EP # 201 Can You Rebound After Cheating?

Robb (: 00:01

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Too. I am Rob along with my co-host as always Tina. How you doing Tina?

Tina (: 00:06

I'm doing great Rob, I'm a little sunburnt, but I'm hanging in there. It was a-

Robb (: 00:10

I might be a little burnt. look at that. You can see it. I was out in the sun. Mine is from the pool as well.

Tina (: 00:13

You look little red around the edges. Yeah.

Tina (: 00:20

I was in the pool all day today.

Nice.

Robb (: 00:26

I mean, it's not easy when you can't use your arm. So I was basically sitting. Not even not even swimming. Well, thankfully, the pool I was in has a forgot what she called it. It's like a little like a little beach. It's like a it's like a eight foot flat.

Tina (: 00:32

Swimming in circles?

Tina (: 00:45

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 00:49

Like platform so you can just kind of walk in it if you want to lay into it. It's like up to your like chest area. It's for people who. No, no, just like eight feet of it and then it has a drop off. But I could walk because I walked in it. I could walk all the way through it because it gets deep and then it gets shallow again. So and it's.

Tina (: 00:57

The whole pool is?

Tina (: 01:03

Tina (01:11.69)

Okay.

Robb (: 01:12

I was, I mean, I'm what almost six feet and it was barely to my chin with my head up. So it's probably like at its deepest six feet. So I was like, yeah. So I walked all the way to the end and I had my dog with me and my dog was freaking out. Cause like he didn't.

Tina (: 01:23

Nice.

Tina (: 01:31

Really?

Robb (: 01:32

Yeah, because he didn't understand why like I was disappearing. And then I came while I watched all the way back and my friend kept telling me like, oh, bring him in, bring him in. And we tried to get him to jump in and he wouldn't. So I finally, with my left arm, just kind of picked him up and dropped him really quick and he fucking froze.

Tina (: 01:53

no!

Robb (: 01:54

So he didn't understand he was just like, it's watery and then she called him and he kind of walked like really slow, like really slow. Like he was in quicksand because he didn't understand. And then he finally kind of.

Tina (: 02:03

how cute.

Robb (: 02:10

looked for a place to get out. So I'm like, all right. So I helped him out. And then he shook off a bunch of times and he was hanging out because it was hot. It was like 110. So we're hanging out. And then she's at the the lip.

Tina (: 02:21

Yeah.

Robb (: 02:26

of where this drop off is. it's like I said, it's now it's up to her like her almost neck, let's just say a little bit less. And she's like, come on, come on, Bishop, come on, come on. And he finally just, boop jumped in by himself. And both me and her were like, whoa, he did it.

Tina (: 02:41

wow.

Robb (: 02:44

He jumped in and then he went to the shelf and took one step and almost put his whole head in. He was like, he backed up, but he just kind of stood and he was there for like 35 minutes. Just kind of walking, like walking in circles in the water and he wouldn't get out of it. It was fun. It was kind of interesting.

Tina (: 02:58

Nice.

Robb (: 03:06

But it was a good time to watch my dog jump in the water because I took him to the dog beach like when he was one and he ran from the water. But here's the thing, after that he would walk around the whole pool and the whole time now I'm like a helicopter dad because I don't think he understands that depth yet because he hasn't tried to swim.

Tina (: 03:16

Tina (03:34.335)

Yeah.

Robb (: 03:34

And I can't really help him swim because I can't use both my hands. So, but it was, was fun. every time he'd get close, me and her be like, he's like, kind of turn around and don't jump in. Please don't jump in. But I have a feeling.

Tina (: 03:40

Right?

Tina (: 03:51

you

Robb (: 03:53

He would probably swim. would. You know, they're smart dogs. Yeah, so. Yeah, it was fun.

Tina (: 04:00

He's just got to figure out how to do what to do. That's it. That's cool though.

