Episode 153
EP #153 Navigating Conflict in Relationships.
Welcome back to Dont get this Twisted
The hosts discuss the topic of conflict avoidance and its impact on relationships. They share personal experiences and insights on how avoiding conflict can lead to resentment and unresolved issues. They emphasize the importance of open communication and addressing problems early on to prevent them from escalating. The conversation also touches on the role of avoidance in childhood and the influence it can have on adult relationships. Overall, the hosts highlight the need for honest and respectful conversations to maintain healthy relationships. The conversation explores the topic of conflict and how to navigate it in relationships. The speakers discuss the importance of managing conflict and not avoiding it, as well as the need for effective communication and understanding. They emphasize the significance of being kind and respectful in resolving conflicts and the role of ego in creating conflict. The conversation also touches on the dynamics of conflict within families and the importance of addressing issues to maintain healthy relationships.
Explicit
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Transcript
And welcome to another show, don't get this twisted. I am Rob, along with my co -host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?
Tina (:I'm hanging in there Rob, it's been quite the day so far so it's kind of like deja vu right now. Right?
Robb (:It has. Almost exactly like Deja Vu. Like we've done this show before and it ended up sounding bad and I couldn't use it. I know.
Tina (:I think we have.
Yeah, so we're back at it, doing it again so that everybody could hear us.
Robb (:I know, which is even funnier, because now it's what, how many hours later? Five or six hours later. And here's the funny thing, when we decided to do the show, we forgot what we talked about this morning, which is even kind of funnier. It's been a morning. So it's actually quite humorous. I'm glad we got the test run out of the way.
Tina (:Hahaha.
Tina (:Yeah, it's been a long day so far. Yeah.
Tina (:Yeah, we'll see what this show brings. Because of course we're not scripted, I mean...
Robb (:Yeah, that's sometimes I wish we were so it would make this much easier. But no, I disagree. I couldn't scripted shows I couldn't do this. That would be so impersonal. That's not that's not that's what makes us us we can do all kinds of crazy shit. and it's hot. Home.
Tina (:No. No.
Tina (:It is hot. It is so hot. I was out until just a little bit ago and yeah, even sitting down on the seats right now is not cool on the backside. It is so, I do. I do and it burns your ass.
Robb (:Do you have leather interior? Yeah, me too. Yeah, me and the kid just got back from lunch, so I literally just walked in the door and it's 93 where I'm at.
Tina (:Yeah, it was 102 in my car, so it's a hop.
Robb (:Yeah, it's good. The summer switch has been turned on. Me and my friend down the street, we were talking because she's lived out where I live her whole life. And I was like, hey, you know, the last two summers were really good. The first summer I moved here was brutal. We had like a whole month of like 106. It was absolutely horrible. And then the next summer, you know, it was nice. Like it was still 90, but it was like that. It really didn't get higher than like 92 the whole summer.
Tina (:Mmm.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:And I was like, hey, is this good? She's like, don't jinx it, just let it go. And then we had another summer. And then I was just talking to her and she goes, yeah, I think it's gonna be a bad summer. Cause we had like that two or three days like two weeks ago that were like brutal and it was out of nowhere. And she goes, yeah, I think we're screwed. And I was like, yeah, yeah. No, I was like, yeah, you're probably right. And it's probably, and you're gonna get it too.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:So, I'm sorry, go ahead.
Tina (:So last year, okay, so I'm really light -complected and I have to go out in the sun to get some color. Otherwise, I tell everybody I look transparent. So last year, we couldn't even get in the pool till after the 4th of July because we weren't having warm enough weather for the pool to get warm. We don't have a heater in the pool, but normally it's not a problem in California, right? Well, this year we've been in the pool now two weeks, so we're talking.
Robb (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:We're talking middle of June, we've been able to start off and it is brutal. I've already burned, peeled, burnt again, still waiting for that second peel. And this is all in a couple of weeks. It's been fantastic. And you can't see through me now.
Robb (:Wow.
Robb (:Yeah, yeah.
It's a positive too, because she has a pool as well. And I was asking her the same thing, because she takes her grandbabies in there. And I was like, so how is it? Is it nice? She's like, yeah, because it's hot outside now. Like, it's starting to warm up. I'm like, yeah. And it's not getting super duper cool at night.
Tina (:Yeah.
Tina (:Yeah.
Tina (:Yeah.
Tina (:No, that, and see that's what makes the pool stay warm is the warmer nights. I've already gone through two bottles of sunscreen. Yeah, I've been in the pool a lot, a lot.
Robb (:Wow, look at you. Mm -hmm. Alrighty, well, let's jump into the show. We are going to do it on avoiding conflict. Because, well.
Tina (:Because who wants to deal with conflict?
