EP # 189 The art of communication in love and friendship.

Robb (: 00:01

And welcome to another show. Don't get this twisted. I am Rob along with my co-host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina? Yeah, and it's only Monday for those people listening at home that, you think. You know, and it's funny because they're going to be hearing this Wednesday, so they're like, yeah, it's already been a week. It's halfway through. No, it's it's only Monday for us. Yeah. Right, but.

Tina (: 00:06

I'm hanging in there Rob, but it's been a rough week.

This whole last week was rough though.

Tina (: 00:22

And now we're talking about this before the one this last week this whole like last month.

Robb (: 00:30

Yeah, I will definitely say the last couple of weeks have been, have been fun. Yeah, they've been a lot. Yes, exactly. On a lot of different levels, on a lot of, You know, like we were talking off air, like Mother's Day was obviously, is always something for people who have lost their mom. So,

Tina (: 00:36

A lot, yeah.

Tina (: 00:41

Yes.

Tina (: 00:53

and it doesn't seem to matter how much time. Like I was talking to a friend that lost their mom 25 years and it still felt like it was really fresh. My mom has been almost 14 and it wasn't that bad. I was just like, well, it's just like any other day because I don't have a mom and I'm not acting in my child's life as a mother currently. So there's no mom-ness over here. Let's go do what we're going to do and have fun.

Robb (: 00:57

Mm-hmm. The first one was.

Tina (: 01:19

But then, you know, I thought about you and the first Mother's Day and my friend the first Mother's Day.

Robb (: 01:27

Definitely hard last year. This was my third now and to me much easier, but I also have a Weird look at death like it's death. My mom's gone. Like I remember great things But I try not to sit and go man like he's dead. Well, yeah, but I Really kind of look at it now from the standpoint of like hey, you know

Tina (: 01:40

Yeah.

Robb (: 01:54

I saw a picture of her and I was like, yeah, it's like, I miss my mom, but I remember the good points now. I don't think it's ever going to be easy, because it's, you your parent is gone. So, but it's definitely for me, it's, I look at it differently. You know, I try to look at it, you you better live too, Rob. Because we don't. There was a...

Tina (: 02:07

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 02:13

Absolutely.

Tina (: 02:18

Absolutely.

Robb (: 02:22

Pro wrestler who died yesterday. He was 60 years old. He just had his last match three weeks ago So it's like yeah like life is quick death is chasing us live and You know Yeah, have a good time and on that, you know we were talking about like things we should talk about and Communication came up and I think communication

Tina (: 02:39

Live, live, live, live, Yeah.

Robb (: 02:52

is a lost art for one. Both in relationships, friendships, family, pretty much everywhere, communication is difficult. Because, well, no one wants to hurt each other. But that being said, yeah, I've mostly over the last

Tina (: 03:12

hurt each other they don't open up a of worms and let it all out at once.

Robb (: 03:21

couple of months, I've had very different altercations with different people in my life from different kinds of relationships. Where some people aren't forward enough because they have a good heart but they really just don't want to hurt you. And then I have people in my life that are so straightforward that they say things to you

and you kind of have to giggle because you just already knew the situ- well you already knew the situation but they had to put a nice cherry on top of it and remind you and you're like, wait a second like, am I- I guess I'm getting used? But in a good way? I mean just kind of an interesting thing where you're like, and I kind of shook my head and was like, yeah you don't have to

Tina (: 03:56

what they were going to say.

Robb (: 04:18

me if that I already knew. And, and they were like, I just wanted to remind you, you didn't have to. But then there's other people in my life that, you know, and, you know, they're good folks and I know they mean well 99 % of the time, but it's hard because people don't want to hurt your feelings. And I guess I'm just at a different time in my life that I would rather you just

be very, very straightforward with me and just go, nah, like going forward dating. I've already told people that I've gone on dates with. If you're not interested, just tell me. Because I'll bug you a lot, because if I if I'm into you and I felt that there might be something there, I'm going to continue to ask you out. I would rather have someone just go, yeah, you're cool, but you're not for me.

Tina (: 05:01

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 05:17

Because I'd go cool, that's good luck. that's so then I'm not chasing you for seven years. You know what I mean? Like just be frank, you know, some people aren't for I'm and I'm an odd cat. So I already know that. So I'm OK with someone going. Yeah, you're probably not for me. I'd go cool. And and going forward, I'm going to do that to people and I'm probably going to hurt some people's feelings. But I

I don't want to fuck around anymore. Why? If you're not into me that way. And again, these people could all be friends because I've met some cool people that I could be like, yeah, I could totally hang out with you and have absolutely no sexual tension at all. So and again, that's that's also a good thing to have. So communication, I know.

without getting into too deep to shit. I'll kind of throw it to you because I think that you've had this in the past, present as well probably. So I think it's, how do you, how do you communicate with people? Are you very straightforward? Are you, and again, and I'm gonna use the word hurtful and I don't mean it in the

sense that you're doing it Right.

