EP # 170 Understanding Self-Love and Its Challenges

Robb (: 00:01

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Twisted. I am Rob along with my co-host, as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

Tina (: 00:07

If life gets any more crazy, I won't be able to do this. That's how life is right now. How are you?

Robb (: 00:13

Yeah, right, right. No, you know, always, always roller coaster ride around my, my surroundings, but actually not too shabby. Things are doing all right. I went and saw a, a worship concert over here by me the other day. It was really good. It was super awesome. It was over at the arena by us. It was called the Air One. It's like a radio, Christian radio station. It super good. Like to see, and I love my live music, so.

Tina (: 00:22

Great.

Tina (: 00:32

Mmm.

Tina (: 00:39

Okay.

Tina (: 00:43

Yeah.

Robb (: 00:43

Took my friend down the street, we had a good old time. We were all singing.

Tina (: 00:46

It's amazing that you're going to church now because I remember when you were not, you weren't a drinker, weren't, you were so different and now you're going to church concerts even, like I'm impressed.

Robb (: 00:53

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 01:00

Yeah, it's, you know, it's nice. you know, like my friend down the street, at least, I will tell you that she...

No, led the way is better the best way of putting it. She turned me on to this one guy that was online and I would watch his his stuff on Sundays and then kind of got the the ball rolling and then She started going to this church down the street and she's like, you should come Because she liked it and she's not a people person. So It was good so and so I've been going for quite a while now and

Tina (: 01:16

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 01:39

It's It's very good. But the worship thing was really fun because it's live music and I love live music. And it's funny because I listened to the radio station on the way to work or on the way home and I even text her and I was like, man, like Christian music is so different now because it's like contemporary. It's like some of it is like very rock sounding and like it's like so different. I was like, I thought it was going to be like church in the 80s and it's not.

Tina (: 01:47

Yeah.

Robb (: 02:09

It's very good. It was a fun night and I'm glad we both went because I think again, we're both kind of in our own little minds and we both kind of needed it. It was really good. but we're going to roll into, I texted you the other day because I think I was in my car literally listening to another podcast and it kind of was raked over but

Tina (: 02:19

Mm-hmm. Nice.

Robb (: 02:37

they were talking about it and self-love and not that they made fun of it, but they both talked about it how it's like the new thing, like self-love, like everyone needs self-love. And it was a bodybuilder and he was kind of talking about how in that community, like self-love is very hard because you can never be big enough or never be muscular enough or never look good enough in your own head.

Tina (: 03:05

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 03:06

And it kind of took me back to like, think how a lot of people feel right now. And look, not to boast a little bit, but I weighed in this morning and I'm actually 50 pounds down now. Yeah, so you do, think there is a little self-love there, but you do start looking at yourself differently as well, where you're thinking like, well, this doesn't look as good and...

Tina (: 03:20

Wow, that's great.

Robb (: 03:35

Am I too small? A lot of weird things go through my head. But self-

Tina (: 03:41

That always happens with body changes.

Robb (: 03:44

Yes. look, body dysmorphia is a thing without a doubt. So I started thinking like self-love. think, yes, we all need it. And we do. And for a lot of different reasons, I think you need self-love before you can love somebody else. And I was talking to my friend down the street about it because of like, even said something to me like that. Cause like, again,

Tina (: 03:48

It's very much so, yeah. yeah.

Tina (: 04:05

Absolutely.

Robb (: 04:14

It's not a, I've talked about her on the show bunch of times, I really like her and in doing my best to inch my way into date her and I would love to get there. But she said something to me about that. She's like, I have to love myself before I can love anybody else. And she doesn't right now. And I can understand why and she's gonna be on this show. I've already talked about it and it's gonna be basically just you two because I don't wanna be on that and I think it's.

Tina (: 04:40

Good.

Robb (: 04:43

And we'll talk off the air after this and talk about it because it's in stone. It's just a matter of setting up a day. So there is something about that. I think stepping back and looking around a lot of people around me, there isn't a lot of self-love in people these days. And for a lot of different reasons.

Tina (: 04:50

Okay.

Robb (: 05:07

I just think that the world is so harsh on us for everything. And I mean, it's not even self-love about how you look. It can be just be how you are, right? Work, family life, home. I think today is, it's so difficult to just be a human being. It's...

Tina (: 05:21

Exactly.

Tina (: 05:32

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 05:35

Work has its own issues, right? And then you think, man, I can't wait to escape to get home. And then you get home and home can be a battlefield for some people. Yeah. But I mean a battlefield. Do you know what I mean? Like it's.

Tina (: 05:44

is equally as chaotic, right? Mm-hmm.

More than you know. More than you know.

