EP # 166 Why we find excuses not to date instead of finding reasons too.

Robb (: 00:01

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Twisted. I am Rob along with my co-host as always, Tina. Tina, how you doing? I'm doing all right. It's always fun for us because we see each other in a video and I hadn't seen your house that looks like it's been blown up. And now I get to see it behind you and now I understand.

Tina (: 00:06

Kinda making it in there, Rob, how you doing?

Tina (: 00:19

You

Tina (: 00:24

and now you know why I said I can't record today because the pounding, the jackhammer, the whatever the hell it is now you know

Robb (: 00:31

Yeah, didn't understand. I I understood that you're having work done, then, you know, now that I see the turmoil that is going on in your life, I can see it from here. It's kind of interesting.

Tina (: 00:49

You know what is kind of funny because I haven't complained at all about it.

Robb (: 00:53

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 00:53

I mean, it's just, it is what it is. It's gotta get fixed. And I'm kinda proud of myself because everybody else I know said that they had like meltdowns and this and that going on. And I'm just like, okay, okay. Like, what comes next? Okay, I'm trying to find a reason to make a whole meal on one burner. Cause we're using the barbecue, you know? It's kinda fun. It's a lot.

Robb (: 01:08

Yeah.

Robb (: 01:17

All right.

Tina (: 01:23

I don't rest as easy as I used to, but I will. But it's coming along. I can't even complain. Things are going really well.

Robb (: 01:26

Yeah, I'm sure. I'm sure.

Robb (: 01:32

That's good. So we have always had going through our little show list and this one was from a while back and I don't know why we didn't do it, but hey, you know, things always come up. But this one was called the relationship excuse. Why we try and find reasons not to date instead of a reason to. And well, funny how that is.

Tina (: 01:53

Yes.

Robb (: 02:01

can hit close to home sometimes. You know, we either know people or sometimes it's us that are in these little conundrums. But I believe mostly from the standpoint of people that we know or people that we know because of something. You know, we know somebody and I'll say him.

Tina (: 02:12

you

Robb (: 02:31

guy who's married, going through what we thought was a divorce, been jumping back and forth a bazillion times, can't decide whether he wants to be in a relationship with somebody or not, want to get out of one of them. And look, this isn't anything new. I think that most people go through these things. But I think from the standpoint of getting into one, not getting out of one,

Tina (: 02:58

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 02:58

Getting into one is sometimes people try to find the smallest excuse not to get into one. It could be, know, look, we all have red flags. Let's be perfectly honest. There's not a person on this planet that doesn't have some kind of red flag. Some people have multiple and are still, are, you know, worth trying a relationship with.

Tina (: 03:05

yeah.

Robb (: 03:25

But I think these days people because of the, people think that there's just so much choice out there. The, you know, the choice.

Tina (: 03:40

Well, there is so much choice there. You could get on the computer and you could have a list of people in a matter of a minute. You know, there's that. I think...

Robb (: 03:49

But are they, but do you want that? Do you want, like look, my friend down the street, she had gone on the dating sites. I think she said she went on them two or three days. She had 200 messages. And she was like, look, she goes, you can only hear your beautiful so many times. You're just like, okay, if that's all you really give a shit about, then I don't want to be doing this anyway.

Tina (: 04:03

Wow.

Robb (: 04:17

I think that, you know, look, there is something to that, guess, as well. You know, most people don't, like we're visual creatures and I understand the, you're pretty. But if you get 200 of those, you start realizing that, eh, no one gives a shit about the inside anymore. But there is choice. I mean, yes, you're right. I think it is easy to just go, I can...

I can just go home and hop on. I think that's why a lot of people get out of relationships quickly as well now. They're just like, this guy's got the wrong thing and I'm just gonna go online and go, I'm gonna go on fucking Tinder or whatever when I get home so I can get that dopamine hit of getting people to say something about me again. And I get that. But let's say you meet someone.

Let's not even just go to the small source of like, yes, it is easy to find things. But I think that the choice, you know, it's the paradox of choice. You know, the more people that you have, it's actually harder to get in a relationship because you keep thinking, you know, this one or this one or this one.

The reality is the least amount of people you have, the better your choice.

So if you've breaking down three men or three women to just those three, your choice is going to be better than if you had a hundred people. Because you keep going like there's just too much choice. It's a paradox. It's not real. Let's see what it says here. The paradox of choice stipulates that while we might believe that being presented with multiple options actually makes it easier to choose one,

Robb (: 06:15

that we are happy with and thus increases consumer satisfaction or relationship satisfaction, having an abundance of options actually requires more effort to make a decision. So.

Tina (: 06:26

I don't think you get to know people very much if you've got a whole shit ton of people to try to get to know. I mean, it takes time truly to get to know someone. And if you're not trying to get to know someone because you're trying to get to know somebody else, you may miss out on somebody really good.

Robb (: 06:32

Correct.

Robb (: 06:47

Yes, I think that that is something to it. It's like, look, you have to put in some time, obviously. The more time you put in with one person, the better you're going to be able to make a decision if that's somebody that's for you. And I think that there's something to making the decision to further that. You know what I mean?

Tina (: 07:13

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 07:14

But you do have to have your own internal cutoff. you... Yeah, you're... Well, or you're like, you know, you know, at some point, rather quickly, like I've seen, and again, not statistics, but...

Tina (: 07:21

You gotta have your boundaries, you mean?

Robb (: 07:34

I've listened to lot of podcasts and watched a lot of videos. Men, and I don't know about women, and we could probably find this if we looked it up, but I'll ask you from the standpoint of a personal thing. Men generally know way quick if a person's for them. Sometimes the first day,

Sometimes within the first two dates, they're just like, yep, that one's for me. I like her. I'm going to make the decision to try and further this. I don't know about women, because I'm obviously...

