazy. But if you haven't seen it, it's set in other states and where they're you know,

Robb (: 26:19

Me too. I work with that better.

Robb (: 26:32

Right.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 26:44

people park in the wrong places and the meter readers like giving them tickets. But I was only there for, for two minutes. I was only there for 30 seconds. How can you do this to me? And I'm like, you're parked in the freaking middle of the street. Like you're right in the middle of it. Where, where do you think people are going to go? Or they park on the sidewalk, or they park where it's a red and they, they've all got these like stupid. I told my father several times this freaking show pisses me off because all I want to say is you're dumb.

Robb (: 27:02

Right.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 27:14

Oh, you dumb. You thought you wouldn't get caught there? You're dumb. Like, no accountability. And you're a victim. You were victimized by the person who's writing the tickets, doing their job because you blew it.

Robb (: 27:14

Right.

Robb (: 27:29

Yeah, I think everyone likes to point fingers right that they'll say Mm-hmm Their own actions and look when you're wrong, you're wrong and I think if you own it or if you say look I was an asshole too, but they didn't want to take the accountability There's something to that this is where You you have to get out of that Familiar suffering stage right where

Tina Marie Garcia (: 27:32

Nobody wants to take responsibility for their own bullshit. Yeah.

Absolutely.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 27:48

Mm-hmm.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 27:58

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 27:59

At some point you got to go, okay, look, yeah, I'll take some of the blame because I did some of it. But if the other person you're with is just in like, total denial, and then going, oh, well, you know, you did this and you did this and you didn't want to work on it. And it's like, wait a second, did you do any of this stuff? Because I think that and I think that it's more and more with people these days.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 28:20

Yeah, I got no time for that.

Robb (: 28:28

Again, maybe not as much in our age bracket. It is, but not as much, because I mean, obviously we were talking about my friend, you know, last time about.

not getting intimate in the bedroom and there's accountability with that as well. And they're in this age bracket. So, you know, it all obviously ends up with communication and what you're doing and all these different things. But even with communication comes accountability and being able to say, you know, maybe I was a bitch last week.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 29:03

Mm-hmm.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 29:09

Yeah.

Robb (: 29:10

and say, look, you know, I'm sorry, and we should work on it, and vice versa too. It's like, I think we as people, mostly from a couple standpoint, I think you have to start stepping back and realizing that we as people need certain things. Your needs need to be met, right?

and you have to be able to tell the person what your needs are, regardless of what that is. If you're having a day and you're like, sweetie, I just want to go sit down and read for an hour.

you should be able to step back and go, all right, that's not a problem, sounds like a good idea. Go relax, I'm gonna go do whatever in the other room and I'll see you in an hour. Instead of going, why do you wanna read? You don't wanna talk to me? And that just gears it up again to where it's just a need and being able to read the person you're with going.

hey, maybe you're not having the greatest day, do you wanna just relax for a little bit and I'm gonna go, whatever, start dinner, do this, stick my hand in the garbage disposal, whatever it is that you need to do to meet the needs of the people you're with, so this familiar suffering goes away.

Right? You can't live in that perpetualness. It'll drive you for one insane. It'll lead you to more shitty relationships because you get so used to being shit on that you think it's the only thing that you're worth.

Robb (: 30:53

And that's a hard cycle to break. And the only way to break that cycle is to go outside of what you're used to and go, maybe this person that's treating me really good is treating me really good because they really want to treat me well. There's no ulterior motive. There's no...

Tina Marie Garcia (: 31:11

Right. Well, good people are good people. You know, they're going to want to reach out to you. They're going to want to spend time with you. If you're a good person and, and they're, you know, they're good people and you find each other, you get along. Good people stick. You know, they, they show up, they're, they're involved. They, you know, they'll, they'll be there because they want to be there. And that's kind of who you want to be.

be with or people that want to be with you, not somebody you have to fight for everything and work on everything and everything's a struggle. Like why would you pick something that's a constant struggle when you could be enjoying your life with somebody that actually wants to be there and wants to have a relationship with you that you also want to have a relationship, but it also means you got to be the best that you could be for that person.