Robb (: 05:53

Yeah, more than you know. And then dealing with your children of any age can be difficult for people. I've, my friend down the street has had some issues. I have had some recently where I kind of took a stand against my boy. I came home and we didn't, it wasn't a coming to Jesus meeting, but it was close.

Tina (: 06:04

Yep.

Robb (: 06:23

Like I told him he could leave.

And not in a horrible way, just a, you got to grow up way. And, he, then he kind of threw a bunch of shit in my face and was like, you are kicking me out. And if I leave here, I won't talk to you again. And I was like, okay. Like, so it's hard to, these things are always, I think, pushing on yourself love because you think

Tina (: 06:52

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 06:53

this person says this to me and this person says this to me and this person says something and all of a sudden you feel like the weight of the world is on you and no one loves you. And so you can't love yourself. So I'm gonna read something off of this so we just have a small definition of self-love. And I think this kind of is good. It's from the Cleveland Clinic. It's a health thing. I just kind of typed it in Google.

But it says self-love is about replacing the harsh inner critic with a really kind and compassionate voice. The ability to practice self-compassion is really good way to define self-love.

Robb (: 07:36

That's... Yeah. When you read it like that, I was like, wow. Yeah, you've got to get that fucking harsh critic out of your head and really kind of step backwards and see that things aren't that bad.

Tina (: 07:37

I get it.

Tina (: 07:48

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 07:58

You know, people do love you. You're just so wrapped up in other shit you can't see it.

Tina (: 08:01

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 08:07

And oftentimes when you love yourself, you have to stand your ground with other people in your life, whether it be your kids, your parents, your siblings, your aunts, uncles, cousins, whatever significant other, whatever is going on in your life. That's not self love is not just loving yourself, but you got to stand for yourself too. And that's, that's, that's not an easy thing. I,

I feel like I do pretty good with myself. I've really worked at being the person that I want to have around me. You know what I mean? And, you know, even today, my dad had fallen. He has a concussion. He had broke his nose. He's got a wound on his knee from the week before when he fell. Like there's all these things going his eye was shut, from swelling. So he couldn't drive and I had to drive them to the doctors today. And in driving them to the doctors, he was pissed off.

because I didn't just stop the car and let him out when there's people behind me. And he literally opened the door and tried to get out. And then we fought in the doctor's office because.

As much like you have to love yourself enough to stand up for yourself. And I was like, look, I don't want to bring you here. I wish you would just stand up and quit falling over, but you don't seem to think that what's going on in your world is something that you need to address. So every time you fall, I have to take you here or there everywhere. And then you treat me like shit. And I'm here to tell you, I don't want that. So if you're going to treat me like this, you get yourself an access ride, do whatever the hell you got to do, but I'm not going to be bringing you.

And it, it.

Tina (: 09:49

Flared from there and it went into the doctor's office and I finally just said in front of the doctor Look, this is what's going on. I don't want to be a part of this. I don't want to handle this What do we need to do to get him back to where he needs to be and and I think they were over medicating him and You know every time he goes to the doctor He's got something new going wrong that he's got to take a pill for and I believe that a lot of the pills that he was taking Was making him unbalanced. So I said to the doctor

So this is not my problem. This is not my fault. What do we need to do to fix him? Because I want to go back to having my own life where I'm not pissed off all the time at this man.

And the doctor looked at me and he said, you know, I get you on that. Like you're normally pretty happy or you're content with yourself. You you have your own beat in your head that you're walking to or marching to. And and I wouldn't want to deal with this either. And it was funny because I went home and I was telling my brother and my aunt and I was like, I need help with this because I don't want to do this. I don't want to be treated like this. I won't be treated like this.

You know, and I've been, I believe that in ways I divorced my ex for less. So it's like, you know, and loving yourself enough to put a stop to things is not easy. You have to fight. And it seems like when you're trying to get healthy that

Robb (: 11:08

Right, no, I get that.

Tina (: 11:20

life will make it even harder for you to get there. So you really have to stand your ground and focus on you and take back your life and your agenda and you need to make things happen. of course you still have to be a service to people. still are a...

You know, you're obligated like I am with my dad to help him out. But at the same time, if you don't treat yourself bad and you stand your ground, nobody else will treat you bad either because you're leading the way on how you're going to be treated. And fortunately for me, I'm a little bit louder and a little bit more like, no, I'm not going to put up with this shit and you're going to fix it or find somebody else that'll that'll be your whipping post.

Robb (: 12:05

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 12:06

And I find that you have to do that a lot in life. You have to do that at work. You definitely have to do that with your kids because your kids will test you. You have to do that with your spouse at time because, you know, everybody, everybody wants things their own way, but you still have to have you.

Robb (: 12:23

Correct. Yeah, part of self-love is boundaries.

Tina (: 12:27

Yes, it's a big part of it.