Robb (:Yeah, and I think it's the looking at it from both sides, because since we've done the show already, I think that now I can have a much larger, rounder picture of it. Because, you know, avoiding contact or conflict is kind of a must in a lot of ways, because it will keep you safe. I think it's a, you know, it's a device to say, hey,
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:If I don't do this, I stay happy, right? Or I stay safe. Because a lot of us end up, you know, content. If you're content, if you avoid conflict, you end up being content. But then you ruminate, and then the next thing you know, it builds into this monstrous volcano of bullshit and hate, and then you end up just, and it blows up on everybody.
Tina (:Yeah, I don't know. When I'm, I like to talk. I'm the one that wants to talk about whatever it is that's going on. And, and I'm not a fan of being ignored when we're going through that. I'm pretty, I don't need to be talked to all the time. I don't need somebody to be, you know, I don't need attention 24 seven. I don't. But if there's an issue and you don't want to discuss it or you're not going to discuss it, that's not going to sit well with me.
Like I'm, I definitely need to, to talk about things, but I don't want to sit there and throw like ego back and forth at each other. I want to have a conversation. I want to try to resolve it so I could get back to being happy with you and loving to you and, and you know, like not have to deal with constant being mad. Cause that doesn't sit well with me. It just, it just doesn't make me a good person.
So I try to talk about it.
Robb (:I agree with you. I'm... Now I'm much like that. I would rather get things out in the open and avoid real conflict. I think if you bring something to the forefront or you want to have a discussion with somebody, that's not like serious conflict. That is, that is, hey, let's nip this in the ass before it gets to be this monster.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:No.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:real conflict, you know, I think everyone tries to avoid. It's the one thing that like, it'll burn at you all day long, because you know it's coming at night. Like that kind of, that's the worst. I mean, mostly like when you were young and you knew like,
Tina (:Yeah, I hate that.
Tina (:Wait till your father gets home?
Robb (:report card was coming. Yeah, or your report card came and you knew it was shitty. And it was just you the whole day you were just like, okay, it's coming. It's coming.
Tina (:Those were the worst of times, the freaking grades. My brother and another person that was staying here at the time that my parents were kinda like foster parents too, I would hate it because I would get good grades and they wouldn't. And I'd have to hear it anyway and it would make my stomach sick and I'd be like, my God. Almost like I was taking the punishment as if it was my own.
I hated grades. I hated grades for that reason.
Robb (:Yeah, and I think that there's that kind of conflict in relationships, right? Where you know something's coming or...
Tina (:yeah, for sure.
Robb (:You can feel it in your partner where they've been kind of distant or whatever and you don't know what day it's coming, but it's coming. So then every day you come home is shitty like that. Or if you're in a relationship that's, I mean, semi narcissistic, where every day is a conflict. I mean, I couldn't live in a house like that and I know people who have where,
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:Mmm.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:literally they would rather be at work than be at home. And I was like, wow. My relationships have never gotten that bad to where like, you know, even when I knew conflict was coming, bad stuff or, but not enough to go like, I just wish I wasn't, I could stay at work all day. And I know more than one person that that's happened to.
Tina (:for sure.
Tina (:Wow.
Robb (:Or the flip side where one was a stay -at -home mom and really didn't want their husband to come home because every time he came home it was conflict. So I can understand the avoidance. We all want to avoid that. And I think that that's where your romantic side of the conflict, those type of things where...
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:you avoided at all costs. So like in her case, she would make sure dinner was made. She would, you know, make sure the kids were always around, like doing things with the kids. So then he couldn't, you know, mess with her. And it was wild to hear that kind of thing. Cause I'm such a, you know, hearing a bunch of things about different people's relationships, I realize that I'm just a different cat. Like I'm just a totally different kind of...
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:Yeah.
Robb (:human, I am. And like, when I hear about these men that are just total pieces of shit, I'm just like, I don't understand that. That's not who I am. So for me, it's like very difficult to see that. And I'm sure it's the same with women who aren't like horrible, narcissistic women. Like that, you know what I mean? So like, it's probably the same. But for me, you know, avoiding the middle,
Tina (:Yeah, you kinda are though. Yeah.
Robb (:ground or higher kind of conflicts, I can understand. You don't wanna talk about certain things and, cause you know, like, I've been at work all day, I came home, like, I just want the night to go by and then one of the partners doesn't. And the next thing you know, it's like, shit starts popping off and things go, and then it just ruins things. So I can understand the avoidance.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:I get it. I get it, but at the same time, if you want something to work, you can't avoid it. You just have to find a way around it. Set your ego aside and have a real conversation and then listen to what's being said to you and then, you know, put it to work. Like make it work for you. Like if I'm in a relationship with somebody, it's because I want to be there. And if I want to be there with them, I don't want to sit there and be miserable with them.