Robb (: 31:50

Yeah.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 32:06

just like you want them to be the best they could be for you. That's a struggle. You gotta work on that shit yourself. A lot of people don't.

Robb (: 32:12

Yeah, and I think that's the thing though, right? When...

And I've heard it with several people the whole it's too good to be true thing because when you've been shit on the whole time you do see people as There's there's no way they're really like this. There's no way that they're going to do this with me And why do you keep on wanting to? To help me. Why do you want to keep on you know doing these nice things where there has to be a reason you're doing it it's like and I feel for that because like I

that. I have issues with other things, like we've talked about it before, like I'm really bad at receiving gifts, like really bad. And the last few I've gotten, I've worked and went, thank you very much, I appreciate it, thank you, and looked at things differently. Because I now know that the person who was giving these gifts meant it out of the, you know, graciousness of their heart. And sometimes you have to look that way as well.

to where if you're the one giving the gift, maybe the person also means the same way. And I know that that's not as easy as if you come from relationships or friendships where you've been shit on in the past. It's hard to get past that.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 33:37

Yeah, I think that the trick is you don't bring your old shit to a new situation. You know, you, if you've got, if you've got trust issues, maybe dating isn't something you should be doing at the moment. Maybe you should work on being trustworthy. Maybe you should work on knowing what that's like to, to be a trusting person. Maybe you need to work on letting go of old bullshit that doesn't serve you anymore. There, you know, there's.

I say quit taking your old shit to the new relationship because it's never going to fix itself and you'll keep picking the same exact Situation because you didn't learn the lessons you needed to learn in the first place you know I

Robb (: 34:18

Yeah, well, because it because you're used to that familiar suffering. So you just think that that's the way to do it. Yeah.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 34:22

Exactly. And that's not the way to do it. That's so not the way to do it. That you know life it... Okay so when I was raised I was raised that there's a heaven and a hell and we're going one way or the other when we die. And then I realized that I don't think that was truly right. I think that heaven and hell is what we make here on earth because we were given free will. Like we could have our life however we want to.

And you know, we may not be billionaires, but I mean, we can make it as happy as we could be, as sad as it could be, as miserable as it can be. We really have our own ticket to how this is going to work out. And I think that we need to start working on ourselves. How, cause this, for me in my next relationship, there's going to have to be somebody that is incredibly honest.

that will just be super honest and there's no reason to lie because you could tell me anything first of all and I don't get mad. So we get past the, oh, well I didn't think you could handle it bullshit because I could handle it. But that's important to me, having somebody that's trustworthy. I also want somebody who isn't about the bullshit, doesn't wanna play the games, doesn't have the mindset that I'm gonna go home and fuck with her today because I had a bad day at work. I will not tolerate that kind of stuff. So if somebody comes home,

Robb (: 35:31

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 35:47

Mm-hmm.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 35:48

and they're in a bad mood, they'll get my complete and undivided attention or they will get me just leaving them alone because that's what they want. But what I won't tolerate is somebody coming home and bashing me for the day that they had because I wasn't a part of it. It's not going to happen. So I set my bar according to what I want to deal with and what I don't want to deal with. And if it doesn't fall in that range, I get the hell out.

Robb (: 35:56

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 36:03

Correct.

Robb (: 36:16

Yeah.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 36:16

And you shouldn't stay in a relationship just because you're used to that level of bullshit. You shouldn't stay somewhere just because you're okay with the misery that you have in your life. What? If, if, if I am right and we pick our heaven and our hell, we are all picking a bunch of hell these days and we need to stop. We need to start having more expectations of the people that we're with. We need to start picking.

better people, but our expectations of ourselves needs to get higher too. And that is so for women and hearing about these bullshit relationships that they linger in and they can't get rid of them like a booger stuck to their finger, like flick that fucking thing, move on and have the life you want. Like, what are we sitting here doing? I'm a 53 years old. Do you think I'm going to go around and put up with bullshit? No, I'm going to put my helmet on. I'm going to drive away. I'm going to say, see you bitch.

Figure it out. I, you know, and, and why is it that women don't do that? Why is it that men don't do it? Quit being stuck on stupid and in situations that don't serve you and don't look at, oh, but it's been 20 years of my life. Who gives a shit? Why would you give them two more? Get out, do what you need to do and be happy or fix yourself because you're the problem. You know, if you're not happy, what are you doing about it? Cause it's not a, it's not a victim thing. It's a you thing.