Robb (: 12:29

Yeah. Again, girl down the street, we talk a lot. So lots of things are always said with each other. And she said something to me that she's like, I can never say no. And that's a problem. And I was like, yeah. And I said, am I one of those people? Because I'll ask her and she's like, well, of course you are. And I was like, stop. If you don't, if I say something to you and you don't want to do it, don't fucking do it. Tell me no.

Tina (: 12:53

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 12:58

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 12:59

It's okay. Now, I don't want you to be mean about it, but if you just go, I'm really not feeling like doing that, I'll understand. Those are part of it. on this website, it has some really cool things about how to practice self-love. And one of them, I think this is really good, is allow yourself to feel your feelings. It says,

Tina (: 13:06

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 13:22

you can love yourself and at the same time want to make improvements Upholding the balance between those good and bad feelings is where the magic happens with other people we tend To be much more forgiving than with ourselves Yes, and it says what we want to try to do is to be able to hold the things you love about yourself and things that you don't like about yourself simultaneously I totally agree with that like you you do have to be able to

Tina (: 13:29

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 13:36

That's for sure.

Robb (: 13:52

to see that you do bad things or have done bad things or continue to do bad things.

Tina (: 13:59

or allow things to be done to you that are not advantageous to your good health.

Robb (: 14:04

Correct. And with that, but you do have to be able to see the things that you do that are good. Like you can't, there is a balance in front of you and you should be putting, you should be putting things on both sides of it. Like that's healthy to see that you're, you are doing things. And look, some people, no matter what you do for them, they will not appreciate it.

Tina (: 14:11

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 14:35

They just won't. And that doesn't mean that you stop doing it outright unless it's something that's so egregious that you just have to cut people off.

Tina (: 14:45

Actually it it part of self-love is stopping the bullshit when people aren't treating you right. That's a big part of it You should absolutely stop it if it's not if it's not If it's not reciprocated if it if they're not grateful for it, why do it at all? I mean to an extent you have to do it for your kids if your kids are underage But even after that if they want to be ungrateful you like look do it yourself It's that easy

Robb (: 15:02

Right.

Robb (: 15:10

Right. And I think once they're out of the house, then it's a whole other thing. Look, part of self-love is also being respected. And if you feel you're not being respected, you're killing your own self-love.

Tina (: 15:16

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 15:21

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 15:26

And you have to set the bar. You have to set it. Because like I said, even with my dad, was like, nope, not doing this with you. I don't need to be here. I don't care if people think I'm a shitty daughter because I'm not here. Are you going to be nice to me or are you going to be on your own? Because my niceness has, it has a...

Robb (: 15:30

I agree.

Tina (: 15:52

Limits to what I'll deal with and it also you know You have to if you're not set if if I've set the bar here and you're not meeting me here Guess what? I don't help You know, it's got to be like that

Robb (: 15:53

Sure.

Robb (: 16:02

Right? No, I agree. I also think that it's okay to change the bar where it's at. If you've been doing something for so long that now everyone just thinks that's the way it should be, and then when you decide to change a little bit, they freak the fuck out, it's okay to go to them and go, no, the bar has changed. Like, I'm not just doing this because of whatever.

Tina (: 16:11

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 16:22

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 16:31

And look, that happens a lot, mostly with family, kids, parents. If you've done something for so long and then you're like, look, I'm changing. I want to whatever. I want to go out more. I want to date. I want to do this. It's in your best interest to change the bar and make sure everyone knows. And it's not just being out of spite. I think that's the other problem. And I think self-love too is also...

Again, boundaries and ground rules. You can't let the people around you decide your fate. That's horrible for self-love, I think, when you have to do whatever. On here it says, do self-assessment. What do you need? Even just checking in with yourself on a regular basis can be helpful. Asking yourself, what do I need right now? What's important in my life?

Tina (: 17:08

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 17:29

These are check-ins for self-love. And I think that those, that is probably a very positive way of looking at this as well. What is it do I need in my life right now that I'm not getting and why am I not getting it? And again, that can be, you're gonna have to change the barometer a little bit, right? It's not going from zero to 10, it's gonna go zero to five or zero to four.

Tina (: 17:51

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 17:58

and you're going to change these things as you go and see. But I think this is all around self-love. If you don't think you're pretty or you don't think that these are things that are going to take a long period of time and maybe even people around you that you love to tell you, you know what I mean? But I'm talking about the balance of self-love. Like just getting up in the morning and realizing that

You're a good person and you're fine going through life the way you're doing it and no one gets to tell you this. again, boundaries. And then the flip side, wants and needs. And wants and needs, I think, come with family as well. Like, you have to, at any age, I think, have some kind of line. And I mean any age after the age of 20, you know?