I got too many things I would rather be doing with them and I guarantee they would have a good time. But to sit there and have like these wrecking ball conversations, it's just so draining and unnecessary. You know, if you love somebody or if you care about somebody or if you're respectful of somebody, you try to communicate.
Robb (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:get your point across and still try to hear what everybody else is saying. That's what makes a good communication. And you know, I will avoid, but then I'll be the one to be like, nope, let's fix this because I can't live with the big old elephant in the room. I just can't.
Robb (:Right.
Robb (:Yeah, I mean, and a lot of this I think goes back to.
growing up, right? It's the avoidance of getting in trouble with our parents, I'm sure, or avoiding that. Because, I mean, at least in my case, I had a single dad and I did my best to avoid getting in trouble. So I would do my best to avoid being in the house for a lot of different reasons. I mean, not just because me and my dad had issues, but just because I knew if something was coming, I would do my best to like, I'd come home the latest I can.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:if I knew I was gonna get in trouble, because then I could at least be outside for a long period of time, knowing that I was gonna get prison time. Yeah, like if you knew you were gonna get grounded that last day, well, you stayed out. That's avoidance on the biggest level of anything. That's the biggest avoidance of conflict ever, because you were like, okay, I know. And it's funny, because my best friend, he lived, I lived in an apartment building. There was a parking.
Tina (:In your final days? Alright.
Tina (:That's funny.
Robb (:road in between his house and the apartments that I lived in. And the same thing happened to him all the time, because we were always in some kind of issue or some kind of trouble for not doing something we were supposed to. So we avoided conflict like the Black Plague with our parents. And there's good reason, because you know.
Tina (:Mm -hmm, I remember.
Tina (:Yeah.
Robb (:you didn't want to get in any kind of trouble. Or there's people who avoided their parents for other issues. Like, I mean, you know, you can go down the line of narcissistic parents, alcoholic parents, you know, whatever it is, that's also avoiding conflict. If you had somebody who drank every night in your house, I'm sure that that had to be the biggest avoidance of conflict ever.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:Well, I didn't experience that, but I know that at the end of my mom's life with the pills, I wanted to avoid it at all costs, but I couldn't because I had to be there. But I remember just every day going, fuck, I don't want to do this today. I just want to run. Like, run. I always felt like I just needed to run to get away from life, you know, because it was too serious and it was too depressing and it was...
just seemed kind of hopeless.
Robb (:And that's a conflict on many levels. That could be a mental conflict, a physical conflict with somebody who is under the influence of a narcotic who knows what they're gonna do. Those are the type of issues.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:It was an inner conflict, you know, cause, cause before my mom had the aneurysm, she was like a super mom and she could do anything. And she was brilliant. Like she was fun. All my friends loved her. It was, she was the one that everybody went to. And to see her go from that to something that was so broken and, and I couldn't get her back, you know, her, her brain didn't work the same. Nothing, nothing worked the same.
and I couldn't get her back. And that was a conflict. Dealing with this whole person that I didn't know, didn't love, wasn't, you know, I didn't know her. I didn't know who she was after the brain aneurysm. And the person that I did love and that I did know and I could count on wasn't there. But I still had my person. It was, that was a hard one for me.
Robb (:I mean, I could see and avoidance was probably what you were, that, eh. I mean, look, conflict sucks. But sometimes it's the only way to fix a problem. You know what I mean? And I know that's like, as bad as it sounds, it is true because some things have to come to a head, right? And it's like, I'll give you the example of, you know.
Tina (:Ooh, I ran every chance I got.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:and you know, parent a child, you know, you come home and you ask your kid to do something, right, whatever it is, you have a list. Because I'll leave a list for my kid during the day. And I'll come home and see that, you know, one of the four got done. And I'm like, come on. But, you know, I don't want to bring conflict because I know he's gonna...
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:then we're both just gonna have a shitty night, but I can't let it go because if I do then he thinks it's okay. So, you know, I'll find a way to avoid the conflict for a small bit of time because if I come home and just start slamming him, he, you know, then he wants to go to like, well, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. And I got to hear that. So those are the things where avoidance doesn't help, right? He's, I'm just.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:I'm making the problem worse by not saying anything to them. But then I gotta have to take the repercussions of, you know, why do you always have to do this? And you're always doing this and blah. So I get it. And, and, you know, when you have that kind of things going on in life, it does suck. You know, my friend, she has three kids and they're all older and they all have their own. None of them live there. So.
Tina (:Mm.
Robb (:they have their things and there's avoiding conflict with, you know, some that don't talk to, you know, they don't talk anymore and other issues. And then, you know, this child's doing this and one lives far away and she's trying to do this and trying to help. And there's, there's always some kind of conflict and she's at a point where she's like, you know, not that she wants to avoid it, just that it's a lot.
Tina (:Yeah.