Tina (: 06:47

No, I'm very straightforward. I have a hard time not saying what I mean and meaning what I say and I have a hard time being around people that aren't like that. So when somebody tells me, for instance, yeah, let's go on Thursday. I'm ready to go on Thursday. Like I know that that has to happen. If you don't say something to me, then it's all up for negotiation and I'll just let it go where it may, but

Robb (: 07:14

You

Tina (: 07:17

I have a hard time dealing with people that are not direct. Because not that I need direct, I just want them, again, to mean what they say and say what they mean. I take people very literally. I take them at their word until they prove otherwise. And I also am the same way. Like, if I say I'm going to do something with you, I'm going to do it. If I...

if I need something from you, I'm going to be very direct. And you know, I've been told as a recent recently that when I'm making plans, I will say it two or three times, like the same thing. But I say it two or three times because I heard that once it's said three times, you'll have it in your head. I studied like that. Like I would repeat and repeat and repeat so that I would remember things. So I know it works. It's effective because I do.

Robb (: 07:54

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 08:09

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 08:15

it to all my friends all the time and they actually like it because they know exactly what my expectations are because I talk about them freely and openly and like will this work for you is that gonna work for you let's do this let's do that but um this weekend I actually got in two arguments one that

Robb (: 08:22

You

Tina (: 08:43

that I...

One that I started on accident, drank a little too much on Friday, smoked a little on Friday, and then yeah, and then got a phone call and decided that I should actually say whatever I was thinking during somebody else's time of being kind of vulnerable, and it came out shitty. And I felt bad, and I tried to reel it back in, and I tried to like, and I apologize, I was like, look, I'm

Robb (: 08:52

Mm-hmm. Wow.

Tina (: 09:16

This is not you. This is me. I'm I'm even having a hard time communicating right now But I started a fight that that didn't It wasn't necessary It wasn't necessary and I'm trying to The whole time I was saying I'm sorry. I'm an asshole, but I couldn't I couldn't get out of the the conversation after that

Robb (: 09:27

Okay. But you did you realize it then or did you realize it after?

Robb (: 09:41

No, and I totally understand that. I'm kind of the same way, where once I'm in that zone, I'm...

Tina (: 09:45

You

Robb (: 09:48

I'm very hard to get out of it. Okay.

Tina (: 09:52

Well, for me it was like...

I need you to hear one thing. You get that this affects me too, right? Like I was trying to get that point across, but probably the timing was wrong and the audience wasn't ready to hear it. And I knew that. And so when I did it, was just kind of made a shitty situation that they took on. You know, we, we, we made up, we talked through it. I apologize profusely because when I am wrong, I don't want to, I don't want people to feel

bad that's never my intention because if I'll if I want to deal with them I never want them to feel bad if I don't want to deal with somebody or I don't have any friendship with them and they want to come at me they're gonna get a totally different person but if it's somebody that I care about I'm not trying to hurt them

Robb (: 10:35

Right.

Tina (: 10:42

And in the process I did and it carried on to a weekend that put on other stuff that was going on in their life really made them feel down. And I don't want people to feel like that from me and I couldn't damn it that Friday was just a hard day for me to communicate. The other situation I was in it was like no I'm tired of this. I'm going to.

I need to speak up. And when I spoke up, again, I didn't do it to where I was going to get some...

Tina (: 11:19

Crap.

I was just a bitch. Let's just be honest. was like, no, everything you say, I'm going to counter it. This is going to be an argument to argue. And it wasn't a conversation to, to, make things better. And it so frustrating because I'm like, you know better, Tina, why are you acting like that? But sometimes I feel like I don't stick up for myself enough and I need to. And, because I don't stick up for myself enough, I kind of get

Robb (: 11:24

Right.

Robb (: 11:42

you

Tina (: 11:51

get like bulldozed a little bit and yeah I didn't have that because I I kind of went off and it was a big argument that still isn't fixed and I don't like that either.

Robb (: 12:07

Yeah, that's the most difficult part is when something happens and you're put in this position and look long I'm kind of like you long run. I don't want things to be shitty. Short term.

Tina (: 12:25

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 12:30

If someone is hurt, it's going to be. That's just part of the process. Someone's going to be hurt and it's gonna happen. And like I've told you before and on this podcast several times, I just distance myself. I just disappear. I go away. And again, probably not the best idea.

Tina (: 12:34

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 12:57

And I know that and I'm doing my best to work on it but if it's somebody that you have a romantic relationship with or have in the past and was trying to do that again and then things fall apart for whatever reasons it's difficult because you find yourself looking at this person like not just a friend.