Tina (: 18:57

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 18:58

kids under that, like I had an argument with my kid the other day about...

the borderline between parents and children. And he's like, well, you know, if I was doing this and you said something, I didn't like it, I'm gonna tell you. And I was like, okay, then you can't live here anymore. And he's like, what do you mean? And I said, that's how easy that gets. If you're willing to take a stand, you have to be willing to take what's coming.

Tina (: 19:37

deal with the consequences. Yeah.

Robb (: 19:39

And I think he understood it, but he was like, then I will just leave. And I go, okay, that's you. But other people think that that's being unfair and it's not being unfair. If you live under my roof and I pay 90 % of the shit, you have to understand that I now control 90 % of everything. I really can control 100%, but this is the boundaries I think that we need.

to have self-love. I'm in a place now that I don't want that kind of shit. Life's hard enough.

I want people who understand who I am and this is me and I'm not changing for anybody. And that's all my quirks. That's my bad quirks and my loving quirks. That's just who I am. Same goes for a mate. Like you have to understand your mate. I don't, I'm at a point now where I don't want, I want my home to be

the place that we both come to to have refuge. Every night's not gonna be the greatest night. That's just not realistic. But you also have to be so open in communication to tell your mate, hey, look, I'm not feeling anything tonight. I just wanna lay down and read. And you have to be mad enough to go, okay.

Tina (: 20:51

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 21:13

And vice versa. I was, we were, we were at the gym the other day and I had taken some pre-workout and I was a buzzing boy. And I mean, good. was like, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah,

Tina (: 21:35

Thank

Robb (: 21:42

And then afterwards, she goes to me and she goes, I didn't mean to be mean. I go, no, it's okay. Like, it's okay to tell me to shut up. I know I talk too much. And I said, don't ever be afraid to say that. Just don't be mean about it. Go, hey, you're a bit much right now. I'd rather hear that. And that's being honest, because at least if we're in a situation that we're together, like, and I mean, romantically, sometimes my mouth can get out of control and I won't shut up.

It's okay to lean over and say, hey, you're being a bit much right now. I can't take it. Okay. Because I understand who I am. We watched a movie one night and when I first started kind of hanging out with her more and I probably talked a little too much through it. Then we were going to watch, she invited me over one night for another movie. Literally right before she goes, please don't talk during this movie. And I was like, got it.

Tina (: 22:12

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 22:41

and I didn't say a fucking word. And I'm okay with that. I don't have to always talk. But these are parts of self-love for her. It's okay to talk to people in your life that are close to you that's gonna make you feel better. If I'm being annoying, I don't mean to be annoying and I think she knows that I don't. So it's okay for us to come together and say, hey, you're just being a bit much or.

And then I would go, okay, I get it. Or, you know, or whisper in my ear, hey, you're talking too much. And I would be fine with these things. So, and I think that's self-love. And it's kind of the same with how I feel with your kids or people that are close, even work. If someone's given you, you have to be able to say, hey, this is not good for our work environment. You know, because it's the...

Tina (: 23:37

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 23:39

Self-love is being good everywhere you're at. And another part of this little thing that it says, being kind to yourself. Being kind to yourself is a very hard thing to do, I think. Because when you're having a dark day, you are not kind to yourself. You're self-sabotaging and you will find the worst in everything. And this kind of says like,

Tina (: 23:54

It absolutely is.

Robb (: 24:09

It says on your darkest days, your best to show up for yourself even in the smallest ways. Acknowledge that this is a hard day, a hard moment, a hard week or hard time. Give it that space and then be there for yourself the way you would be there for your best friend. It might involve taking things a little slower that day. It might involve making yourself a nice breakfast, doing something small for yourself or scheduling something you look forward to.

Tina (: 24:26

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 24:38

That's a big one that people often miss, having that something to look forward to.

Tina (: 24:45

you

Robb (: 24:46

You know, I don't do that enough. At least like self-care. And I think I should. There's a massage place down the street that I've been told to go to. And she was like, you should just go there, it. It's like 65, 70 bucks. Go get a good massage. Relax. And, huh? Yeah, I probably won't. She says it's a nice place too. Like, it's good.

Tina (: 25:09

You won't be sorry. You won't be sorry.

Robb (: 25:16

And for me, I that is a good part of self-love. You have to be kind to yourself. And it's very difficult and it's very hard for me. If we're being honest, I I have issues with. I am an over thinker. I will overthink myself into the worst situation I can possibly put myself in. Which I'm I now I do my best every day to not do that when my overthinking brain turns on.

I will literally lay in bed and go, just go to sleep, just go to sleep, just go to sleep, just go to sleep. I try to talk myself out of anything because my brain will turn on and it'll go, hey, this is probably happening. Even though it's so far from the truth. And I know it's far from the truth, but my brain won't tell me that. So my friend down the street also doesn't sleep well. We both don't sleep well. So when we see each other at 4 a.m. to go to the gym.