Robb (: 04:06

Probably gonna go hang out with her again and take him with me again. So we'll see if he, how he does this next time. I have a feeling he's just gonna jump right in next time. Boom, oh crap. Anyway, this week, this week, this week on episode 201, I was talking.

Tina (: 04:14

You

That's cool.

Tina (: 04:25

201.

Robb (: 04:28

with my friend and I was like, hey, was trying to, I'm starting to ask other people again for things to talk about for show topics because you know, it's always good to rattle people's cages. And generally it comes from some personal thing. And those are the better topics, right? Cause they're like, so she was like, how have you guys done one on, can you rebound in a relationship after someone cheats?

Tina (: 04:36

for show topics.

Robb (: 04:58

And I told her, go, look, we've probably talked about this on our show multiple times. But I think what she was really kind of going for is can you make it really work afterwards? Like, because I think a lot of people will try and more of the other discussion is would you even try? Because that's kind of what I said to her.

I go see this is a whole that these are two topics because my whole thing is I don't think I could even try because to me that's like once you go there it's very difficult right to rebound from that. So I'm I've been cheated on and funny thing is is that. I found out that someone that I dated.

Tina (: 05:41

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 05:57

admitted to me years later that she cheated on me before it ended where I haven't I've never done I've never cheated on someone that I was with but as you know on this show I've been with people who were I've been the other person which makes me just as guilty I'd love to be you know self-righteous and say that I've never done that before but I'm just a shitty so

Tina (: 06:13

Yeah.

Robb (: 06:25

But I think so in your case, what would you like? Would you try? Do you think you would?

Tina (: 06:38

Yeah, I would try to make it work if I truly loved the person for sure. I would give it a shot but something something changes when that happens and it's very hard to get back to what you had, you know, and the feelings that you had it it takes work to to forgive somebody and it's not easy.

Robb (: 07:00

Correct. See now, this particular person I know, it happened in front of each other. So it was like...

Tina (: 07:11

Well, if it's if it's consensual that both of them are doing it or something like that, that's not cheating.

Robb (: 07:11

I agree. But correct. But this is what stems from that. And this is kind of what I think it's the same but different. And I'll explain what I mean. Where she said that once it happened one time, she couldn't get that out of her brain. Like

Tina (: 07:22

that's opening up the relationship.

Robb (: 07:41

seeing it and I think for someone who doesn't see it but it does happen you still have that vision right you think of them being with somebody else I couldn't it would be very hard for me very hard just because I I'm a big believer in I I don't share well I don't let people eat fries off my plate nevertheless touch my woman you know what mean

Tina (: 07:49

Right.

Tina (: 08:07

Right? Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 08:10

So it would be very difficult for me. It's because it's. Right. Right, and I'm sure it's going to.

Tina (: 08:15

I that. I think it's difficult for everybody though. You're not exempt from that, obviously. Everybody would have jealousy issues or second thoughts or different things that go on in their heads from having that happen. I think if you didn't, then there's something wrong with you.

Robb (: 08:39

It's a mind fuck, you know what mean? Right, it's just, it's such a mental thing because, you know, and again, I think if you're married, it's even more of a mind fuck because you're supposed to, you know, your vows are supposed to mean something. I think as a whole, like we've talked about it before and I know

Tina (: 08:44

Yeah, totally.

Tina (: 08:58

Yeah.

Robb (: 09:08

statistically I'll say this nice with our lovable thing here on the show the bell curve women and men cheat for different reasons right I think men do it because it's a physical thing it's they just want to get laid and maybe they're not getting it at home women I think cheat because it's an emotional bond that then

Tina (: 09:20

for sure.

Tina (: 09:30

Right.

Robb (: 09:37

that physical and an emotional bond are a super duper connection. Where that's why I think when things go south and you decide to go separate ways, people start going, you've left me because you already have somebody else. And it's like, and I'm sure that statistically that's probably a lot of truth, right? But I think that

Tina (: 09:41

Yeah.