Robb (:So that's why you want to avoid it. You don't want to avoid it because it's going to be hurtful or detrimental. You avoid it for your own sanity. And I think that's what a lot of us do as well in things that are serious. You avoid that because you're just like, I don't want to have a bad night. I don't want to have a bad night.
Tina (:Mm -hmm, absolutely.
Tina (:Yeah, that's going to be a big monster to slay if I open up that topic.
Robb (:And like you said, yeah, like we said, like you start looking at how many nights do you avoid it until then it really blows up and then it's, you're right, you're slaying a dragon. It's just like, and then there's no win. Cause the other person, you know, you go to your husband and go, you know, wow, I've been holding onto this and now, and then he gets defensive.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:Whoa, why didn't you tell me four nights ago? Because I didn't want to ruin the night. So avoidance in general, I think, is very natural, right? Because none of us want to be down. We all want our mates or our parents or our kids to be happy.
Tina (:Yeah, we want to walk in the house at the end of the day and everybody's happy and there's drama going on all over the place. Of course. Right.
Robb (:Yeah, and it's hard, right? I mean, even like new relationships, you get in a new relationship and let's say you're going down, you've been seeing somebody two or three months, let's just say, because I think that's a good measuring stick of you've hung out a lot, you're learning each other's idiosyncrasies, these little flaws that you see in people.
and you want to bring one of these flaws to the forefront because it bothers you. When do you do it? Right? And you have to do it with some kind of, hey, you know, like it's bothering me, but, you know, I like you, but, or, and then it comes to a thing where it's, some of it's who we are. So,
Tina (:Of course.
Robb (:So then you have to go to and go, look, I love you the way you are, and I don't want you to change, but you have to understand that this is what's bothering me. That's, if you avoid those conversations, two years later, you're broken. You can't fix that kind of thing. And you're still, or it's still bothering you. And it can be something silly, but at least I will tell anybody anything now. If...
Tina (:Yeah, you're still not happy.
Robb (:If the person I like there's an issue with, I will tell her. Even though I might even say, it's not a huge deal, but I want you to know. Because it's not something that's going to ruin our relationship, but... To me, those are serious, yet small things. The small things matter. And it's the same. And... All right.
Tina (:Right?
Tina (:absolutely. Because those are the things that build up. Normally, if you you've been in a relationship for a while and you've been living with a person like you get used to the way they are, whether you like it or not, you get used to it. But if you're constantly like
If you're constantly, how do I say this? I'm having a hard time today. If, if it's constantly working at you and working at you, working at you, you're definitely going to have something to say about it. It's going to come, it's going to come right, fester right up on the surface. Yeah.
Robb (:And when it gets to that, sometimes you get to that point where there's no fixing it because then people start resenting you for not giving conflict. Why didn't you tell me five months ago? Why didn't you tell me when we first met? Why didn't this happen? That's why for me, be straightforward. Being straightforward can hurt because I've had things said to me that I was like,
Tina (:Ouch, my eye. Yeah.
Robb (:Yeah and by by someone that I adore.
Tina (:You know what though? I hate when you're in a relationship or you're real close to somebody and they have to tell you in a way that is hurtful. Like there's, I'm always trying to be diplomatic in my approach with people because I know how hard it stings to hear something that's negative or kind of negative towards you. So I've learned over the years that the best way to do that is very kindly.
and without like...
without any judgment. There you go. Without any judgment. And I've gotten pretty good at it by saying, well, you know, if this was different, this wouldn't be happening. You know, you don't have to judge somebody. You could talk to them without having the ego that's trying to slay the beast, you know. Just talk to them. And I find that when I get to talk about it, you know, it's not a secret. OK, if it's not a secret, I'm cool with that because
then there's opportunity for growth. Or we could try to come to some sort of agreement on it or talk about what it is that's really going on and it doesn't have to be a fight. And I like to do things that way because when you're, especially when you're in a relationship or when you're with your kids or when you're with people that you love, you don't want to break them. You wanna get your point across
You could do it in a loving manner. You could be empathetic. Like, nobody needs to be perfect. You know, like, find a way to where it doesn't have to leave a scar. You know? There's a difference between a slap on the ass and an iron to the head. You know, there's a total difference. So, if you love somebody, or if you care for them, or if you're in a -
Robb (:Yeah, correct.
Tina (:situation where you're frustrated with them, remember that they're still your people. They're not the enemy. I say that a lot in when I'm talking to people. Wait, wait, I'm not the enemy. Back it up. Just tell me the story. I'll work with you. You know, I'm always trying to trying to kind of deescalate the bad situation because I don't work well when people are really angry. Nobody does.
Robb (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:Right.
Robb (:Agree. You know, it's some people are just brash and I don't think that they mean to hurt people. They're just built differently.
Tina (:But if they're hurting people, they need to manage that.