Tina (: 08:11

Women do that too, because there's that.

I was just looking at a TikTok video about that. Like girls will look at a guy and they'll go, yep, nope. Like they, as they're walking through a store and they knew instantly if they wanted to sleep with them. But I believe that that's, I believe that there's something to that. And that's because, you know, you're, you're not just attracted to anybody. There has to be a connection, something like where the souls kind of know who they, who they.

need to be with or what they need to be doing. And so I think it's very easy for people to know if they want to give a person a chance or not. It's almost instant.

Robb (: 08:52

Right. It's there is a spark. Now, does a spark mean something long run? I think we can argue that one until we're blue in the face. I think a spark is important. Look, physical attraction is important. Mental.

Tina (: 09:11

But I don't even think it's physical. I think that there's something in us that knows our people. And we are just attracted or we are drawn to them.

Robb (: 09:22

Mm-hmm. Yeah, just like an innate, yeah, sense of just there's something about that person. I mean, I'm very much like that. I won't lie. I can, I can feel if there's something about somebody quickly. And, and I think that it can stick for a long time. So that can also, you know, be something.

Tina (: 09:26

sense, yeah.

Tina (: 09:34

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 09:51

I mean, I've tried dating within the last couple of years and not once have I had that spark.

Tina (: 10:00

And how long did the relationship go on for?

Robb (: 10:03

These were like one and done. Yeah, I just, knew, no, actually they were interesting conversations. They were, you know, they weren't bad. It just, there was no oomph. So, you know, and.

Tina (: 10:05

Yeah, see, you know. There was nothing wrong with them, right?

Tina (: 10:21

Yeah. There has to be an initial connection and attraction that you know that that's where you should be putting some intent.

Robb (: 10:27

Yeah, something.

Robb (: 10:31

Yeah, I met someone many, many, years ago at a photo shoot and we were both married, but there was a mental spark.

Tina (: 10:44

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 10:45

Like she was, and I saw her multiple times. She would bring her daughter to these events. And every time I saw her, it was fun to talk. Like it was just, and look, maybe at least on my side, maybe my marriage wasn't the greatest anyway. So there could be something said to that, you know, she was filling a mental void for me. And then I hadn't talked to her for like, 2000.

Tina (: 11:08

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 11:17

Like 10 years. More than that. Yeah. And then I didn't talk to her again until 2017. Then I went and saw her in person again and there was like a big boom, like a huge mental spark, physical spark, everything. It was just, I got the, the EBGBs put into me when I was just like, and it hasn't changed. I still feel that way every time I see her. There's, there's a,

Tina (: 11:33

Thank

Robb (: 11:46

There's a line in Ted Lasso, if you guys have ever watched that, it's on Apple TV. It's a really good show. It's about soccer, but it's really not about soccer, it's about life. This guy, there's a scene where...

This one girl is very rich. She owns a soccer team dating some guy and they're having a double date with a ex soccer player and his girlfriend. And basically the rich girl and the guy kiss and they walk up and she goes, well, what do you guys think? And the guy's girlfriend goes, well, he's good looking and he's financially stable and blah, blah, And the soccer player goes, fucking hell.

Like, and it gets really, really quiet and he looks over and he goes, well, tell her the truth. And he goes, what? He goes, he's fine. A lot of people are fine. He goes, what, you know, what the fuck do you think he deserves you for? And he goes, you should feel like you've been struck by fucking lightning.

and there's something to that. Not everyone's gonna get that and I don't wanna say that that's it, but I understand that feeling and it's hard to get away from. But then you start looking at people who are in relationships or...

Tina (: 12:53

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 13:13

situationships or have had relationships in the past and things have been intertwining for a long period of time, what do you think stops people from jumping into those relationships?

where obviously there's some kind of connection. There's...

Tina (: 13:33

I think that there's an underlying fear. think people, once they've been hurt in a relationship, they say they want to be in another relationship, but I think they're so damaged or they're so hurt that they can't trust to try.

I think in today's society, everybody's waiting for the perfect person. There is no perfection when it comes to people. We're all made up of flaws and mistakes and good, but all of it's mixed up. The trick is you gotta find somebody that wants to treat you like you're actually something to them.

You know, I think we forget that we're supposed to be kind to somebody that we love. We're not supposed to make them feel stupid. We're not supposed to drag them down. We're not supposed to make them feel inferior. We're supposed to build them up. We're supposed to put the good back into them. And I think that people are afraid to do that because they fear rejection themselves. And it makes it really hard to

to try to love a damaged person that has so many barriers that you didn't put there. So it's not an easy thing. And I think that forces people to not be open.

Robb (: 14:52

Mm-mm.

Robb (: 14:58

Open. Yeah, I kind of agree. was discussing that with somebody and. And look, here's the thing, if you're going to get in to a relationship with somebody who's damaged and. We are. Everyone's damaged, someone's everyone has something. Some people are more damaged than others. I I won't argue that. But I said something to them and I said, look. I I can't fix you.

Tina (: 15:12

Everybody's damaged.

Tina (: 15:18

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 15:28

but I can be there and hold your hand while you're fixing yourself. And I think that's the bigger thing. Look, if you think that you have to be 100 % healed, you're never going to be 100 % healed, ever, none of us. Yeah. Mm-hmm. I think at some point, yeah, at some point you have to go, okay.

Tina (: 15:41

Yeah, it's like saying you're gonna be 100 % ready to have a kid. When is anybody ever 100 % ready? You find a way to do it though.