Tina (: 13:22

Mm-hmm your relationships when you've had one or you're currently having one with them you have to communicate differently than you would in any other type of relationship because When you're in love or when you love somebody and they love you back Your your heart is wide open Your heart is open to the point where it doesn't take much to hurt them

Robb (: 13:45

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 13:47

And it's because they're allowing themselves to be vulnerable with you in hopes that you care for their heart. Now, it's impossible to be 100 % all the time. They're gonna get hurt. Something's gonna be said. They're gonna take it wrong. You're gonna take it wrong. Something's gonna not gel. And when that happens, there's gonna be arguments. But...

Robb (: 14:08

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 14:13

you gotta find a way. If you want communication to work, have to find a way to make it work. And I always say to my friends, if somebody doesn't understand you, you're the one that's not communicating effectively. You need to know your audience. You need to figure out a way to get somebody to hear you. And in turn, if somebody's talking to you and you're not getting it.

It's their responsibility to find a different way of telling you so that you could understand. But at some point, there needs to be some understanding. It can't be like, I hear women talk so badly, so poorly to their mates, to the point where it's domestic. It's...

Robb (: 14:41

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 15:05

I'm escalating.

Tina (: 15:07

emasculating. It was not coming out. And when that happens, you're not anything but evil.

You know, if you're doing that to a man that you love and he's open and he's trying to love you and he's trying to be what he can and you do that, you're absolutely evil. At what point do you watch out for his heart? And I think that that's how it needs to be. Like you both have to work on watching out for each other's hearts. And if you're not doing that, you're hurting them.

Robb (: 15:18

Yes.

No, I mean, in some cases you're just making a villain. You know, and again, there's, there's.

Tina (: 15:44

And it's not, it's not gonna make your relationship better. It's just not.

Tina (: 15:55

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Robb (: 16:02

levels of relationship obviously in a long-term relationship if you keep emasculating your mate it's just going to turn sour very quickly and then once it's sour after a long period of time there's no fixing it

Tina (: 16:16

Well how long can you beat a dog before a dog just cowers at you? Doesn't want to wag its tail, doesn't want to eat if you call it, doesn't want to come inside. you know, as women you need to be the soft part of a man's life. But still be strong. Like you could be strong, you could still run the whole house, do whatever you gotta do. But he's gotta have a soft place to land. And if you're not allowing him to land anywhere...

He's just not gonna be close. You're not gonna get what you need out of him.

Robb (: 16:50

Mm-hmm

This is what this is why when I try to explain to people like when they go, so what are you looking for? And I go peace. And they're like, what do you mean? Peace has to be a place you want to come home to. That's that's what most men are looking for. The communication part is a very difficult thing. I'll give you an example. At least in my case, I would rather be have you break me than give me little bits of food.

Tina (: 16:58

Yeah.

Robb (: 17:21

You know, it's you can't say you only want to be friends and then kiss me when we go do something. You. It's just confusing. It's just confusing.

Tina (: 17:32

Right? You can't be in one minute and out the other. That's playing you like a yo-yo and that's not fair. And I've personally seen people have done that in your world and it kinda pisses me off. Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 17:49

And again, you know, look, we all see things we want to. To be fair, you know, I don't want to totally put it on another person, but you can't again, you can't say, hey, let's be friends and then send a video of you in front of a mirror or send a picture of you in a bra or and it's like, look, I understand that you're comfortable with me and it's awesome, but I'm not your gay friend.

Tina (: 17:54

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 18:16

And here's the other problem, you know I'm not. So if you're looking... But I also think it's... And look, I think women do a lot of things to get their own information. Don't get me wrong, like, you know, there's something in it for everyone, right?

Tina (: 18:17

Right?

Tina (: 18:21

Right? No, when somebody's doing that, they're playing you like a yo-yo. Let's just be honest. They know they're doing it, and they're doing it.

Tina (: 18:40

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 18:46

for sure.

Robb (: 18:47

And again, if you want to feel better about yourself and you know that the person likes you, they're going to say good things about you. And I'm not saying that that's why this was done and this has happened before. I remember in the past being told like, look, I can't do this anymore, blah, blah, blah. And then literally getting a picture from them in a hallway in a bra and panties. And I was like, what are you doing?

Tina (: 18:53

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 19:12

Mmm.

Robb (: 19:14

It's like just because you're comfortable with me doesn't mean you should do it. And again, like it's communication. Like again, I'd rather you tell me, but then people are like, I don't want to lose you as a friend. It's like you understand at some point you have to pick because some people I will never look at them as just a friend. I just won't. That's not how I see you. It's not, it's not a knock.

It's not anything. It's in my head. I don't want to just be your friend. I'll never look at you that way. And it's it's unfortunate, but that's just how it is. And then there's some people that no matter what you do, you're only going to see them as a friend. That's the other part. I'm sure I've hurt people's feelings in my past. Matter of fact, I know for a fact I have with without a doubt. You know, I had to tell somebody and again.

Tina (: 19:52

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 20:12

They lived very far away and they had some They had a version of me from when I was a child and they thought I was the same person and I had to you know Say look, I'm not that person anymore. It's great. We You know what we did in the past was awesome, but I was also 17 So and you don't know me I've lived a different life since then, you know, blah blah blah. So I've hurt people's feelings and it's not

It's not something that I'm proud of, but I will tell you that I felt better telling them that way. For myself.