Robb (:Correct, and again, I think it's how you say, I'll give you an example. This was many, many years ago. Someone I like, we were talking about life in general, and she was like, I could get rid of everyone in my life, and she goes, and that's even not excluding you. And I was like, You know, because you think like, hey, you know, we like each other, and we talk all the time, but.
I took it like, shit, she goes, yeah, just so you know, you too, I'll get rid of everyone. But now that I've known them a long time, she's pretty brash and you have to take it as just her being her. And I don't think that it's hurtful, it's just, she's very straightforward. She's very much a Gemini, which is, not that I believe a lot in the Zodiacs, but.
If there's someone close to being that, it probably is that. And it's funny too, because we were talking about it, because my birthday was just a couple days ago. And on lots of different zodiacs, I'm a Gemini, and on some of them, I'm a Cancer. And we were kind of going, I'll send her Gemini stuff, and.
Tina (:Mmm.
Robb (:She's like, you are not a Gemini, just so you know. And I was like, yeah, I totally have like two different personalities and blah, blah. And she goes, yeah, you're cancer. You're emotional. You're like all these, you're empathetic. Like all these things that were like, and then I got, I started reading more on cancer stuff just for shits. And she's like, I go, yeah, she's right. Like I am nowhere like a Gemini. I'm generally not mean. I'm like all these like, these different things. So it's how you handle things.
She could probably tell me anything now and I know that she's not trying to be hurtful. It's just how she communicates. And I know lots of people like that, mostly dudes. Dudes will, like my best friend, he will say things to me that we were talking over the weekend and I said something about somebody and he was like.
Tina (:Yeah.
Robb (:Who do you think you're talking to, dude? And I go, no, no, no, it's not like that. And he goes, yeah, it is. He goes, you've been like that for fucking years. He goes, don't try to bullshit me. He goes, I know who you are and I've listened to you for 40 years. He goes, you don't think I know? And I was like, yeah. I go, I know, dude, but I'm trying to not. And he goes, don't try to bullshit me, dude. He goes, it's okay. He goes, I understand where you're coming from, but. Yeah. So, and that's where like,
Tina (:Hehehe.
Tina (:Right?
Tina (:Nah.
Tina (:He gets you.
Robb (:I don't avoid conflict with him, right? There is no, years and years and years, he's been married, well let's see, almost seven years now. So way back in the day, way back, like maybe 15 years ago, he was with somebody that I didn't think was best for him. Let's just say that, for a lot of reasons.
Tina (:Mm, okay.
Tina (:Hehehehehe
Robb (:He also kept me away from her. I think I only met her like three times and they were together 10 years. And it's probably for the best because at that time I was a different person and I had a filter that was very, very weak and I would say lots of mean things. But...
Tina (:Mmm.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:You
Robb (:At one point they were starting to kind of lose their relationship and I finally was like, thank goodness. And he was like, what? And I was like, yeah, you need to get out of that shit. It's horrible for you. You're doing this, this, this, this, and this. She's not who you want. You're staying there just because. And I hammered him. I hammered him. And I don't think he was ready for that. Cause he was just like, And I said, yeah, dude, I just.
When you're best friends, you do your best to be both sides of that coin, right? Because you are avoiding the conflict of saying, hey, this girl you're dating is fucking horrible for you. So you do kind of go with it and go. So the other answer is, as long as you're happy, right? And I think that that's avoiding conflict for dudes. Whatever makes you happy, man. And there's, yeah.
Tina (:Right?
Tina (:That's what floats your boat. But I get why you guys do that because guys have a really different structure when for for how they deal with things than women do. So I get why guys want to avoid I but in all honesty, I like to avoid to I don't like to get caught up in that the last thing I want to do is fight with somebody not that I'm not good at fighting and not that I don't
Robb (:for sure. Yeah, we're different. We're different for sure.
Tina (:When I get to that point won't go there, but it's just Then you got to look like an asshole then you got to rein it in then you got to apologize and look like a dickhead like I I don't see the point of all that to me to me because I will refuse to to fight with somebody and and have been I just shut down and once you shut me down, that's just sad because
Robb (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:It takes a lot to shut me down. I'm not the one that goes down without a fight, but once you get me there, I'm like, all right.
Robb (:Right.
That's my biggest problem is that I'm a fighter and I'll fight and fight and fight and fight because if I believe in something I won't give up and That in some cases is a great trait and in other cases, it's not a good trait so but I'm I am sort of like you though like when I finally decide to you know, cut the cord I cut it and I
Tina (:It's cut. Yeah, that's how I am. Because I'm like, I've done all I could do. You're still acting like a fool. You're not showing me respect and I don't treat you like that. And I've said that over the years. I've said that so many times and people will tend to get it because they'll see me in action that I'm not trying to be the enemy, that I'm not trying to stick it to them. But until they figure that out, we go through it. And a lot of times it
Robb (:it.