Robb (: 15:54

I'm going to do this because the person that is talking to me realizes all my flaws, all my shit, I'm damaged, I'm fucked up, but he's still gonna be there or she's still gonna be there for me because they have this...

feeling towards me that is big. And I understand that there's gonna be ups and downs and there's gonna be a roller coaster ride and you're gonna have this and that happen. But you have to have someone there to be okay with you healing while still trying to build a relationship. And...

Tina (: 16:34

And I think that's part of being in a relationship. Being in a relationship with somebody, they're supposed to love you through that. They're supposed to encourage your healing. They're supposed to encourage you picking yourself up and moving forward. It's not about being perfect from the get. It's about who makes you feel like you're worth it. And I think that people don't give each other enough time to even notice that if they can.

You know, you get with somebody, you're already sleeping with them, you're in a situation, and next thing you know, you're like, whoa, this person isn't who I thought it was. Did you give it any time? Did you give it any sort of, or did you just go by looks? Or did you, you know, what's the real thing? I think that people, when they're dating, they're not looking for the right thing. They're looking for the best thing.

Robb (: 17:02

Right.

Robb (: 17:30

Correct. I don't know what the name of the podcast is, because I just saw it on TikTok as well. It's these two girls. They're Christians. So literally both of them said, like, you shouldn't sleep with somebody until you marry him. And look, I would argue that fact with you for years and years and years. I think there's something to it.

Tina (: 17:45

Mm-hmm

Robb (: 17:55

you're not building a relationship on sex. You shouldn't sleep with somebody too early. I think that that can be a massive mistake. I was in the walking the store with my friend down the street one time when we were talking about it and she's like, look, because she asked me one time before, like, would you wait, you know, to get married? And then, you know, would you not have sex until you got married?

And I was like, sure, but there still has to be intimacy before that. You still have to hold hands and hold each other and kiss and like do all the other things. But could I? Of course, because I think if it meant something to her, I would totally do it because I think there's something to that. And now that I've I'm building a relationship with God, it's different anyway. So I see things totally different.

But my friend down the street did say something funny. She's like, yes, I'd love to do that, but I do want to test the, you know, I want to test the car out before I decide. And I was like, yes, I understand that kind of thing. I, like, we're older anyway. I don't want to build a relationship on sex. I want to build a relationship with sex. There's a difference. Like I want to be able to.

come home and like I've said on multiple podcasts before there is something about having a fun relationship and I want to dance in the rain with somebody that I have never done before. You know and I was telling her look the fairy tale isn't real but you can both make it if you want to. Like the fairy tale is only as real as you make it. You know I've seen couples that make me want to vomit.

Tina (: 19:33

You can.

Robb (: 19:41

They're just so in love and I and it's you just go whoa like but then I asked them I asked well I asked him because I know him and his wife is very great to me and I love her to death and and it's my a very very good friend of mine but he even said he's like look we fight all the time but we make sure that we

don't do certain things. Like if we go to bed mad, I still tell our lover before we go to bed. Like you can be mad. You have to be able to do this. And I thought it was interesting because they don't, they didn't ever find an excuse not to be together. They never, and like, like I've, I've talked about them on here before.

One lived in Michigan, one lived in Palmdale, they met in San Diego, they flew back and forth to see each other. They never ever made an excuse not to be in a relationship. As a matter of fact, they made excuses to be in a relationship.

Tina (: 20:46

You know, I heard.

Yeah, I heard that you should never talk about divorce with your mate. You should never that's not an option. That's not what you put time and space and and dedication to you you put it into making the relationship better you put it into having more than than you do at the moment if that's what you're going for but you never you never look at the goodbye. That's that's and that's the impossibility that you just don't

Robb (: 20:59

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 21:20

You just don't even welcome. You don't look at it. You don't encourage it. You stay away from it. And I agree with that. I was I've been talking to a few people lately about relationships and and and you know, my friend was like, I really like this guy, but he doesn't financially have his shit together.

Robb (: 21:25

Yeah.

Tina (: 21:43

I guess, you know, he was in a bad divorce and lost his ass and, you know, had to take care of everything and everybody and lost his ass some more. she's like, you know, she says, he's got the ability to have everything we could want in life, but he doesn't have it right now. And I'm in a good place. And because he doesn't have it together, he feels like he doesn't have anything to offer me.

Robb (: 21:47

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 22:10

And I said, I get that though. know, guys look at, guys look at, they, they measure how good they are by what they've accomplished in their, in their work environment where women are judged by what their families are about or like. And, and so they're trying to leave their legacy out there. And if, you know, if they don't feel like they have it together, that's always going to take priority over anything else because

because that's how they judge themselves. And I said to her, said, be the different chick. Like, don't be the chick that wants somebody that's already put together and perfect. Go for the one.

that sees potential in the guy and wants to love and have a good time while you're building something together. And I do agree with that totally wholeheartedly. I don't anybody should have to come to the table with every way that they could win in life, because that's not how life works.

Robb (: 23:16

I totally agree. I look, I wanted to be in a relationship with somebody years ago. I was living with somebody, I was a roommate, did I have my shit together? I was doing okay. This person said, hey, know, a lot of women aren't gonna want this, this, and this. And I agreed, you can't deny certain things. I got my shit together. I...

Tina (: 23:40

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 23:42

got a better job, moved out here, got my own apartment, everything. But the flip side of that is for me, I don't care what she brings to the table. I just want, I want somebody who, look, she's, and this girl's got her shit together. She's got a good job, she's been there 25 years, she's top notch. She's also gone through some shit in financial and whatever, lots of things.