Robb (: 37:31

Right.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 37:44

You choose how you wake up in the morning.

Robb (: 37:48

Yeah, I agree. And I think that you're right. I hate to use your thing, but you do have to flip the bugger off your finger. It's like, it because it's not you're right, but it's not serving anything. It's just gross and on your finger. The the guy that was on this thing, he had a really good way to talk about something that I thought was kind of interesting. He goes, you know,

Tina Marie Garcia (: 37:56

Hahaha

Tina Marie Garcia (: 38:02

No. Yeah.

Robb (: 38:18

A lot of people love sunsets, right? And they're beautiful, but you have to be in the right frame of mind to enjoy that. He goes, you can't get a drug addict whose high is this major league high and then put them in front of the sunset with you and go, isn't it beautiful? Because he's not ready to see the sunset for what it is.

He's too worried about the high that he was on yesterday. And you have to train your brain to understand that the sunset is just as pretty as the high was. I just don't wanna be high anymore. And I thought that was kind of a really good euphemism for like, you do have to see other things for what they are. The sunset's pretty, but you gotta give up the drugs to see the pretty sunset.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 39:05

It's also you gotta sit in gratitude. When you're looking at the sunset, you're like, my God, this is amazing. I always say, I have a couple of friends that believe in God. So when I talk to them, I talk a little differently than I do to people that, that I don't know where they stand on things. And one thing I like to do is I like to send my friend a really cool picture of a bunch of clouds or something that just looks beautiful. And I, I title it.

God's an artist because there's so much beauty if you just look outside your little bubble of yourself that you're missing every day, every day. You know, I had a friend who was up every morning and drove into the sunrise every morning to work and never appreciated the beauty of that. I'm like, wait, you're up to see the sun, the sunrise and you're facing it?

and there's nothing in your way and you don't notice the sunrise, like what is wrong with you? You should be looking for things to be happy about or things to be grateful for or thankful for. You know, you can't just walk around thinking that your little world is the only world that exists because it's not and you're missing so much.

Robb (: 40:22

No, and you're right to find the beauty in something that you may not always see. Um, I am lucky enough. I drive into the sunrise and into the sunset every single day. And, and, uh, you follow my Instagram. I'm sure you've seen some pictures of sunrises and sunsets on my way home. There, there's some things that.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 40:37

That is pretty lucky though.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 40:43

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 40:49

you have to find the beauty in things that are right in front of your face. And some of us don't allow ourselves to see that, or some of us ignore it outright, like this person you're talking about just never saw the sunrise in front of them, where sometimes you have to make a detour and do your best to see the things that are literally right in front of you.

It's a true statement. I think that what you just said there is perfect that Stop ignoring the things that are actually there, you know

Tina Marie Garcia (: 41:26

Because you truly are, if you look for it in life every day, you're given blessings, so many blessings. And it just takes two minutes to look up and look past your bullshit to see that there is so much more than what you're creating your world to be. You know, you make your own cage that you're living in. You don't have to live in a cage. You just don't.

Robb (: 41:34

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 41:52

I just got a meme sent to me. I think that this is pretty spot on. It says, the purpose of life is to become very weird and very normal at the same time. So, I'm gonna go ahead and start with this one.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 42:06

I like that.

Robb (: 42:09

Yes, I think that that's very true. We, you sometimes have to let yourself be open to be weird and be outside what your box is. And I understand that part because sometimes I can be, as much as I'm big and I can be a big personality, there's sometimes where I find myself.

closing in around people that I don't know, for whatever reason. Sometimes it's good to be weird. And if you can find someone to be weird with, awesome. But the normalcy is what the day-to-day life is. So I think you do need to kind of swerve in and out of these things, so you don't find yourself in that familiar suffering.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 42:41

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 42:56

Mm-hmm. I totally agree. I'm when I'm not With my friends. I'm very much an introvert like I'm kind of quiet and you know Just I stand back and when I first meet people they say I'm a total bitch because I look like I'm judging them And that's so not that's so not what I'm doing when I'm meeting people. I'm just trying to figure out like Where I would fit into that?