Tina (:you don't stick it out with a person because it's just too much work. And that's sad too because then you don't get to see how far things go.
Robb (:Yeah, and like I said, the conflict part of all that we're talking about is that though, right? So, you know, you fight and fight and fight and fight and fight, and maybe you're avoiding conflict inside that fight, but just not a lot. Like you're going and you're going. I had the same thing happen during my divorce. I was fighting for six months afterwards and I got a phone call from my oldest daughter saying, look, you need to end this, blah, blah.
and called my ex -wife. I said, hey, do you have any, and I avoided the conflict of asking her, like, do you really want this to work for six months? And she finally was like, no, we shouldn't drive, blah, blah, blah. And not too long after that, we went to our reunion. And when I cut the cord, I was like, boom, done. I didn't think about it anymore. I moved on. It was a light switch.
And so that's how I am. So I will fight until the end, but when I finally hit the light switch, there's no going backwards. I don't. So I think now differently, I mean, obviously 15 years later.
Tina (:Yep.
Robb (:I think I would not avoid a lot of conflict because I want a relationship to work and I would rather have a few little tiffs because I didn't fight a lot with my ex -wife and I probably should have more. And I know that sounds very counterproductive, but I think it is. And I was talking to my friend down the street, we were talking about relationships because she's single and...
Tina (:Right? No, I get it.
Robb (:We were talking about certain things. We went to dinner one time and I was like, hey, if you got in a relationship right now, would you be opposed to doing couples therapy from the beginning? Like nipping things in the ass. It's okay to just talk with somebody and where you're going in life. And I don't mean like after the second date. I'm talking like, you know, you've decided to be a couple and you're moving forward in something. And she was like, yeah, I totally do that. Because I heard it on a podcast.
and the guy goes, I think it's a great idea. Once you're in a committed relationship with somebody, it's okay to, because then you have a middle person that if you have little things that might be a problem, you have someone to kind of go back and forth with you. So you're avoiding conflict by having someone else help you that's not your family or a friend or whatever.
Tina (:You know, a lot of family, I would say go to a therapist before you go to your family just because that's a different dynamic and your families. I believe that you learn your lessons from having family and then you learn how to cope with everything by creating your own family, by having your people, by having your friends that are close to you that you stick with and do things with like.
Those are the people that got your bag. I don't believe it's your people that come from the same, that are cut from the same cloth. I do believe that those are lessons that you need to learn with them.
Robb (:For sure, because I think that by doing going down that road, there's other things that can happen. You're less likely to, because then you might have conflict with the family over your mate. And I know that there's issues with that within a family. Who you pick, well, I pick who I wanna pick. So.
And then the family will avoid the conflict of saying like, and it happened with me, like, we knew she was, she wasn't good for you from the beginning. It's like, okay. Thankfully my family didn't tell me until the end, which is great because I believe that that's fair. You have to let your family live within your dynamic, right? So they avoided conflict with me by just letting me pick a mate. And, and I think now
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:my closest family, obviously my son, you know, I've talked to him about certain things because of people around me that I like. And he's very straightforward. And I like that he's a little more mature than most of his friends because he grew up really fast. I said, hey, what do you think about this? He goes, I don't care, dude, go be happy. Because he goes and he kind of said, like he goes, I won't be here forever. I'm going to go have a life of my own and I'm going to meet my own girlfriend and.
then what? And I go, I won't care. You know, be with who you want to be with. It's your relationship, not mine. So I'm kind of glad that he kind of learned that from me because maybe he'll go into his next relationship with, you know, not avoiding conflict, but doing the right thing because he knows how to talk with people. And he understands that sometimes conflict is good and sometimes avoiding it is better.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:Yeah, well and like in relationships with conflict like there there comes a point in in time where you have to You really have to deal with the conflict. You have to have the tough decisions. You have to tell the truth you have to You have to show up basically and in in honesty in that sort of relationship, but once once that happens too then
Robb (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:if you want things to work, you need to continue to work on keeping things better, keeping the bond close. And then a lot of times, couples, and I was one of them, we couldn't even talk at times. There could be no resolution. Just don't fan the flames. Let it go. Just calm it down for as much as you could calm it down.