Tina (: 10:03

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 10:06

It's also where people leave and maybe there was cheating, but now they're trying to start this whole new life over and they don't have anybody else. They're trying to find out what is going on in life. know, it's such a, you know, I mean, I don't know about young people because, know, they're so different than now.

Tina (: 10:20

Right?

Robb (: 10:32

To me, it's just a very difficult thing to try to recover from. And I know people who have and they're happy on the surface, because I don't know for real if they're happy, because you only know a certain amount. But do you think that it's always going to be in the back of your mind?

Tina (: 10:46

Right?

Tina (: 10:58

Well, I've been cheated on in almost all of my relationships that I've had. And it does stick in your head. it, there's never, there's never going to be a time when you don't question it. Or if you see a look or something that you don't wonder, you know, there's, I don't know. I, I always wondered.

Robb (: 11:16

Mm-hmm.

Right. But do you find yourself?

Tina (: 11:27

And but you know, here's the funny thing is I didn't want to know. Because if you know, then you got to do something about it. So as much as I thought maybe it was going on, I did try to.

hide from knowing the truth. Yeah.

Robb (: 11:46

I think even if you don't know, but you think it, you know, it can become debilitating because that's all you think about.

Tina (: 11:56

Well...

being intuitive and close to a person. know, when I'm close to a person, I read everything. I know before they know that they're getting sick, I pay attention to stuff like that. So when I see it, I'm like, crap, here it goes. They're gonna, they're gonna fuck it up. And they do, you know, but I see it coming. I don't think I've ever got sucker punched completely for sure.

Robb (: 12:05

Right. I think in my divorce, I got sucker punched with just wanting a divorce. You know what mean?

But finding out later on things I found out. It was, yeah, I probably should have opened my eyes a little bit bigger. And you would have been easier to go, yeah, this is. This is kind of the this is kind of the tell sign. And this is kind of. But I think that once it happens and again, I I don't I found out on everything way later.

Tina (: 12:37

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 12:45

Yeah.

Tina (: 12:52

This is happening.

Yeah.

Robb (: 13:04

So the blunt was, know, I got stabbed with a butter knife. didn't get, so it was like, okay. Or yeah, I kind of thought it, who cares now, right? So, but I could, once it happens, it's gotta be that thing where everything starts becoming.

Tina (: 13:12

Yeah.

Tina (: 13:20

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 13:33

something that isn't real. Like, why were you late? Why did you do this? Why are you working so much? And I would have such a problem, because I'm a mental, I'll mentally fuck myself all the time on things that aren't like that. So like, I've worried myself into no sleep, all kinds of things. So...

Tina (: 13:39

Yeah.

Robb (: 14:02

I think once it happens once it's got to be this constant I wonder, I wonder, I wonder. And that's got to be just the worst thing possible for a human being and then a relationship because then you end up sabotaging your own.

relationship. Right.

Tina (: 14:23

Well, jealousy is a horrible thing because nothing good is going to come out of it. So if you're already thinking that way, it's a wrap. You know, you got to let go at that point because you'll never get over it. You'll never get past it. You know, there'll always be that doubt or that if you're one of those people that do that, like it's always going to be there. That little doubt that makes you wonder every time.

They're not consistent and that's torture too. My mom...

Robb (: 14:55

But do you think that that just continues from person to person to person? Or do you think that there's a way of getting over it?

Tina (: 15:00

I know. I think there's a way of getting over it. mean, be confident in yourself and know that not everybody is the same. You have to give people a break. You can't take one, you know, shit sandwich to the next party. It's just not, it's not fair to the person. My mom used to tell me that if, if somebody, my mom used to tell me that jealousy is a disease. It's a sickness.

Robb (: 15:15

Right. That's a great... You can't take the same shit sandwich. That's funny.

Tina (: 15:27

And if you, and if you're going to be jealous, get away from that person. Cause that person's not meant for you. And I, and I always took that to heart. Like jealous, if somebody makes you jealous, you're clearly in the wrong situation. And.