Tina (: 26:09

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 26:16

Sometimes it's quite humorous because we both look like we've just been drug over there, you know, fighting and screaming. So that's what I do my best. I try to be kind to myself when I start overthinking. I just go, okay, look, this is out of your control. Everything's okay. Just keep going forward. And I think it's working. At night it really works. I just kind of sit there and I go, just go back to sleep, buddy. It's okay. Just go back to sleep.

Go back to sleep.

Tina (: 26:47

I was taught a little trick.

Because for a while I wasn't sleeping and I'm one of those people they could literally lay down on the pillow in two seconds later I'm snoring. I'm out. I'm done for the night And one of the things that I had learned was that to being an oversea over thinker only thinks you into negative patterns unless you purposely stay in a good place and I found that what I do when I'm starting to

get down on myself is I sit in gratitude and I think of all the things I'm grateful for about me personally, about the fact that I got to work on time, that I was able to help somebody with a problem they were having with their kids because I had gone through it. I think about the fact that I have a job and I'm in a good shop because during COVID that wasn't the case. I change my point of view.

With life and how it is currently even though I could like I said right now me and my dad are really going at it But I left the I left the house that I said well. Thank God I don't have to you know be in the same house with him tonight because he's Through the construction he's staying with my uncle and then I'm like well I don't have to take him to work or to the doctor's tomorrow. I could just be me I could just take care of myself. I have some things I gotta get done life is good and I always try to leave it with life is good because

Life is 50-50. It's not good. It's not bad. It's just what we make it so I'm Constantly fighting myself You know saying it's okay life is good and and I have friends that really poo poo The way that I think because of it You know people that have more of a negative

Tina (: 28:40

Attitude or don't know how to be grateful. They're just like, let's see what else this stinking life has to offer You know, I hear that a lot with people and I'm like, yeah, let's see because if you look for negative You're gonna find it because it's everywhere if you look for positive you're gonna find that too and it's everywhere

Robb (: 28:54

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 29:00

But it's to what degree are you gonna work on your thought process? My grandfather used to tell me that we live as Native people with two wolves, one on each shoulder, and the one that you feed is the one that will grow. So if you feed the negative, you're gonna get the negative. If you feed the positive, you're gonna get the positive. But it's not a pass or fail thing. Like I have negative thoughts.

Robb (: 29:20

Yeah, true.

Tina (: 29:30

don't get me wrong but when I'm feeling it and I'm like God I don't even like myself like change the the banter that you have in your head because you're the only one that could fix that nobody else could fix that and

Trust me, I've been working on this for a long time because I was not liking the way life was treating me. But was it really treating me bad or was it just like everything else? You know, it's it is what you make it. And I had to look at my behavior and then change it for me.

And I'm doing way better, I think, than ever. think when we started this podcast, I was not a happy person. I was going through a divorce. I didn't have a place to work. I was having to move home with my dad. A life was not easy. I was leaving my animals. I was leaving my friends. I was leaving my neighbor who was my best friend. it was very, very difficult. And I was leaving my husband that that regardless of how we were getting along, I still loved him. So I really had to.

really had to work on the negative thoughts that were going through my head and with self love, that's really half the battle.

Robb (: 30:44

Yeah, I agree. On here, this is kind of an interesting one. And I think we're kind of in the month of doing this. It support yourself before triggering events. The holidays can be triggering for people. And it's like, yes, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentine's Day. Holidays in general tend to exaggerate what we already feel. If you are feeling lonely,

Tina (: 30:55

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 31:13

Or if you are feeling depressed, you're going to bring it out more because you're looking at it more. says, again, self-love looks different for everybody, but it's worth asking yourself what you need in the days and weeks leading up to the event, the holiday, birthday, anniversary, whatever. So basically what it's saying is before you get to these triggering events, think about what you can do beforehand. And look, I get it. If you've been with somebody for a long time,

Like the holidays, the first holiday after divorce was rough because it was different. It's these certain things that you're going through. And I think that's with anything like relationship wise. This is my friend down the street. She's going through the first Thanksgiving, the first Christmas after being with somebody for a long time. These not that it's triggering, but you you start seeing it like, and she was talking about like she doesn't care about the holidays this year for whatever reason.

Tina (: 31:46

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 32:10

and it could be multiple reasons. And I had that a lot in the very beginning of after my divorce. I was like not hip on. It was cool for my kid and I still did Christmas, but inside I was like, eh, eh, it is what it is. Just because you are used to that familiar, you know, doing the same thing and whatever. And I was with my ex-wife for 10 years.