Tina (: 23:53

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 24:11

And and look, I think a lot of men like to white knight. I'd love to get on the horse and run in there and savor, but that's not reality either. Well.

Tina (: 24:18

Where are those guys? Because I would love to find one.

Robb (: 24:22

They're out there. look, I like to white knight for her and I do and I've helped her, you know, with whatever I can. If I can help her clean up her garage, I'm going to just I I love her to death. But it's not just look, all I can give her is things like that. Right. I can give her my time because that's what I have a lot of. But the flip side of that is that like those things don't look, I.

I'd love to, I love being financially stable. It's awesome. And I think everyone should be. But the reality is, is in relationships now, if you're older, you have to look at the reality of time. How much time do we have left on this planet? And I mean, not to sound horribly morbid, but remember my friend who lived next door to me in the apartments in Granada Hills? His mom just died, right? So the reality is,

We're 50 something years old. What do we have? 30 years left if we're lucky. So.

Tina (: 25:19

if we're lucky. What do they say the average age is like 74?

Robb (: 25:23

70, I think it's 77 for men now and for women it's like 79 because you kill us. So, so, so here's the thing. I want to make memories. Do I, do I want things? Sure. Do I want to be financially stable so I don't have to work until I'm 80 and die? Sure. But I want to make memories and I think those are the important things as well. Like,

Tina (: 25:31

That's so wrong. It cracks me up.

Robb (: 25:52

Find a mate that's going to fit you for what you want. And if you're there, instead of looking for the excuse not to be in the relationship, look for the excuse to be in it. There.

Tina (: 26:03

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 26:05

there's always going to be a counterbalance, right? You're going to be able to put, you know, if you look at everything like you're weighing it, you're going to put some things on the left and some things on the right. And hopefully the good are always going to be heavier than the bad. But you also have to look at the reality of the person.

Like you said, we're broken or we have issues and we have scars and flaws and family that you're going to bring into this mostly as an older person. If you're young and listening to this, you're probably in a different place because maybe you're not looking to get married like I would like to. That's, you know, assuming I find the person that I either think she is or

or someone to that nature, right? I would like, my next relationship, I want it to be forever. Like that's, or whatever time I have left on this planet. And the girl that I was talking to about this said the same, like, we're dating with intention. And I think if you're in your 30s and older, you should be dating with intention, to me. And that's just, maybe I'm just an old school guy and...

Tina (: 27:18

if that's what you want.

Robb (: 27:19

That's what I mean, though, but that I mean, I think most people You're not gonna One of the other is going to want the intention if you if you're lucky enough to get with somebody and you're like Nope, don't ever want to do this and let's run this, you know, and we'll just be you know Kurt Russell and Goldie Hawn forever and never get married awesome good for you. And I think that but even that is a

Tina (: 27:43

I'm okay with that.

Robb (: 27:44

But that's a long relationship anyway. You're still looking for a long relationship, whether you want to get married or not. look, would I do that if this person said, I don't want to get married? Sure. But that's not what I would like to do. I would, know, to me, there is still something sacred about sharing your name and

Tina (: 27:50

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 28:06

Commitment that that's that's a real commitment and this time I told her like not even jokingly like there is no out of this There is no divorce. It's you go you want to start therapy from the beginning. Let's do it. I would like here's the thing I've known her for a long time a long long time, but Seven the last seven years minus three of her dating somebody but time is time

Like I would jump into a relationship tomorrow with her We talked about it one time and she was like, you know We either go really slow or we jump in we need to decide and then at first I was like we should go slow because we've never really dated but we've Things have happened and whatever along the way Now I would just go fuck it just be my girlfriend Let's try this out for three or four months and see what happens and if it doesn't work, let's get out of it because like

Not that the clock is ticking because I don't think like, we're, you know, we're only, she's not even 50. But like, here's the thing, like, I know who she is. I know she's got fucking issues and she's got mentally fucked up things and her family's crazy. Cool, I'm in. I've been in for a long time. Like, I don't find the excuse not to be in the relationship.

Because why? If I do that, I'm going to nitpick this down to the fucking smallest thing. Like, I don't like that on Tuesdays at three o'clock, you pick, you know, you flick your nails on the table. Like that is crazy shit. We don't. I'm just not that. I'm not that crazy when it comes to that. I.

I see people for who they are and I go, look, I've liked her for years and I probably would have jumped in a relationship literally six years ago with her. If she would have said yes, would have moved in a second, bend down the street, I'd have done it. But I'm also a little goo goo and she says I'm intense, which is totally true. But the flip side of that is would you rather have somebody

Robb (: 30:20

Like I wrote something down the other day because I thought, you know, I always put notes down just in case we're talking about stuff. And this is what I wrote down. I said, I'd rather be too much than never enough.

Tina (: 30:33

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 30:35

My problem, and I've talked about it on the podcast, is that I'm very intense until I get into a relationship and I get too comfortable and then I get complacent and I forget what got me there. Now, but here's the thing, I haven't been in a real relationship in 15 years, so I know it now. So I think that I would think these things out. I think I would notice me getting complacent and realize why I love the person.

Tina (: 30:47

you

Robb (: 31:04

Like very soon, not like, and I think that I would read them a little bit better, but I'm not a mind reader. And I think that's the biggest problem in these relationships. I'm sure that in your relationships of the past or present, mind reading is fucking not real. Stop.

Tina (: 31:10

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 31:30

stop holding shit in and just say it because if not you're no one wins in that and I think that's part of the

Tina (: 31:37

Mm-mm.