Robb (: 15:42

Wow. But I, by hearing that, I think that you probably get out of things fairly quickly. That once you feel a certain way. okay, all right.

Tina (: 15:44

I just always lived by that. Like if somebody's gonna make me jealous, just, can't deal.

Tina (: 16:01

no, I'm a slow learner. I'll be honest. I'll let a lot happen, but I really don't, I don't go to the jealous route. I'm like, well, maybe if I was doing something better or tried harder, things would be different. So, but yeah. And a lot of times I'm just like, yeah, this guy's not making me feel good. So I'm done with him. And so I've done that. I've done that too.

Robb (: 16:27

Right. Yeah, I do my best now to read people a little.

harder. Like I, and I, and I ask different questions now. Where, where I might not have done it as a younger person. Where, like now, for one, I think it's so funny cause I think I used to say things about like, you know, when you were young, your uncles and aunts and, your parents would talk and you were like, and they talk shit about a lot of people or they say

Tina (: 16:46

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 17:04

Outlandish things like my mom was crazy anyway, but But I think as you get older your give-a-fuck meter just totally goes away or or your Your filter for asking upfront questions becomes way Bigger you're just like what do you think of this and and I've blindsided people on dates and they're like

Tina (: 17:15

Right?

Robb (: 17:33

Or like simple things. I went on a date a while back. The first thing I told her was like, so who are you? And they were like, huh? Who are you? Like, tell me who you are. I go, I don't need a dissertation. Like, who are you though? And she's like, I don't know. She's like, well, you thought about this question. And I was like.

Tina (: 17:43

What?

Robb (: 17:55

Not really. It just came to my mind. But and she's like, well, who are you? And I was like, I'm nerdy and this and this and this. And and she was like, I said, you know who you are. We all know who we are. You don't have to get into depth like I didn't ask you if you've you know. What you got, what your grades were in college like I don't care about that. But tell me who you are like you. You find this funny or this. You can like really filter people out or or

Even on a first date or maybe not first date but you know second or third if you end up going out You can start talking about like so what do you think about? Cheating in a relationship. What would you do? You can really get better with people I think then I could when I was young I would never ask crazy questions like that. This wasn't me Yeah, I was more I just want to get laid so I better not say anything stupid

Tina (: 18:45

Well, a totally different mindset at the time.

Robb (: 18:54

Where, you know, now I'm just like, no. I sent a meme to somebody. was really kind of the outreaching things of what I think life is as you get older. It's find someone that you can laugh with or that laughs with you, but you're totally serious about.

Tina (: 19:20

Yeah.

Robb (: 19:20

And it's like, that matters. Like these things matter where, because you can have a great love life, but you should be able to laugh at each other and be quirky with each other. I did find something that a friend of mine said that they were talking, he was, I don't want to say a sex addict, because I don't know.

use that term, but that's the only term I can think of, right? They were talking about something and sex came up and it was like...

He basically said that like their relationship was based around that and she went, what happens when we can't do it anymore? And he was like, well, what do you mean? He's like, what happens if we can't? For whatever reason, what's gonna happen to us? And I guess kind of blindsided him. He was like, and she's like, that's the problem.

is great, is fun, it can't be the only thing that connects us. And I think these were things that led to their lifestyle change and

doing other things. Now here's the thing. Yes, it started that way. But then she decided she didn't want to do it anymore. Like I, I'm done with this. I don't want to do this anymore. I feel whatever way, a certain way, and I don't want to. And I guess it kind of poo pooed on their relationship, right? Like he was just didn't understand it.

Tina (: 20:59

Hmm.

Tina (: 21:10

Right?

Robb (: 21:21

And then she found out later on that he went outside the marriage. Right, even though they were still having sex. They he wanted the. Swinging style. He wanted that kind of thing, and she was like, no, I don't want to do this anymore. And so we were talking about that, she's like, well, what do you

Tina (: 21:28

because she didn't want to be who she was.