You know, like where would my place be? Not, I'm not trying to change anybody. I'm not trying to do anything, but feeling awkward in my own self, just trying to find where I would fit in or if I fit in or where I, you know, where and what I do to fit in. And, and it's funny because everybody goes, God, you're such a bitch or so you're so rude, you didn't say this or, or you seem like you were so impatient. And I'm like, no.

That's not it at all. I was just trying to figure out what the hell was going on because people are a lot for me when I first meet them because I don't know them. I don't know where they're coming from and i'm looking at okay, let's Let's see where it goes with this, you know with these people for me I'm really quiet doing that and all my friends have said god You're such a bitch because you didn't say anything. Well, part of me was feeling a little awkward and didn't know what to say

Robb (: 44:18

All right.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 44:18

But if you told me I needed to be on and I needed to be podcast Tina, you know, I'd be like, I got this, you know, I could, I could stir up a party and get it started if that's what the expectations are. But if I'm meeting people to meet them, I'm not that same person because that's not who I am all the time. That's one little, little bit of who I can be when I'm on.

Robb (: 44:23

Right. It's on. Yeah.

Robb (: 44:36

Yeah, me either.

Robb (: 44:44

Yeah, I tried to read the room, right? I went on a date years ago. I got taken, we went out to an outdoor mall. We ended up going to do something, but I sat down and I knew the person well, but not 100%, but we met people from her work. So like, here I am, like I'm...

Tina Marie Garcia (: 44:45

Yeah. Yep.

Robb (: 45:10

doing my best to not be over the top, but still read the people and talk and blah. Now, that was the dinner that we had. After that, we went and went to a place where they were dancing and drinks. And then I was like, okay, now I'm reading who they are and I know what to do. It's an important part, I think, of all of us, right, is to read the people around us.

regardless if it's friends, romance, family, whoever it is. So you don't end up in that, again, that place where you're, you feel it's okay to be like, okay, the next time the good time comes, this is going to be great, but I'll deal with this part. I think as humans and as people, we have to find a way out of that hole at all costs.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 46:07

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 46:07

and take whatever.

Robb (: 46:15

trip whatever leap of faith whatever thing it is to change your trajectory so you don't end up back there whether it's

Tina Marie Garcia (: 46:24

Oh yeah, you don't need to go from one endless relationship to another without a breather. I think everybody should take time to breathe and to figure out who they are because the person that you were at the start of your last relationship is not who you are now. So you need to figure out who you are so that you know what you need and what you're going for next. You shouldn't have them lined up. I know I know quite a few people that have one after another just lined up and that's how they go through life.

They can't go being alone. They can't, they don't like, they must not like who they are because they can't be alone. So they're constantly having to find something that they're supposed to be fixing and yet nothing gets fixed. They just go down further with the person that they're supposed to be fixing. And I always say, take some darn time, figure out who you are. Figure out what you like. You know, what do you need? What are your basic?

Like, what is your situation? Do you have any idea of where you wanna go next and what you wanna do? And start making a plan for you. Not for, oh, this guy's gonna fix this. Ooh, if I just take this person in, then I'm gonna have this or that or the other. I don't, nothing is guaranteed in this world. So if you're looking at your next, whoever's gonna take care of you, you're sitting in a pile of shit already. Because you should be able to take care of yourself.

Robb (: 47:48

Yeah, I had a bro like that though who was very much always had the next girl lined up because he didn't, it's not that he didn't mind being alone. He wanted to know that he didn't have to be like, cause I would see this guy and there was rarely was there a girl there, but there was always a story and there was an, there was always a phone call that was like,

Tina Marie Garcia (: 48:11

Hahaha! Yes!