Tina (: 20:51

I think it's important to try to be as honest as you can in all aspects of your life.

The thing is or the thing that catches people up is how to say it or how to do it and and it's really hard even being like Like you said honest and blunt that's one of the hardest things to be because you don't want to hurt somebody and you don't want them to see you as as this horrible person for For saying what it is they're thinking but on the flip side You should have already and known what they were thinking like people that tell you

stuff like that are normally pretty honest you'll get the answers you want as you're going through it at least that's how it is with me I I tell it like I'm thinking it all the time and there doesn't need to be there normally isn't any

Robb (: 21:35

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 21:43

Right.

Tina (: 21:53

You normally get me like When I speak I speak to be understood and I work very hard to be understood and I find even Excuse me with my ex-husband. I had to learn his language because Me being a hairdresser and him being an engineer our brains were totally freaking separate There was nothing that was the same about it but I had to learn if I wanted to get my point across and effectively be communicating with

Robb (: 22:13

Yeah. Correct.

Tina (: 22:23

him, I had to learn a way to communicate that he got. And that's what I'm saying, that we all need to work on being more honest and genuine with each other, especially when we're trying to have a relationship, of course. But on the other side, we got to find a way to say it without completely hurting a person. And I know that sometimes I struggle with that.

Robb (: 22:38

Mm-hmm. Right.

Tina (: 22:51

Not that I don't think I'm right when I say what I am. totally do. But there should be a way of doing it without anybody getting hurt.

Robb (: 22:59

Yeah, I think that they're look I had told somebody before I liked this person a lot and I had told them I said look if you start dating someone else other than me I cannot be in your life anymore

And I said, it's because of this. And I said, as soon as I find out, I'll, have to go away. And, and I don't think that, and I think they understood, but I just, it's like, just tell me. And when they finally told me they were dating somebody, it was really funny because they're, she, she went, look, I just have to tell you I'm dating somebody. And I was like, I already know.

And she's like, well, how do you already know? You must have drove by my house. I go, I didn't have to. I already know who you are. I started realizing you change two, three weeks ago. I just didn't say anything. And it was funny because I was like, you did this and you did this and then you said this. And they were just like, well, you know, I said, look, I'm fine with it. And I said, I have to get out of your life. And it wasn't just for me. I think it's for everyone involved.

Tina (: 23:47

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 24:11

Do you do how are you going to explain to a guy that you're dating now that you have a male friend Are you gonna tell him that I like you you're tell him that I more than like you How's that gonna go over it's gonna go over like a fucking lead balloon So I would rather not be involved in that and Let you go live and you know more power to you. It doesn't mean I love her any less. It just means that

Tina (: 24:11

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 24:30

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 24:40

you know, life goes on. But I think out of this, I realized that I'm not anyone's second. And I think that that's important. I think, and I do agree with you that sometimes making someone understand how you feel is you do have to talk to them in their language. My friend in North Carolina was also married to an engineer. And

Tina (: 24:43

Absolutely.

Tina (: 24:48

Right.

Tina (: 25:07

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 25:09

Talking to her about that was a very interesting experience. Because she said kind of the same thing you just said. Everything had to be literally drawn out and like, this is the way it is and this is the way it is. wasn't, you know, or him understanding their daughter. He just couldn't understand feelings.

Tina (: 25:16

Hmm.

Robb (: 25:36

because the feelings didn't make sense. It wasn't a fucking an equation. And yeah, I've heard you say the same thing. for the first time for a while, I was like, wow, like, and she explained it to me, like literally everything had to be a math equation and it had to have an answer and it had to make sense. And I was like, but feelings don't make sense. Like that.

Tina (: 25:43

Yes. Been there.

Robb (: 26:05

And she goes, that's why we're divorced. And I was like, I get it. That was the equation. You're right. Your equation is five plus one equals 12.

Tina (: 26:18

Mm-hmm Well, he described it like this that he heard it this way that a man when he thinks He thinks straight. He thinks very linear point a point B. That's how men think

When women are thinking they'll start at point A they're doing circles around point B They're they're skid marking through a CD and eat like they're just they their way of thinking or their way of processing stuff is so random and so all over the place that That to an intellectual mind like an engineer They can't see it. I mean even though women go all they flip-flop go this way and that they'll end up

Robb (: 27:03

Right, I think, and again, this is no knock at women, because I'm sure what I'm about to say is going to ruffle some feathers, but I truly believe it. Men think logically. So

Tina (: 27:03

up at B, but their emotions took them on this like roller coaster ride to get there.

Tina (: 27:19

you

Tina (: 27:24

and women think emotionally. Yeah, no, it's true. mean, hormone-wise, we can't think all logically. know, women aren't supposed to be logical. They're supposed to be emotional. They're supposed to be soft. They're supposed to be hard. They're supposed to be a lot of things that men aren't supposed to be. You know?