Robb (: 21:49

think and I was like, either one, either one of you, it says to me, once you say no, everyone should be out.

Tina (: 22:04

But how do you say no? You that's kind of hard because when you're allowing somebody that you love to sleep with other people and then all of a sudden you don't, that's not going to really work.

Robb (: 22:12

I agree. My thing is this. I kind of said like, you're then you're done. There is no more relationship. You have to end it. But I think that the part of it was that she just wanted to have a regular life again.

Tina (: 22:39

You gotta marry a regular guy then. Not one that's into threesomes. Or more. Or more. Yeah. Threesomes or more.

Robb (: 22:42

yes. It wasn't just, yeah, it was more. Yeah.

Yeah, or more, right. So, for me, I was trying to grasp all those things because like I was telling you before, I couldn't share anyway, so I would never get in that deep. It would be like, hey, I wanna do this, and I'd go no, and it would either end there or end. And I kinda said,

You know, we've talked about that. was like, I'm sure, cause I was trying to play both sides, right? Devil's advocate. Just like what you said, like, you know, you can't just stomp on the brakes because people don't understand why you're stomping on the brakes.

Tina (: 23:34

No.

Well, and his mind-sets, his mind-set is not gonna be in the same place hers is, cause he's digging on it. You know, he's like, I get to sleep with other people, this is quite fantastic. Why would I wanna stop when I got more? That's just human nature.

Robb (: 23:38

Right. Right. Well, and I think it was more than that, too. I think he enjoyed watching her with someone else. Right.

Tina (: 24:04

I'm sure he enjoyed a lot of things about it.

Robb (: 24:07

But, but I think that that was a, a big part of that. It wasn't just him sleeping with somebody else. He enjoyed that part of it. Right. And so that's when, and, and I, you know, I never really asked too personal if, if, how, if she watched, she did at one point because she said that it, it, that was kind

Tina (: 24:19

Robb (24:37.84)

of like a hard thing for her to get out of her brain after it. and again, once you're I get it like it's hard. It's got to be hard for someone to just wake up and go, No, I'm not doing this anymore. I totally understand both sides of it.

Tina (: 24:42

Yeah.

Tina (: 24:54

I don't think it's as hard to say I'm done with it as it is to be the person hearing that they're not going to do it anymore. I think it's harder for them because their mindsets in a different space.

Robb (: 25:02

Right. Yeah, because I think for whatever feeling you get, you can't I'll never question that kind of feeling from somebody if you don't want to do that anymore. That's a personal thing, like I just don't want to do this.

Tina (: 25:19

You shouldn't do it. Yeah. Well, the sex in itself, if there's something you don't want to do, don't do it. Like that's your body. That's your sacred space. Like don't allow things to happen that you're not ready for. You don't want to have happen.

Robb (: 25:28

Right. Right. Well, and it's funny too, because we were talking about porn. And we were kind of talking about how I think it wrecks people because it wrecks men, first of all, for sure. Because it sets it

It's standard that's not real. Right? So if you're into somebody who's like, if you're into a porn star who's wild on film and you want your girlfriend to be that girl, that girl gets paid to do this stuff. And if you listen to like, there's a podcast that this guy introduced porn stars. Some of them are crazy psycho outside of filming. A lot of them are

Tina (: 26:14

Yeah.

Robb (: 26:27

regular old people who are borderline vanilla at home. Because some of them are like, that's it's not realistic. Like that's not, people aren't really like that. We do this because it's an entertainment form and I get paid well to do it. So as she went, this girl was telling me that she, because of people that

Tina (: 26:29

Right?

Tina (: 26:35

Right?