Robb (: 48:15

You know and he would pick up the phone and be like hey, what's up and then just disappear Like walk upstairs talk to her not around the boys and then come back It was very bizarre like and I was like bro. What's up? Because I was you know, just wanted to talk I didn't want to be down here. But well, it's like all right, so We're both I think both sexes are guilty of that very um behavior of Either not wanting to be alone or definitely not um

keeping people close enough that you, that if you have to have them, you can. So it was, I mean, thankfully he got out of that relationship and ended up getting married and a bunch of other good stuff, but it was a very bizarre time. And so I can see both sides of it.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 48:59

in.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 49:02

Life is what you make it. And if you're not digging what you're going through right now, please change it. Change it before you're sitting. You know, this is my biggest fear. My biggest fear is me getting cancer or some illness. It's just going to debilitate the shit out of me and I'm going to be stuck in my bed not being able to move and thinking to myself, why didn't I do that? Or why didn't I try that? Or why didn't I, why didn't I give that a shot? I

I do things because that fear is very much a part of me. So it drives me to try new things, to do new things, to be a different person, to step out of my comfort zone. You know, being somebody that likes to be quiet and internally okay, and yet outwardly be everything there is to be in a high school and to do and to be in like, you know, those are very contradictory sort of things. But

Robb (: 49:32

Sure.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 49:56

What I won't have are regrets. I may be sitting there going, well, that wasn't a great idea, but fuck it, I did it. You know, I don't see anybody sitting here that's saying that they did, so it's a good thing. Be willing to take risks and to be on your own and to not settle for bullshit. I'm not saying that if a person's having a bad time that you're just gonna up and leave. That's not what I'm saying. You don't leave good people.

What I'm saying is if you've been miserable and you know you're going down a road you're never going to be happy on, get out. Fix that. Because you're in charge of you. And especially in relationships, if you're in a shitty relationship, leave. My relationship with my ex-husband wasn't really bad. He didn't talk down to me. He wasn't disrespectful. He didn't stop me from doing anything I wanted. All the things that all my friends bitch about, my husband didn't do.

Robb (: 50:54

Mm-hmm.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 50:54

but we were not happy together. And in order to fix that, we needed to separate, and we did. And I'm happy because every time I talk to him, he says, you know what, life is really good. And I think to myself, well, shit, how bad was it with me? But I know how bad it was because I was there. And there were, we got to the place where it just wasn't good anymore. So rather than hate them for, or him hate me, or me hate him and stick together for the rest of our lives,

Robb (: 51:11

Right.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 51:24

We have now got a chance to be happy and we didn't ruin everything. And we have, you know, an opportunity to be good friends because we, we forgot to do that. We did for a long time. And then we gave it up. Like we were able to let go and still keep what we had that we liked about one another. And that's like a great thing. That means I did it right with a good person. Cause we were completely from beginning to end, able to handle that. Was everything perfect? No.

Robb (: 51:28

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 51:42

Mm-hmm.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 51:53

Did what I love to come back and do a hundred things different. Absolutely. But again, the person I was with was a decent human being. Look for decent human beings. They're out there.

Robb (: 51:57

sure.

Robb (: 52:05

I think like you kind of said before, you can live life with two fears or one. A fear of, you know, oh I'm just going to be alone or blah blah. Or the fear of, hey if I try this, at least I tried. You know?

Tina Marie Garcia (: 52:20

You know, that old saying of I'd rather have loved in loss than never have loved at all. There's truth to that. You could have those experiences or you could fear them and not have them. But damn, you're missing out on some good times if you do.

Robb (: 52:26

Yeah, a lot.

Robb (: 52:37

Yeah, yeah, I agree. Alrighty, well, we're gonna wrap it up. Make sure you check us out on social media, so our Facebook, Instagram, X. You can check us out on YouTube itself, YouTube Music, Spotify, Apple, all those podcasting places. Make sure to share this with all your friends. We are all over the globe now, which is very cool. And I think we're only like two states down now, two or three.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 53:04

We gotta get those states.

Robb (: 53:05

I know we have, I think Wyoming's one, Wyoming, Maine, and Maine. I don't, but we hit, we hit, dude, we got Rhode Island. So if we got Rhode Island, we can get Maine, and I mean, we should be able to do it. Alrighty, so check us out next Wednesday, and this Wednesday, and every Wednesday. We're here, don't get it twisted. This is a opinion show, so have fun times. Tina, until next week, I'm Rob, that's Tina.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 53:14

Yeah.

Robb (: 53:33

Yeah, I guess have a good day. Later.

Tina Marie Garcia (: 53:35

See ya!