Tina (: 32:28

Yeah.

Robb (: 32:40

So there was a lot to do that. So I can understand that, kind of pump the brakes a little bit and see what's coming and try to get ready for it.

Tina (: 32:54

But you could also think of it too, which is what I did. And I realized when I was getting divorced that the first holiday season, cause he leaves and goes and spends it with his family. And so he does, he's not around here. So of course I'm alone with my family and I had to do things to make it fun for me. So I started playing games with the kids. I would do a big Christmas game.

with lots of presents in it and we would play a game and I worked on being happy so that I could get through the sad stuff and that really, really was nice. Like you can make your own traditions. know, my mom always had a bunch of Christmas shit everywhere, like everywhere. Like it threw up Christmas all over our house. I was never a Christmas fiend like she was. I looked at it as like crap, it's gonna take three or four days to put everything up.

dust everything off and put it away because you got to put your normal stuff, you know, away. She was going to tell me, no, not here. Put it there. I was just going to be frustrated because I always was. So the first year I decided I'm going to play a game. I'm not going to decorate. I'm not going to care if we eat turkey. I don't care what we do. We're just going to be like happy. And I worked on that and I found that I'm I'm starting to like the holidays better.

For instance, I told my cousin, said, when my new place is completely built and we're able to move in, I said, I want to decorate for Christmas, but nothing of my mom's. I want to buy my own things and have my own Christmas and have it look my my own way. Now, my mom has been gone for 13 years. We have not decorated in 13 years. We were all in a bad place with Christmas, but now I'm like, I'm going to change that. We're going to make it different. We're going to.

Robb (: 34:43

Wow.

Robb (: 34:47

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 34:52

This is about me being happy at Christmas time. This is about us having a good time. if I'm not having a good time, Christmas isn't all that great around here. I realized that it does take a woman to come in and do whatever they got to do for the holidays for things to be good in my family. Otherwise just nothing gets done and nothing seems to be happy. And we just all try to get through it. But I'm at the point where I'm like, I don't want to just get through it. I want to live.

Robb (: 35:01

Right.

Tina (: 35:21

I want to enjoy it. want to take it back, make it my own, and go from there. And I remember the first Christmas too. I left at about 4.35 o'clock after my brother took the kids to their mom's house. I went and saw a movie with a friend that didn't celebrate Christmas. You know how much fun that was to do? Like, I don't have to be there at Christmas. Like, I just left and I'm at the movies with my popcorn and my feet up and I don't give a shit.

Robb (: 35:41

Right.

Robb (: 35:50

Right.

Tina (: 35:51

Everybody lives like nobody died because I wasn't there nothing nothing went on and it felt good. So You need to find a way to make your life good because you're the only one that could do it

Robb (: 35:54

Right.

Robb (: 36:04

Yeah, it was funny because I was, my family is all out of state now. So I got invited to go to Thanksgiving by my friend. And she's like, if we do Thanksgiving, you can come with me. And I was like, awesome, that would be fun. And then it ends up all her family is going to Arizona. So.

I was super bummed. I was just like, bummer. For a lot of different reasons. I wanted to meet her sisters and I wanted to meet some of her family just because I've heard lots of stories about him. I want to put the names and faces to the attitudes that I've been told, which would be a lot of fun.

But unfortunately they're leaving the state. So I was kind of bummed out and I was telling her the other night, go, look, if you're not gonna do anything on Thanksgiving, I'm not either. go, if we can find a, we'll find a food place, order food and we'll just do our own little thing for a little while and then I can leave you alone. Cause she works the next day. And she's like, well, we'll see what happens. I'm like, all right, cool. You know, whatever. But she's also just not up for the holidays. And I think even Christmas, she said for the first time, she doesn't think she's gonna put her tree up. She's just.

Not there. And I get that the first couple of years I after I didn't put my tree up. I remember I didn't buy a tree until I moved where I move now. So and I told my son, I go, I don't know if I'm to put the tree up this year and he's like, let's put it up. So I'm going go out into the shed and I'm going to bring it in tomorrow and I'm going say, OK, you want to work, you can set it up. Let him do it. I mean, you know, it's a fake tree, it doesn't take it's like it's and it's a quick one.

Tina (: 37:26

Yeah.

Tina (: 37:41

Let him do it if he's into it. Let him have it

Robb (: 37:46

Like it's one of the lights actually stay on it. Like you just go, like you put it down and it unfolds and like you, you make a few things and then you plug it in. Like it's really simple.

Tina (: 37:49

Nice.

Tina (: 37:57

God, kids have it so easy. Like I said, it takes us four days to set up all mom's things. And if you don't have those lights right, my God, it's the worst.