Robb (: 31:39

the finding a reason not to jump into relationship, because they're like, they're not talking, they don't say they like me, or they say they like me and it changes the next day. it's like, look, we gotta stop this shit. Stop looking for a reason not to be in a relationship. If you like the person and the other person likes you and you know it, go. I've had someone tell me the same thing about like, I don't wanna lose you as a friend.

Tina (: 32:08

Yeah.

Robb (: 32:08

And to me, I totally understand that. But, you know, at the end, it's this. You are either going to lose a friend because my thing is if my this girl starts dating somebody again, I'll probably just get out of her life because I had to do it the last time. It's just healthy. I think I don't need to be in. I don't.

Tina (: 32:33

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 32:36

We're friends and I love her to death and I don't want to ruin anything for her if she starts something. I also don't think it's fair to a guy or a girl if you're in that kind of... If you're only friends, awesome. Then maybe you can be in that. I am friends with her, but I have feelings. So those are issues. But my thing is this, you're either going to lose a friend and that sucks.

Or you're going to lose two people. You're going to lose your friend and you're going to lose the person that you think that you want to be your wife or your husband. So some people think you're actually losing two people, which is, I think, way hurts way more. So why not just try? Yes, it's going to suck if it doesn't work and your friendship fails. But I think if you're really, really strong enough friends, you'll work your way back to that friendship anyway, because you realize it.

Tina (: 33:32

And you got to think too, if there's somebody else in your life and you're, you know, if you, if you push somebody to wait, somebody away and there's somebody else in their life that wants that attention or wants that time, they can't give it to you the way they've been given it to you. So you're losing regardless. Like, you know, I, I, I wouldn't put the same amount of time into just any of my friends, but

if it's somebody that I wanted to be with, I do put in extra time. I do try extra hard or not even hard, it's not hard for me to make people feel good or to make them feel like they're valued. But I put more effort into it. And if you're not somebody that I want to take to that level, I'm not going to put that effort into it.

Robb (: 34:16

Sure.

Robb (: 34:21

Correct. Well, and if you try in the beginning to put that effort into it and it's not reciprocated, you're going to... Yeah, or you're going to step back and...

Tina (: 34:28

you're gonna end up losing that situation.

Robb (: 34:35

You're making the decision then though to, you're not going, I'm finding a reason not to get into it. You found the reason not to be in it. There's a difference. And I think that that's okay. It's where you're, and I hate to say nitpicking, because I don't think that's what it is, but you're.

Tina (: 34:47

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 34:59

you're putting the weights on each side of the scale to the point where you're like, there's so much good here and there's so much bad and this can be bad and this can be good. Instead of just going, all this good shit is great and I understand that there's bad or there's, and I use those terms loosely, like good and bad, that there's things that could cause an issue later, but is it really important to you? Like is it...

Is it a relationship killer? Like I'm the position that I'm in with somebody I don't see anything that would be considered bad or broken or You know fucked up to be a relationship killer It's things that you if I understand who the person is we we and I use that big we can work around those you know, it's a

My biggest thing too is if you're liking someone and you're both, you know, on the the cusp of like, we don't know. I will tell you right now when I talk to this person, I say we even now, like this is a we thing, not a me or you thing. It's because I see it as that going forward. Now.

Tina (: 36:17

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 36:23

Some people will always say me and you, even if you're in a relationship. I've heard, you know, she was telling me about something where her last boyfriend would always go, well, this is your house. And she'd go, it's our house. Yeah, but you own it. Yes, I understand that. But you understand that we're together right now and we should be building to something bigger. you know, and I think that that's the biggest thing too. Everything, if you're really into somebody and you're looking for the ins and outs of, okay,

Tina (: 36:44

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 36:54

Am I gonna make an excuse to not be in this or am I gonna make an excuse to get in it? You should already be talking the excuse to get in it is I see everything as we We're gonna get here. We are going to do this. We can do this as a team whatever that is I Just think that most people don't think that way anymore no, no one thinks long term and

Tina (: 37:16

Mm-mm.

Robb (: 37:21

And it's sad, I think, that you could do the smallest thing. You could have all these good things, all these good traits. She has all these amazing things. And then I could go, I don't like this, so I'm not going to do it. It's like, correct. Well, that's what I'm, that's what we're trying to say, right?

Tina (: 37:38

Well, you could always find a reason not to. But if they're still if they still act, you know, like they're working on things and they're trying not act, but they're actively doing it. If if you could find someone that tries to be a better person that wants to work with you, that.

Robb (: 37:51

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 38:00

encourages you no matter what stage of life you're in, like you should snatch that type of person up because that's somebody you could work with.

Robb (: 38:09

Yeah, I don't want to mold this person. I want her exactly the way she is. I just understand that she has flaws and we're going to have to work through them to continue to build on all the good things that happen when we're together. You know, if you can build, I am a big person to say, look, building on a friendship into a relationship is great.

Tina (: 38:13

Mm-mm. Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 38:39

As long as there is the relationship aspect to it, you you can't just be friends. I want I want a mate that is my best friend But is my wife You know because they're they're two different things At least to me. They're two totally different things

Tina (: 38:42

Mm-hmm.

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 39:01

You know, my best friend is when I can come home and I can joke with them and we can we can, you know, do fun things. My wife is the person who's going to make sure that I'm OK every night or, you know, when I when I need a shoulder to lean on, you know, she's going to be there and vice versa. You know, the person that I want to be with needs to know that when she needs me, I'm there 100 % of the time, you know, and.

Tina (: 39:13

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 39:30

Sometimes it's not going to be 50-50, it's going to be 90-10, and I'm going to be 90 % of it. And you have to understand that that's going to happen. And I think now people run from that. They're like, I can't do that. Like, I need this. It's like, that's not the realistic part of relationship. We've both been married. If you think that everything is going to be 50-50, you're out of your fucking mind. It's just not realistic.