Robb (: 27:24

That's Correct. I think, like you said, we look at, again, we would look at

a pail of water on a roof and go, we need a ladder. A woman might look at it and go, well, how am going to get on the roof if I, you know, if I go over here and hop on the fence and get the tree and go across, you know, instead of just going, get the fucking ladder. So and again, that's no knock. You're right. We're different. We are different creatures in the best way possible. Thank goodness, because I don't want.

Tina (: 28:14

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 28:18

Absolutely.

Robb (: 28:22

I don't want a woman who thinks like a man. Who the fuck wants that? yeah, I don't want that. I, look, I've, you start looking at the people that we've liked in the past. And sometimes you gotta realize like, that wasn't right for me. Or maybe this wouldn't have ended up all right because I'm this way.

Tina (: 28:27

Yeah, there's that too. I mean it could be worse.

Tina (: 28:51

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 28:51

Like I'm a certain way and I need to be with somebody a certain way and you know, whatever it is. So yes, I think communication with somebody is difficult enough, but then them not understanding it is a whole nother level. And when do you give up on that? When do you give in and go, okay, like I've told you three different ways

and you didn't get it, now if you didn't say straightforwardly, that's on you as well. Again, I'd rather hear, I don't wanna be with you that way, it's better that we're not friends. Or it's better that we'll only be friends and then the ball is in your court. My thing is that, I think you have to be fair enough to the people in your life to throw the ball back into their court and go, now it's on you to tell me,

what to do or where to go or because this is I'm to throw out all this shit on the floor and it's up to you to understand it and if you don't ask me a question to make me make you understand because you look there's so many speed bumps things in the road that make a relationship work

or not work. And if you're saying this is what I want and the other person is like iffy or not sure or, know, my favorite one is I'm not ready for a relationship and then two weeks later they're in one. It's like, well no, you just didn't want to be in a relationship with me. And I'd rather hear, yeah, and look, that happens to a lot of people. This isn't like,

Tina (: 30:37

Yeah.

and weren't being honest.

Robb (: 30:48

It's not that I'm pointing a finger at anybody. That's just reality. I saw a meme not too long after that happened to me. It was like, yeah, you're right. But people don't want to hurt people. And I get it. I hate hurting people's feelings. But at the end of the... It does long run.

Tina (: 31:05

Yeah, but you know what? think that not being truthful hurts more. If you're not... Yeah, if you're not being honest from the get.

Robb (: 31:14

Yeah, well, and what's even worse is what's worse is if you have that relationship with somebody that you

Tina (: 31:16

then why bother being with that person? The whole point of being in a relationship is being with somebody that you can be honest with, that you can have good communication, that has your back, that makes you feel it's like it's okay to be vulnerable. If you can't be with somebody like that, it's not gonna work for very long. I mean, unless you wanna be roommates. You know, if you wanna have a...

Robb (: 31:43

You have been vulnerable and you have talked about everything and and you're still pushing towards that and only one person is pushing towards it. You know, and again, like look, I don't want to down anybody because I've been in. You know other kind of situationships before that that you know lead into the same kind of shit that I've I've always heard that I always want people that I can't have. Which is an interesting take and.

Tina (: 31:53

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 32:13

And, you know, look, no one goes into that, into that going, man, I sure like this girl who's with somebody that no one does that or no one, you know, picks a guy going, well, I know he's got a wife, but I'm going to do this. No one purposely does that. Feelings like feelings are weird, but we've talked about it before. Love is not feelings. It's a choice.

You make the decision to be with who you're going to be with or who you're going to like and if you make that decision, you're not going to change that decision. That's who you are or how you see it. At least that's how I am. And and look you you have to be okay with that. As a person, like I said, I just think that now I'm I've kind of told myself like look, I'll never be a second. Ever.

Tina (: 33:09

You shouldn't.

Robb (: 33:10

Yeah, and but I I think that we all think like that like I'm not but now I really look at myself as I'm not a second to anyone ever If you don't like me or don't want me cool say it so I can go be number one for somebody else And that's fine Yeah, and look to be fair. I've strung myself along on several things several times

Tina (: 33:29

Yeah, not being strung along.

Tina (: 33:37

Yeah, but you did, but you didn't. It wasn't all you. Let's just be honest, you were strung on for a long time.

Robb (: 33:38

No I think that there were there were definitely feelings there on both sides I don't and again, I'm not gonna down her but because I don't think that's fair I There's there's there's several hers Yeah Yeah, I think

Tina (: 33:50

Yeah.

Tina (: 33:57

Well, there's more than one her though, too.

Yeah, so I'm not downing anyone in particular. I'm just getting at the masses. No, I'm kidding. I'm kidding. I couldn't help them.