Robb (: 38:05

yeah. So I think part of these things with self-love is it is an important thing to love yourself for a lot of different reasons. And I'm sure we could come up with a million different reasons why. But I think the biggest one is it's just a way to be healthy for yourself, right? Our brains will drown us.

Tina (: 38:27

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 38:33

very, very quickly. And you can find yourself in a dark hole very, very quickly. And I have. not that I've, you know, like we, I talked to my kid one day about, cause we were watching something about people who think about killing themselves. And I was like, have you ever thought about it? And goes, of course I have. And he asked me, and I go, yeah, of course I have. And we all have thought about it. And he goes, but I'd never do it. And I go, no, no, me either. But there is those thoughts and they're intrusive.

Tina (: 38:35

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 39:03

Intrusive thoughts can take you in lots of different directions. So, my thing with self-love is to just find something that keeps you moving in the right direction and whatever it is, you can call it hope, you can call it this or that. I think now going to church, see, you know, like I said, my biggest thing with church now is I'll tell you that I've seen things in the last couple of years that have very much pushed me to God.

Tina (: 39:07

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 39:33

there's a higher power, there's something bigger than us. But I'm sure it is. And I'm sure my friend down the street seems to think the same because when I first met her, was years ago and you know how I was. But I think that those are the things and she kind of says something to me one day that she goes, look, even on my bad days, I have a roof over my head.

Tina (: 39:35

That's so crazy. I mean, I agree with you, but it's just so crazy hearing you say this. I'm like, yay.

Robb (: 40:01

I have food, I have a job. And she goes, I try to find self-love in those little things. And I said, yes, those are incredibly things to look at. But I think you also have to look deeper into who you really are. And.

Tina (: 40:18

Also, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to cut you off. Go ahead.

Robb (: 40:23

I think that that's important. We have to see, as much as people may shit on you, you have to realize that you're still a good person.

Tina (: 40:34

And you don't need to add to it either.

Robb (: 40:37

No, because again, you can drown yourself. And look, we all have tendencies. We're not 100 % good, and we're not a, I mean, there are shitty people, but most of us are 90 % good and just 10 % bad day or bad environment or something bad in our life has happened and you're battling that. And look, you're gonna battle things like that for the rest of your life.

Tina (: 40:39

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 41:01

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 41:07

We've talked about that, like healing is a hard journey, very, very hard journey. And I don't believe that you're ever fully healed, but I do believe that people can help you along your healing journey. So don't be afraid to do that.

Tina (: 41:11

Yeah, yeah.

Tina (: 41:23

Mm-hmm you You're right you talked about People not especially women. I've noticed having a problem with how they look I've been heavy my whole life I've been not only heavy, but I was always the tallest girl out of all my friends and the biggest and probably the most opinionated and

But I also had a lot of friends and I had a lot of fun. Like I made life fun. I wasn't one to sit and wallow for very long because that's just not fun to me. It's not who I am. But over the years, I've come to realize that...

When I was a teenager, I did not like myself because of my size. And it really bothered me. I didn't think anybody would love me. I didn't think I'd have a prom date. I didn't think that, you know, all these things. And and.

All of the things that I thought were not true. I did have a prom date. I did have a boyfriend. Well, I had a few boyfriends all through high school and out of high school. I got married. I did everything that people in society would say your size would keep you from. But.

The one thing that I didn't do was beat myself up if I'm the size I am now I'm gonna get up I'm gonna try to be the best person they can be to myself And I'm just gonna not worry about it if I'm not worried about it, then the next person's not gonna see it They're not gonna worry about it either and I really have come a long way in that struggle of of not like I mean now we're getting old and the boobs don't stay the same place and the ass isn't going where it needs to be and you know your skin starting to look a little less smooth and

Tina (: 43:15

Life is...

Life is about teaching you you need to just be happy with whatever it is. You look like because there's no fixing that I mean you could go and have plastic surgery You could go on a diet and take the ozempic or do whatever but that that Ugly that is inside of you because you don't like who you are It's still gonna exist because you're never gonna be perfect. Perfect is a facade. It doesn't exist You know and and I think that people strive for perfection in their looks

Robb (: 43:23

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 43:46

a lot especially women and I'm like wow you're missing the mark. I had a friend that was bigger than I was she was short but she was bigger than I was and that girl got more booty than any skinny girl I've ever seen in my life but here's the thing she had a good attitude she if she was insecure about the way she looked she didn't she didn't let it show she was always like fun and bubbly and on a mission to have a good time and she was a big flirt.

and man she just she just used what she had and and did what she needed to do to be happy and and she thrived

And I was so grateful to have that friend in my life because she taught me to be the same way. Because you know, truth of the matter is not everybody wants a twig. Truth of the matter is not everyone wants a short woman. Truth of the matter is that not everybody wants a little waifu woman that agrees with them. You know, everybody likes some, especially in this day and age, I think it's probably better than ever. Like even now in dating, young guys want to date me. And I'm like, I'm not a sugar mama, I don't need your money, but I

your attitude. So I'm like huh there's something to this like now is the time that you could be whatever you want to and it's just a matter of deciding that you are and not worrying about the fact that you're not perfect because perfect is boring.