Tina (: 39:42

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 39:58

Well, I think if you're thinking that way, you would be one of the people that maybe shouldn't get into a relationship because somebody's always going to come up short. Because it's never 50-50.

Robb (: 40:08

Yeah.

No, well, and everyone's going to be the 80-20 at some point. Someone's going to have a bad day at work. Someone's going to have, know, whatever it is, you need to be able to come home and pick up the slack, whatever that slack is. And it could be emotional slack. It could be housework slack. It could be whatever. I've heard a lot of podcasts where, you know, today, look, I love a traditional woman. I love...

Tina (: 40:16

That's true.

Tina (: 40:21

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 40:40

I love a traditional woman, however you want to say that is. But I've been single so long that it would be hard for me to give up certain things. Like I was talking to my friend down the street about laundry. I've done laundry, I've done my own laundry for 15, 16 years. When I was married, my wife did it. Before that, I did it. So for me, it would be like...

Tina (: 41:05

But wasn't it nice when somebody did it for you?

Robb (: 41:09

It was. Don't get me wrong. like, I'm not going to, I can't argue that fact. Yes. But it would be hard for me because now I think that if I did my own laundry in a relationship, maybe she'd like that. Like I'm picking up the slack and maybe she wouldn't. I don't know. I'm just saying that like in my own head, I'm like, that's just me giving back to the household. But I also think that I like

I'm traditional when it comes to like gendered stuff. Like I would never send my wife out front to mow the lawn. That's just to me, that's that's man work. that maybe it's not. But, you know, I we grew up in a different era. Like she has a pool. I would I would be the guy to clean the pool. I wouldn't have my wife out there, you know, fucking vacuuming the pool. That's just.

You know, and not and here's the flip side of that. I like to cook, right? But I know for 110 percent about 150 percent because I've been there and she's cooked for me. Wouldn't let me cut an onion. And I don't think that that's just who she is. Right. And and look, I understand people in their kitchens. They they want control. It's their thing.

It was hard for me to sit and watch her cook for me, for one, because I haven't had it in so long. And for me, I was just like, can I help? Can I do this? Is there something I can do? So we all have these little idiosyncrasies that that are hard to get past. But if you are talking and not looking for the reason to not be in the relationship, because I know people that would be like

crazy like that. she doesn't, she's not doing this or wouldn't do this. I also, here's the flip side of this. I would also never think that I'm going to get in a relationship with a woman, even though I like traditional women, that she's going to cook for me or do the laundry or clean the house. Like, I think that there's something to sharing responsibilities in the house. So, you know, my biggest thing with this is how do we tell people to

Tina (: 43:24

There is.

Robb (: 43:31

find the reason and because there's

Tina (: 43:34

So are we saying that they should date?

Robb (: 43:38

I think people should date. Look, there is, but I just think that, you know, don't jump on these minor things that you think. Like I heard somebody on a podcast one time, and I don't know how real it was, but it was from a girl who's like a relationship expert and people pay her to help. She said that some girl said, this guy was great. He was so nice.

He did everything great on a date, but he wore a brown belt. So I can't date him. And I, yeah, I about lost my shit. And here I am listening to this thing in my car. I was driving home from work, screaming at the top of my fucking lungs in my car. What the fuck is wrong with people? A brown belt. Are you fucking kidding me? Here's, here, I'm really, I'm a bad example because like,

Tina (: 44:16

That's a little crazy.

Robb (: 44:38

I'm okay with a lot of I don't dress well and I know it. I'm I'm a I'm a shorts and a t-shirt. Now I'm I have bought some jeans. I'm a jeans and a t-shirt person. I asked my friend down the street, I said, look, you know, I'm going to, you know, I would need help to to look better. And it would be something that I would want her to help me with. And she was like, no, you're fine. I no, no, you don't understand. She dresses nice and she always looks cute.

Tina (: 44:41

You

Robb (: 45:08

and I would I was like I would never want to not match that on some level. If she had sweats and a t-shirt on I'd be fine in shorts a t-shirt and you know and and look it doesn't always have to be that way but I think there's something to that like I want to I want to make sure that she feels she's with somebody on the same level.

Tina (: 45:20

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 45:35

And maybe it's because I've seen people she's dated in the past and again not to shit on people because I'm not trying to but There was someone in her past that would wear like sleeveless t-shirts all the time That just I didn't understand and I wouldn't do that in public. Anyway, I barely wear him around my own house But I told her one time I go I would have no problem with that Like you can dress me because I don't care. It's just clothes But I would want to make sure that I'm in a certain level like a haircut

If someone was to be like, I think, you know, I'd like for you to have hair this way. go, okay, because it doesn't, it's not that big of a deal to me. But I know some people, it is a big deal. But on the flip side, also wouldn't like, in the past, I've tried.

Dressing up people the way I like like girls women in the past and that doesn't work. You can't do that either because I Just think that look I think it's okay if you go to somebody and say hey, I like this on a girl or I like this on a girl and and Tell them that you like it, but I think it's a dangerous game saying like hey I bought you this because then you're pushing it on somebody I would

Tina (: 46:28

Why is that?

Robb (: 46:49

And it's hurt me in the past. And again, I was much younger. But, you know, just because you like certain things doesn't mean that the person you're with is going to. I think it's always healthy to tell them if someone came to me and said, hey, I really kind of like you in a button down shirt. I would go, awesome, let's go buy some. Because it's easy to me. I'm like, cool, I like button down shirts. I just didn't, you know, I don't know what color looks good on me.