Robb (: 34:09

We're we're using the bell curve, right? There's there's outliers, but I mean so to be fair like that I think that there was feelings or and maybe Someone wanted to see if they were there again and and they maybe I got them and she didn't and But I wish it would just have been like very straightforward like look this isn't gonna happen It's it and I understand that if you don't want to be around me cool

But we did have a good friendship and and we did talk about life and other things and that's awesome. So. But I think, you know, like your case is different like you. You're in a different thing where you're trying to say something to someone and they're. Hearing it, but not understanding it. There's a difference. Well.

Tina (: 35:02

Yeah, or they don't want to accept it.

Robb (: 35:06

Accepting is a big thing. mean, I was... Well, I just think accepting the reality. Like, I was a second in a relationship that I think, you know, they didn't want to believe it and then ended up meeting somebody to get out of it when I could have been the fix from the beginning. So, but...

Tina (: 35:08

Yeah, well even accepting that I said anything though.

Right.

Robb (: 35:35

You know, look, I've been around somebody who, again, I talked about her all the time. She was in a 17 year marriage and was miserable. For 17 years. And then finally it took it took something very harsh to get her out of it. And I think I know she's doing OK, because I see I see like her updates. So I think she's doing well, but I'm not sure she's dating anyone. But, you know, look.

Tina (: 35:58

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 36:04

Relationships can damage you immensely. Immensely to the point where you may not want to do one ever again. And more power to you. I mean, I don't think that I've been that hurt. I think that there's... I think that there's something to that. I think the thing that you're in...

or the people that you know that are in this weird, you know, situation are just scared because it is it's a rough situation and and once you make that decision it's final right and and it's hard we've been there it's it's hard and and i and i know other people who've

Tina (: 36:50

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 37:00

been in that situation twice and are very iffy about marriage again. Right, which I would probably do it again, but it's going to have to be a very nice storm.

Tina (: 37:08

I love that people want to get married. I love that they want to make it work. I don't want to do that again.

Tina (: 37:24

Yeah, no, I don't know. I don't want to do that. There's like where I could say that I didn't feel like our divorce was that bad because we didn't fight and we're still good friends now. But it was still it hurt so much that it was bad to the point of I don't want to get married again because I don't want to ever go through that again. So.

Again, that's a woman in her nonlinear way of thinking but Yeah, I don't I don't know the hurt doesn't I Could live with somebody I could love somebody I could cherish them forever never cheat on them I could be that to them, but do I really need that piece of paper? I don't

Robb (: 38:08

Yeah, I mean, I don't need it either. I just think that I'm a believer too that if you, you know, I'm just traditionalist. I love the idea that if you're really in love with somebody that you

You change your life, but you know look we how many fucking years we got left You know what I mean like I I'm Everywhere I think everywhere everywhere

Tina (: 38:25

Right? Well, and I also think that by by being a woman in California, like, you know, women don't really have much to lose. Men have way more to lose than women do in most situations. And yeah, everywhere. And so for me, it's like, why would I want to put somebody in that place? Also.

Robb (: 38:48

Well, I agree. I just talked to somebody, you know, and I have a big mouth. So even on dates, I say crazy shit. But I was talking to somebody. No, I say some crazy shit. But I was talking and like, look, when you're talking to somebody, I hate to say, well, if it's you, but you're talking to somebody that that you're trying to court. So you're going to go, I'm going to use you in this situation. And it's maybe I shouldn't say that, but.

Tina (: 38:57

No.

Robb (: 39:13

Like for me, mostly now, and I've said it to other people, like if I got into a relationship now and I was gonna get married, if I'm not getting married for love, then why fucking do it? So, and I told somebody and I said, look, if I was to marry you, the first thing I would do is I'd sign a prenup. Because some of these women have houses. And I'd go, I don't want your fucking house. I don't care.

Tina (: 39:36

Hmm.

Robb (: 39:42

I just don't like that. That's something that's so insignificant to me. And maybe just because my marriage was easy. I don't if I did it again and I want it out, I want to get out fucking easy, I don't want your house. I don't want your shit. Whatever I bring in is mine, whatever. And then, look, if we end up having a business and we buy a property, it's ours and we split it, whatever that is. But I don't that's the first thing I would do. I have no problem signing a prenup. Because I don't want your shit.

Tina (: 39:54

Hell yeah.

Tina (: 40:11

I get that.

Robb (: 40:13

Because why? Why would I want to ruin your life too? I think I've listened to a lot of people on the YouTubes on the interwebs where I was listening to a divorce lawyer, female divorce lawyer, and this guy goes, so what about pre-nups? She said it's the greatest thing in the world. Everyone should have a pre-nup.

Tina (: 40:16

Yeah, see that's me. If I need a prenup, I don't want to get married.

Robb (: 40:42

Because it should actually make your marriage stronger, not weaker. Because you understand that you're getting into this for the right reasons. Because if you're not, you're both leaving with your shit and it's done anyway. So, and I kind of looked at it like in a different way. And I was like, wow, maybe that is the way to do it. Like, if you go into a marriage and you both are like, look, we love each other, it's awesome. Like, this is what I told this one girl. I go.