Then you know go at it later when you you feel like you could get somewhere but I think a lot of times people with family members with mates They they have this conflict and they want to hold on to it being right is a big deal, right? you know or or You know showing you that it is you that it is you that you're supposed to do that, right? You're supposed to
mirror people right and no like especially in a relationship your primary goal is to support and be loving and hope that you as you guide each other through life that you learn the lessons you're supposed to learn but it doesn't need to be with a swift kick in the head like when it's your mate they should put on kid gloves and they should be a little kinder or say it without
you know, abusing the other person or without making them feel like they're inadequate. They're I believe that we need to start respecting our maids, especially like they are everything to us because they're that's how they're supposed to be, honestly. And and use kid gloves. It doesn't mean don't deal with the conflict. It doesn't mean let it go because I'm not I'm not a believer in that. But what it does mean is remember
Robb (:Mm -hmm for sure
Tina (:This is somebody you love. This isn't somebody you want to win against. Nobody wins if you're fighting. So you kind of want to... I don't know, I always tell people be kind to each other. Like start with that. See where the other ones coming from. Try to understand them. And truly, if you want to know them, don't come in with an opinion. Because they're not going to show you the real them if you've already got them wrong.
Robb (:Right.
Robb (:I loved your answer of you don't always have to be right. And I think that that's a very true statement where you will avoid conflict by making sure that your mate, even your family, knows that you don't always have to be right. Because...
Tina (:Mm -mm.
Tina (:I don't want a perfect person because I cannot be perfect. I would like to find somebody that would perfectly work with me.
Robb (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:Mm -hmm. Yeah, it's I Put a meme on the other day. It was basically saying look we all come with baggage There's two people there's there's two kinds of people that you're in a relationship One who steps over the bag and then one that picks it up and helps you unpack it so that It could because I think it's true because look we're all flawed as we get older. We have tons of other issues
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:Yeah, that's a good one.
Robb (:but you have to look at somebody. If I'm looking at a mate right now, if I think like, she's not going to have problems, you're crazy. We've lived 50 years. So to think that you can't be okay with having a shit ton of flaws, you're avoiding your own conflict.
Tina (:Everybody has problems. Everybody.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:Yes, you're gonna have flaws. Come over here and sit next to me. I got them too. Let me help you heal. Because that's the reality of the world. And it's no different with your parents. If you had a shitty relationship with your parents growing up, it's okay to go back to them and go, look, maybe you fucked up a little bit. Maybe I was a shitty kid. How do we fix this so we can avoid conflict going forward for the remaining years of your life?
Tina (:right?
Robb (:and vice versa with your kid, same thing. Let's say you had a falling out with your child, same difference. You can make it work and it can be not a conflict. It can be avoiding a serious conflict by an olive branch. So.
Tina (:Absolutely.
Tina (:Yeah. And if you truly love the person, you don't want to slaughter them. Like give them a hand, help them up out of it, try to work with them, do what you got to do and be kind. Or fight with them, be miserable, fuck everything up and then you'll be miserable alone and have to deal with who you are and your ego on your own.
Robb (:And
Robb (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:And I think that that's the bigger thing is like, look, we're not gonna change, right? Well, I take that back. You're not going to change the other person, right? You can change, because I have changed in the last seven years of my life with people that I've liked, I've changed.
Six years, seven, six, five years ago, I think it was six and five years ago, I did a lot of dumb shit that I know better to do now. I think differently, I react differently, or I'm trying, because I have my bumps and bruises. But I won't avoid the conflict of, with her over certain things, because I think it's important for both of us to understand where we sit.
She's the same, she's very blunt and I kinda like that. And I think that you should do the same along everyone in your family. At one point, me and my mom had issues while I was married. And to the point where she didn't like what I was gonna name my son and it became an issue, a big one. To the point where I had to call my mom and go, you're either gonna call him this or don't call me ever again.
Tina (:Hmm
Tina (:Wow.
Robb (:And I said that, those exact words, because I wasn't going to let that slide. I was 31 years old at the time. I go, I'm an adult. You don't want to call your grandson this name, then don't. But I'm done. And yeah, it was rough. I'm telling you, it was rough. But I couldn't avoid that conflict because it had to be said. So at the end of the day, my mom...
Tina (:Wow.
Robb (:called back and was like, you're correct. I'm sorry, I did dumb things and I'm going to be calling him by his name because that's what you're gonna name him. And loved my, loved her grandson until the day she died. So, but I didn't avoid that conflict for the best of everyone. And I think that...
Tina (:Mm.
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Tina (:Yeah, I think they're running from conflicts. They're probably some of the worst things you could do because just because you don't want to deal with it doesn't mean the problem is going to get better if you don't.
Robb (:Correct. And don't get me wrong, no one likes it. Nobody walks into the room going, man, can't wait to fight with my girlfriend today. No man alive on this planet wants to do that. Unfortunately, we have to sometimes and vice versa. Look, I don't think most girls like conflict. No one does. It's...
Tina (:in.
Tina (:I don't know I think girls more than men definitely like conflict more because they cause a lot more normally guys are indifferent they just won't you know pay attention but girls they'll create a little shitstorm
Robb (:Maybe.