And that's the God's honest truth. I tried to buy a shirt the other day and I couldn't I mean, thankfully, I mean, I'm getting a lot smaller. I'm down 40 pounds now. So like I went they didn't have here's the problem with getting smaller. They don't have extra larges anymore. Like I'm in an extra large and I can't find anything. It's like because that's the normal for a man. So like there is none.

Tina (: 47:34

Hmm.

Tina (: 47:39

That's what everybody up to an extra large wears.

Robb (: 47:42

Yeah, so like now I can't find stuff for me, but I think there's something to that that that look you have to be open to so many things that You can't look for reasons not to be in a relationship If you have a screaming reason then look that we all should have that there should be a red Yeah moral issues, you know, look even I can understand religion and

Tina (: 48:02

like an immoral issue, like big things.

Robb (: 48:12

And I'll tell you because someone that we know when I dated at 18 was from a religious family. And at that time I wasn't at all. And I think if that relationship would have grew, I might've had an issue. A girl I dated in my 20s, same thing. Parents came from the church. We butted heads on certain things, but we got along pretty much other than that. So.

But I understand religious conviction now, because I think that does mean something to make sure that you're with somebody. you believe in God, it's important to have some belief system in that. And I'm just learning that. And it's through my friend that she's opened me up to listen. And I've seen the world in a different way. But yes, morals, how you see the world, how you want to raise kids, those are

Tina (: 49:09

how they treat you, they treat people. You know what I always watch? The way that people will treat a waiter or waitress or somebody that's walking slower than them as they're going into a restaurant if they hold the door, if they don't, like if they say please and thank you. I look at stuff like that a lot. Like I would spend more time looking at a person who doesn't know how to act.

Robb (: 49:12

Mm-hmm. That's a good one, too.

Tina (: 49:34

with with people that they don't way more than i would look at somebody

Tina (: 49:42

I don't know, what would I come up with for, you know, if they...

Robb (: 49:50

If you tell me.

Tina (: 49:50

If they act good to other people, they'll noticeably act better to you because they know how to act. They've got a handle on what is socially acceptable. Just start off with that, you know? And then go from there, or how they are with kids and animals.

Robb (: 50:06

Yeah, social standards. Yeah, you are right.

Tina (: 50:14

You know, I watch that. Everybody tells me, everybody that I've ever dated, ever, ever, ever, has said, I don't really like cats. And I've always had a cat. And then when the cat comes around them, I pay attention to how they treat the cat. They could treat it in differently. That won't bother me. They could, they could, you know, be nice to it and just scratch it and send it on away. That doesn't bother me. What bothers me

is when they're mean. You know that? That for me, that's a big red flag. Or if an older person that's having a hard time walking needs the door open and they don't open the door, or they don't open the door for women, I pay attention to that. Or if they make their, like the manners that we were set with, like men should walk on the outside of the street. If I see it any other way,

that's what i judge i don't know why that is i guess that's just the way i was raised like there were certain values you needed to have and if you had those then you could work with anything

Robb (: 51:19

Agree. think like your value system, I think is your values and your morals are way a reason to start a relationship, not get out of it or or never even start the relationship from the beginning. I mean, and again, like there's there's something to know. You got to at least learn to know who somebody is. I'm not saying just jump into

you know, anything right away. I mean, you do have to date and you have to realize that how you date, right? These are the things that, but if you're feeling a relationship, I think the biggest thing from this episode is instead of looking for the reasons to not get into it, start looking for the reasons to. Because again, there's always going to be a scale and you're going to weigh both sides of those.

Tina (: 52:10

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 52:19

with the exception of like crazy, crazy shit, you know, and those are your should be your red flag that you know, I mean, is this going to be something that's going to tear your relationship apart long run? Or is it going to be something that is just the reality of who the person is? And you love them either way, even though you know, there's going to be days where you're going to struggle with how they are mentally.

or how they are this way or, you know, how they see themselves and how you see them are different. You know, it's hard for someone who, you know, we all have insecurities. I'm going to send you a video. have to find it. I would have played it on here. I'm going to send it to you because I want you to see it. It's this guy talking about why men ruin relationships.

Tina (: 53:04

Absolutely.

Robb (: 53:13

And my friend down the street sent it to me and she was like, what do you think of this? And it was basically like saying that men have insecurities and we sabotage our own relationships. And as soon as she sent it to me, I go, yep, true.

because men will start doubting themselves and you know, you get this beautiful girl that wants to be your girlfriend and you start questioning why she wants to be with you because your self-confidence is shit or you're with somebody who her self-confidence isn't great and you find her beautiful. You can always work within that. The thing is how you deal with it with each other.

To me, that's not a red flag. It's just me going, okay, I'm going to have to love her differently. I'm going to have to be different. Everything doesn't have to be about her beauty and it's not. The person that I'm talking about, would rather look, to me, she's gorgeous. But the inner her is way more pretty.

And that's the reality. I'd rather be with somebody who does make me feel like I'm struck by lightning. Look, I see this girl in every way you can. I've seen her dolled up to the 10th degree. Just wow. But I also see her with her hair in a bun with no makeup on at all at the gym.

So, and I think she's just as beautiful. So it's not, it's because I like the inside, not the out. I'm not looking for a reason not to be with her. I'm looking for every reason to be with her. I think society, if you start looking at the reality and stop looking at your paradox of choice, look at what's in front of you.