Robb (: 45:08

For sure.

Robb (: 45:15

Look, the outside is great. It's, look, my friend down the street, I think she's absolutely stunning. Even though she doesn't. But at the end of the day, her inside, her brain turns me on immensely more. Because that's something that will never change. These are things that, that I like her for her. She's

Tina (: 45:21

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 45:32

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 45:44

baddie sometimes, she can be rude, she says fuck like it's the thing to do. those are things, yes, and that's what I find beautiful about her, that she is something more than just the outside. And look, I would lie to tell you that she's not pretty, that's for me, or at least she's pretty to me, I guess that's the better way of putting it. But at the end of the day, you know,

Tina (: 45:50

It is the thing to do, but...

Tina (: 45:56

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 46:13

Not that I don't think that I'm somewhat handsome, but I think my inside is way better. Right? My heart and my brain are way better than anything else. And I think that's the same with her. And I think that as we mature and men do it way later, we don't realize that that's really what we're looking for. And the self love should be, I have a great personality and I'm a good person inside. that's what...

Tina (: 46:28

Thank

Robb (: 46:43

attracts, you know, the bees to the honey. And if we could all really see that our insides are what really attract our self love would be way larger.

Tina (: 46:47

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 46:57

You gotta find...

the good in you, no matter what it is. And perfect is not all that great. I mean, I've seen perfect people and you could throw a coin at them and they won't, they won't, still won't get it. You know, they're there, but their brain, they put nothing in inside. So I think it's better to let yourself off the hook, be as healthy as you can, but truly look at being happy and healthy minded.

so important and it's and it doesn't matter if the guy doesn't want you or if the guy was a jerk to you or or if the girl was you know like not giving you what you need like you could find something to be happy with every single day and you should you need to it's so important to find a happy place where your brain could go to just be healthy

Robb (: 47:56

Yep, agree. And once you realize that you're good inside, the person that you're going to attract or the person that likes you, you're gonna find that they are probably the person for you. You just never unlocked that door. And there's a lot to that. You have to be willing to fight out for your own self-love. Like there's...

Tina (: 48:15

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 48:25

There's a lot going on in the world and you can't be trapped by that. Like, look, you could be a mother of three and single and remember that life's gonna be okay and things are gonna get better and you're gonna find somebody that's gonna love you for who you are.

Tina (: 48:39

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 48:40

That's the reality, but you have to believe that yourself and no different than the person who's been hurt their whole life and doesn't think that they deserve love. They do deserve love. You just have to realize it when the person who's in front of you wanting to give it to you is willing to give it to you. So, and I think that's for all of us. Look, it's hard. It's not an easy thing to love yourself and...

I think all our listeners out there need to slowly daily go, I'm a good person. I'm a good person and I'm a good person and things are going to get better and you're going to realize that that before you know it, you're you're walking on the clouds and getting through the day much, much better.

Tina (: 49:27

Mm-hmm because you you don't realize when you start to change your inner dialogue That you're that everything in your brain and on the outside of you starts to change, too You don't notice it as you're doing it, but all of a sudden just be like wow I'm out of what I was in and now life isn't that bad

Robb (: 49:42

Yeah.

Robb (: 49:45

And then I think you realize everyone around you sees it. And it's funny, I think when everyone around you sees it, you see the real people who love you and the people who were just hanging on for whatever reason, they find their way out because misery loves company. And when you're happy, the people who love you come rushing because they also want you to be happy. So it's an amazing thing. I just hope that...

Tina (: 49:48

Mm-hmm. for sure.

Tina (: 50:02

man, does it ever.

Tina (: 50:10

Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

Robb (: 50:15

that the people out there, know, whatever it takes, therapy, talking with your friends and family, whatever. Just try to find the positives in your day. Even if it's one little small victory, I think there's a lot to that.

Tina (: 50:32

Absolutely.

Robb (: 50:33

All right, teenagers, anything else for this week?

Tina (: 50:36

Be kind to yourself.

Robb (: 50:37

Yes, be kind to yourself. The holidays are coming. And enjoy. All right. Until next week, we're on a Wednesday's. You can find us on the social medias and the every place you can listen to podcasts. We're everywhere. We're on everything you can think of. And it's an opinion show. Don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. For Tina, I'm Rob. We'll see you in a week. Bye.

Tina (: 50:41

No.

Tina (: 51:07

See ya.