Robb (:And I won't argue that fact, but I think that most people, most, like don't want a serious conflict because it sucks. It drains you, it fucking stresses you out, it gives you anxiety, you get depression from it. There's all kinds of issues that come from that kind of thing. So for me, avoiding it for so long makes it too big. If you have a problem with me, and that means all of us,
Tina (:Hehehehe
Mm -hmm.
Robb (:Come to me the first time so we can get it out in front of everything. Let's fix this shit now because if I love you, I'm gonna want to fix it.
Tina (:squash it.
Tina (:even if that means you have to change a little bit.
Robb (:Wholeheartedly. Like I said, I did a couple of dumb things over the last couple years that I had to, you know, if you've ever heard the term love bombing, I'm really good at it. Like really good. I sent flowers and all kinds of things. But at a time period where I shouldn't have, let's just say that, that's the better way of putting it. So.
Tina (:Hehehe.
Robb (:You know, now I have to, I sit back and go, I can't do this kind of thing. I can't do this, I can't do that, because it's not right. And I'm doing, I'm not helping the situation. So now, like I said, with, I step back now, because I've changed myself, because it's for the better of everyone. Your mate, your parent, your child.
all of that will fall into place and people will change on their own. If they don't want to change then they don't want the better part of whatever that is. And sometimes you have to just go okay as bad as it hurts. Because you can't change the people who don't want to change. If your child doesn't want to be in your life then sometimes you got to go okay.
Tina (:They may not want to make it work.
Tina (:Mm -mm.
Robb (:If your boyfriend is getting distant and he's not gonna be in your life, you have to let him go. It's the way it is. People come together because they want to and they'll make things work. Even if it's having a lot of conflict in the beginning or making sure they don't avoid it at all to make things work. And I think it's an important part of...
Tina (:Mm -hmm.
Robb (:being human to either avoid for the right reasons or not avoid for the right reasons.
Tina (:I don't know. I think that if it's something that just isn't sitting well, you need to say something. But there are so many ways to say something that it doesn't have to be a huge shit show. Like, I have a friend that I was just talking to and she was making, she was telling me about her kid and about her husband and about this and that and I said to her, I said, this isn't a big problem.
Like you want your husband to be close with your daughter and you want things to work out that way. But yeah, you don't like that they're ganging up on you. Talk about that, but leave them alone for having a good relationship. Don't put your jealousy and everything into this. You gotta give them something that they can work for too. And if it's including you, just say, hey, I need to be included. I'm their mom, I'm the mom. You know, talk like that.
Not like, you asshole, where were you when I was having the baby? And where were you when when I was taking him to school? Like that's not fair and that's that's not a that's not anything constructive that somebody could could even fix or win at not even and I say win because sometimes you just have to let your mate get a win, you know, there there there has to be time where that happens too and I don't know we just if you love the person
Robb (:Yes.
Tina (:that you're having a conflict with, try to resolve it as humanely as possible without leaving scars because it will never, I was in a relationship for 17 years and stupid shit that I did in the beginning never sat right with the person that I was with and 17 years later we were still talking about the stuff that didn't sit well so if you stay away from it
You could be dealing with it forever. And if you're too mean in dealing with it, you could be sitting in it forever as well. So try to remember that the person that you're with is somebody that you chose. There's somebody that you wanted to be with. There's somebody that supposedly makes you happy, right? That's why you choose the person, because they got your back and they help support and they...
Robb (:Alright.
Tina (:They make you laugh and they build you up like that's that's who you're going to be with, right? That's who you want to be with. So why would you do anything different?
Robb (:Yeah, that's the perfect way to end this. I don't think you can put it any other way.
Tina (:And they did it again.
Yeah, no, well.
Robb (:That's, it's very true. There's something to what you just said. Let it, you have to be constructive and you have to sometimes not win to make sure to avoid the conflict. I totally agree. I think that ego is a huge problem between everyone. And that's everyone we've talked about. Parents, parents, eh. Yeah, everyone.
Tina (:Parents, kids, spouses, parents, I'm gonna say parents again, he goes, parents, I'm dealing with that. Even siblings, yeah, absolutely.
Robb (:bosses, yeah, everyone. It's how you deal. And I think that if you step back for a second, realize what you have, you will make the right decisions going forward. And I think that too many people make decisions on the fly instead of ruminating for a second or two on their own. And then,
going into, because I think if you think things out, you will avoid conflict because maybe it's for the best, or you're gonna go in and go, we have to talk about this and that's for the best. Yeah. All right, well, we're gonna call it a day. This is, make sure you check us out on these social medias, the Facebook, Instagram, and X.
Tina (:I'd hope so.
Robb (:You can check us out on anywhere you can listen to podcasts. Please share this with your friends and family, even though we do curse. And yeah, it's an opinion show, so don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. For Tina, I'm Rob, and we'll see you next week. See ya.
Tina (:He he.