I don't want your house, your kids should have it. Right? Because that's long haul of this, right? We're both 50 something, we've got 25 years left, your kids can have your house. We live in California, the market might fall out and might have to get rid of it anyway. You can barely pay the mortgage now. It's like, so why do I want that anchor as well?

Tina (: 41:16

Yeah.

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 41:36

Exactly.

Robb (: 41:37

It's like, want to be able to get out of this, go get an apartment and struggle for the rest of my life like everybody else. So, but if I'm in love with somebody, I want to, you know, I want that part of it. I want to have somebody that I, like I said, I want someone that I want to come home to. Because you how many people I know that have been in relationships to coming home to the people they don't, they could give two fucks about?

Tina (: 42:03

I know, it's so sad.

Robb (: 42:05

Yeah. That would sit on opposite sides of the couch. Barely speak, always on their phones. That's something going forward that I'll never do again. If I come home and my girlfriend is always on the phone, it won't last. I'll be like, gotta go. Good luck. I'm not fighting a phone.

Tina (: 42:13

That would suck.

Tina (: 42:22

Yeah.

Tina (: 42:29

No, you'll lose every time.

Robb (: 42:31

Yeah, I won't do it going forward and I'm very very upfront about that now. Like even when I go on dates, it's like the first thing I do is I tell them, you know what's awesome about this? I'm to put my phone down and actually talk to you for the next couple of hours. And I've told that to every single person I go out with and they're like, and I said that. So I expect it. And if you want to keep picking it up, we can pick up the check and I can go home because

Tina (: 42:47

Hmm.

Robb (: 42:58

I'd rather be at home. So to me, that's the kind of straightforward I think everyone needs to be. And that's a communication skill that most people don't have. Or if you're with somebody that you're supposed to be with, your phone, you don't care about picking up your phone. And it's very nice. And I went on...

Tina (: 43:02

Right?

Tina (: 43:13

Yes, I agree.

Tina (: 43:24

That's true.

Robb (: 43:28

I've been on other dates with other people. I went on a date with somebody that I liked or we considered it a date. And it was awesome that neither of us picked up the phone. Awesome. But hanging around them, she would pick up her phone at home. It's like, to me that's, if I'm here, give me your attention.

Even if we're friends, give me your attention. If not, why am I here? Because I can be on my phone at home too. And you know, so I think those are the communication skills that we're lacking as both adults and we probably, in this land of confusion of, you know, phones and social media and dating apps and all these things.

We're in a very, very odd place. If you're with somebody or like somebody, whatever situation you're in, let's just say that without getting in too deep, you better look at the time schedule of life and realize that if you want to be with this person that you might have liked a very, very long time.

Tina (: 44:27

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 44:52

Maybe now is the time to get on it.

Robb (: 44:53

Yeah, the time is a tickin. You know, the best thing is if you've ever, I always remembered there was a movie, there was a movie called School Days about a guy that got, oh I'm sorry, it was called Three O'Clock High. It was about a kid who was threatened for a fight at three o'clock. And every time he would be like sitting in the class, you could hear the.

Like every second or every minute would go by you'd hear the click of the clock. That's us. And, and there may be a lot of years on that, but they're going to go fast. Make your decisions in life. Communicate. And if you don't understand what someone's telling you, make them communicate it to you better. And if you're the one communicating it to somebody,

Tina (: 45:30

It is.

Robb (: 45:50

and they're not getting it, find another way to communicate. Because I think we have to. This is kind of where I'm at. I'm going to ask someone out, right? I ask them out, they say, I'm interested. Awesome. We go on dates. Hey, I'd like to ask you. I'd like to do something again. Sure. And then the next time I ask, if I get sort of blown off, I give it one time.

Tina (: 45:53

Find a way.

Robb (: 46:19

And then the next time I'm gonna go, hey, I really would like to go out with you again. You know, are you still interested? Say yes or no. Because if I get a lukewarm out of it, I'm going away. But I also don't, but I won't ghost you. I'm going to tell you. Because I think that's the bigger thing. Everyone just ghosts each other now. They just, they just go, if I just ignore them, they'll go away. It's like, no, fucking tell me. Like man up.

Tina (: 46:33

Yeah, as you should.

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 46:49

woman or man up dude and just go look I'm not interested in you. It doesn't mean that you're not pretty. It doesn't mean anything. It just means we're not compatible for whatever reason and from my point of view and if you like me and you think we're compatible you better give me the reason so maybe I can see it from a different point of view because I think that there's nothing wrong with that either you know

Tina (: 46:51

women.

Robb (: 47:18

Look, fighting for something is a big deal. And I don't mean after two dates. I mean after a lengthy thing. Fight for it. If that's your thing, do it. But at some point, can only fight so long to where you're just tired and it's time to go away. And like I said, it doesn't mean that you don't love them.