Robb (: 55:09

whoever it is, it could be the person you've been on three dates with. And if you are like, hey, I'm digging this person and like, I really wanna see what this is, it's okay to go to them and say, I'm having a good time, like where are you at? and it doesn't have to be like, let's be boyfriend and girlfriend, like, but let's not see other people. Like there's nothing wrong with, think saying that to somebody. There's nothing wrong with giving something a chance

within reason, right?

If you're young, yes, dude. Could you go out and date on whatever website you want to every night? Awesome. But if you finally get somebody after three or four dates and you're like, I like this guy or I like this girl, like, I think it's okay to go to her and go, Hey, look, I'm kind of digging this. Like, do we, do we have to be boyfriend and girlfriend? Do we need a title? No. But you know, maybe you stop dating people. Maybe I stopped dating people and we see what, what we can make this into.

To me, that's at least putting a foot forward in saying, I want to see what this is. And if you don't get out of it now, you know what I mean? Because it's not a line in the sand, but it's definitely like, hey, I'm feeling this. And to me, I think that the world would be a better place if more people did that. You're going to get your feelings hurt, without a doubt.

or you're gonna end up with somebody who's just fucking great and you guys are gonna work on something and maybe it is gonna turn into something great. Just look for a reason to do it. I think that society today is really looking for the reasons not to.

Tina (: 56:57

I think if you're gonna, if you want to date.

Don't judge people on what has been done to you previously. If you pick somebody where shit went down, you pick somebody that wasn't right for you. But you don't need to bring that to the next relationship and the next relationship and look for reasons to not. If you're looking for reason to like somebody, look for those reasons and build on those. But if you're looking, you know, because you think you're going to be wronged, stay single.

Robb (: 57:29

Yeah, no, I agree. think that, look, if you're older, if you start dragging shit that you've done in the past into new relationships, they'll never, ever, ever work. Everything should be a clean slate. Because you're going to try to pardon the way of saying this.

Tina (: 57:42

Mm-mm. It's true. Yep.

Robb (: 57:56

If it's a clean slate, you can draw things on it. Right? The person I like, we have a past and other people know of this past. So one of the things she said to me a long time ago was, know, they're going to see you a certain way. And I went, okay. Like, yes, that's part of life. Now.

Tina (: 57:59

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 58:24

I think that the people that you, that I may meet within the context of this have to understand that I've grown as a person, we're different. And the reality is, is that if they want to break down our past, great, I could bring in my past and it would be, I'd get judged even more. So like, the reality is, is...

Tina (: 58:48

You don't get in a relationship to look right for other people.

Robb (: 58:53

Now you get in it to look right for the person that you're with and hope everyone else around them does.

Tina (: 58:57

You get into it so that your life will look right and that you have somebody that wants to love you and be with you and work with you and build with you. That's it. Within everything. Somebody that brings out the best in you. Or that wants the best for you.

Robb (: 59:08

within everything. Yeah.

Robb (: 59:14

I was I was sent. I was sent something by my friend. I'm going to hang out on. put it on TikTok. So sorry, people, that I that I made some noise. But this is and I think this is with everyone. And I'll throw this out there for for everyone. But it says you really don't know a man until and I'll say you really don't know a person until you travel with them, share money.

You see them when they're angry. You live with them. You see them drunk. You tell them no. You see how they deal with loss or grief. They don't get to sleep with you whenever. They're broke with no money and limited funds. And you see how they treat family, friends, and complete strangers. I think those 10 things

Tina (: 01:00:09

Mm.

Robb (: 01:00:12

will push you to the reality of finding a reason or not finding a reason. And those are solid things of life. Like, yeah, you're right. When the chips are down and you don't have money, you really see who's willing to step up the game and make sure shit gets done or you push pieces around everywhere.

Tina (: 01:00:20

sure.

Robb (: 01:00:41

And you're right, the last one was what you said, how they treat people. Because that's gonna show them how they're going to treat you. If that person's an asshole to everybody, they're gonna be an asshole to you.

Tina (: 01:00:45

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 01:00:49

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 01:00:54

There you have it.

Robb (: 01:00:57

Alrighty, well, we've hit an hour, which we haven't done in quite a while.

Tina (: 01:01:01

We gotta get off of this thing.

Robb (: 01:01:03

I know, because people need to like get their shit together and work or do laundry or go watch their kids, know, responsible stuff that'll make you want to date someone. you know, all in all, my last word is just this. Stop looking for reasons not to. You're probably missing out on something that is that could be.

Tina (: 01:01:11

and live normal stuff. Yeah.

Yeah, for sure.

Robb (: 01:01:31

very, very good for you just because you're afraid of one or two small things in life that really are inconsequential in the long run. What about you? Last word.

Tina (: 01:01:41

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 01:01:45

It's not for the weak.

Robb (: 01:01:48

It's not, you're right, it's not for the weak. You have to be able to nut up, unfortunately. But again, I think the long-term happiness or good that can come from it is way less than the bad. So, all right, check us out on social media, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter.

Tina (: 01:01:59

Here you have it.

Tina (: 01:02:10

I agree.

Robb (: 01:02:17

whatever the fuck they are. X. Also check us out on Apple, Spotify, anywhere you can listen to one of these things. Please share this episode because we've been doing all right. For some reason, someone in LA over the last day or two downloaded 161 episodes. So whoever you are, thank you. Yeah. And it's an opinion show. No, this is LA. Yeah.

Tina (: 01:02:18

X.

Tina (: 01:02:36

What the heck? What city in LA does it say? Okay.

Robb (: 01:02:44

So it's an opinion show. Don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday, because we're going to try to be right on schedule again. For my co-host, Tina, I am Rob. We'll see you in a week. Bye-bye.

Tina (: 01:02:54

See ya.