Tina (: 47:28

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 47:37

That's true.

Robb (: 47:46

It doesn't mean you don't have feelings for them. It just means that the fight has to be over for your mental health. And there's nothing wrong with that. This person that I've talked about, I would help her tomorrow with certain things. And I, you know.

Tina (: 47:54

Yes, exactly.

Robb (: 48:11

If it was a family thing, I would be there tomorrow. If it was something that she really needed, I would be there tomorrow. I would, I probably would never help her again if she had problems with a man. And that's just because I can't do that again. I can't get that close to you. and, but here's the, here's the flip side of that. You, if you're in a healthy relationship, you'll won't need me for anything else ever again anyway.

Tina (: 48:30

Yep, I hear you.

Tina (: 48:40

That's right.

Robb (: 48:42

So that's and you know, I I would never wish bad on anyone. Never.

Tina (: 48:50

You know, I was once told that you don't wish bad on anybody, but you always say, wish you get everything that you have coming for you. Like everything, good, bad, and different. I'm just making a clear blanket everything. And you know what? People tend to get everything anyway.

Robb (: 49:11

Yeah. Yes, most things come back on you. I, and again, you know, I'm a big statistics person. Statistically speaking, it's going to happen again.

Tina (: 49:24

Yep.

Robb (: 49:24

If you if you you know what they say about repeating yourself, right? Just history repeats itself, you know, you know Yeah, if you date country girls, you're probably gonna date more until you realize I need to stop dating country girls and maybe pick one that is better for me and And the same thing if you keep you know dating narcissistic assholes

Tina (: 49:31

It does. Until the lessons are learned.

Robb (: 49:52

You probably picked another one already. You just don't know it yet. look, communication's hard. Without a doubt. I think in our cases, me and you generally are pretty straightforward. I think in the last few years, I've changed my way of wanting to hear things. I want you to tell me everything. Be straightforward. Tell me to go away. Tell me I'm an asshole. Do whatever.

Tina (: 50:21

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 50:21

Because it just saves the time of being hurt. Hurt me now so I don't have to be hurt seven years from now. Yeah, and I totally agree with that. And I think in your case, the same thing rides, right? Right, well, yes.

Tina (: 50:31

Hurt you now, save you later.

Tina (: 50:37

In my case, I just need to not be such a hothead, at least for this weekend when I was pissed off. I need to come up with a way that even when I'm pissed off, I get my point across more effectively. And that was the the whole like drama was I really need to.

Maybe think a little bit more before I speak sometimes, because I can find a way to get my point across and avoid a situation. And I should always do that, because I notice that people don't hear me when we're fighting. They only hear me when I'm talking to them. So there's that.

Robb (: 51:07

Right.

I think, yes, I don't want to go any further than that. think, yes, you're very correct. And I think because of the people that me and you are at some points, I want to get deeper, but I don't want to say anything too crazy. But look, me and you,

I'd rather go, from now on that's the other thing I'm gonna do. I'm gonna go look. Before I say something really shitty, I'm going to go away for an hour and I'll text you in a little bit. See, I'm generally not. I spit shit out that I shouldn't. Look, I have a shirt and I have stickers and I think I wanna sell them. It just says, say dumb shit. And I do. I've said a lot of dumb shit and I all write letters like,

Tina (: 51:49

Well, I'm good at that. Just didn't work on Friday.

Tina (: 51:56

You

Robb (: 52:08

you know, a day after I do something wrong and it's like five pages of me just pouring my heart out instead of just stepping back and going, maybe I shouldn't say all this shit. That I have, I actually have a letter on my phone that I wrote somebody, but I never sent them and I'm proud that I didn't send it to them. I'm, I will, yeah, it needs to leave anyway because of where I'm at. for a long time I was like, I...

Tina (: 52:27

Erase that shit then.

Robb (: 52:35

I'm so glad I didn't send this because I reread it again and went, I'm really glad I didn't send this. So, what's the last thing you want to say about the communication with the people in our lives? Yeah.

Tina (: 52:49

I think we just need to try harder to understand one another and try a lot harder to not fight trying to get that point across. Gotta find a better way.

Robb (: 53:04

I agree. My whole thing with this is be gentle with people's hearts, but be very stern. Yeah, if my thing is the other thing is this. If you've ever loved them at any point, love them enough to hurt them now.

Tina (: 53:13

Yeah. You'd have boundaries, but you have to, you have to realize there's a way to say and do things that won't hurt the other person.

Tina (: 53:33

Yeah.

Robb (: 53:35

So, you can check us out on all these social media places like X and Facebook and Instagram and whatever else I'm trying to do these days. You can also listen to us on Apple and Spotify and anywhere you can hear these there podcasts. And it's an opinion show, so don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. I'm Rob, that's Tina. We will see you in a week. Bye.

Tina (: 53:36

is that?

Tina (: 54:00

See ya.