Robb (: 26:57

she had been with in the past thought that that's what men wanted so she tried to and again she was very young and that's the other thing I have to kind of preface it she was a younger he was a girl he was like 18 19 20 years old when all this was starting so and not to excuse that but I'm sure the guy she was with was much older so it's much easier

to twist and turn people. But when you think that that's all men want, you try to become that. And then the next thing you know, she's a people pleaser. So she tried to be the people pleaser. And I've heard that from other female friends in my life that were people pleasers that on not just a sexual form, but just everything. Like you just morph into being that person and say yes to everything because

you want everyone to like you or

have everything done. It's a difficult thing for me like, you know, we've done a lot of we've talked a lot about a lot of things on here, Tina. And had people on who were assaulted and people who or we've talked about people who are in deep and sexual things. To me, it's a darker cloud every time I hear female friends.

talk to me. almost, it sometimes makes me ill how guys are.

Robb (: 28:40

very interesting for me now that we've talked about a lot of stuff and had other girls on. It's like when we did the online dating one years ago. The first thing that they talked about was like how quickly guys are sending pictures of their dick to them. You know, it's like, yeah.

Tina (: 28:56

Yeah.

Tina (: 29:01

That's just commonplace and you kind of have to use that as like a way to weed people out. Like if they're sending you a dick pic, block them, be done with it. There shouldn't even be an explanation, come on. Or if you like it or you want to be with them, well then you do that too. You know what I mean? It shouldn't be a... I don't know, I think a lot of times I know that girls say, well,

Robb (: 29:13

Right. I agree, but...

Tina (: 29:31

you know, I had this happen or that happen, but...

You have to set the standard for how people are going to treat you. And if you set your standard high, they won't be sending you dick pics. But if you set it low, you're going to get a ton of.

Robb (: 29:44

Right. Right. But OK, so that's fair enough. I totally I'm down for that. That's a good way of looking at it.

How do we change men to stop doing this?

Tina (: 30:05

Well, tell them. You know what I know about men in my life that men need to know where your head's at. They need to know what your boundaries are. They need to know what your expectations are. And when you give them the boundaries, they stay within the boundaries. They're not trying to piss off women. They're not trying to make life hard on them. They want to like live in

Robb (: 30:25

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 30:33

in harmony just like everybody else does.

Excuse me, but if you do not, if you do not tell them what your boundaries are, what you like, what you don't like, what you'll put up with, what you won't, like they're going to run rogue. They're going to see what they could get away with. I obviously, who doesn't? Everybody tries that men are not exempt from, or women are not exempt from being just like that too. So I think that communication and what you will and what won't put up with is, is key.

Robb (: 30:47

Yeah.

Robb (: 30:58

Solid. Right.

Tina (: 31:06

You know, and if you're gonna, if you're gonna try the swing or lifestyle, you need to know, you need to know what your boundaries are, what you will and won't put up with. You need to know what your partner's boundaries are and what they will and won't put up with. You need to make sure that you make very like steady lines, solid lines in the sand as to what will and won't go on. And, and, and if you're with somebody that's got respect for you, they'll stay in those boundaries.

And if they don't stay in those boundaries, don't do it. You shouldn't do it. Period.

Robb (: 31:36

Right. guess that is the great point because. Boundaries are huge and I think. Once you set them and you stay with them, you become such a stronger person. Where, like you said, you weed out people.

Tina (: 31:53

yeah.

Robb (: 31:56

very quickly. Right? Nope. Yeah. I so I was I had hung out with somebody that I had a relationship with in the past. And I was going to go hang out with them. And I'm sure not jokingly, but said in like a more haha way was like, Hey, just say no, we're not sleeping together. And I was like,

Tina (: 31:59

as you should.

Tina (: 32:24

Yeah.

Robb (: 32:25

And then here, my answer was, I didn't think we were. And she was like, I just wanted to, know, okay, that's fine, a boundary's fine. I don't, and then, but, and then I kind of jokingly said back though is, the boundary has been set now. So if you change your mind, the boundary is set. So let's, and it was an amazing,

Tina (: 32:36

Yeah.

Tina (: 32:44

Right?

Tina (: 32:49

Yeah.

Robb (: 32:55

Hang out. Like there was no tension. There was no nothing. There was no flirting. Nothing. It was very and and I think you are right. Setting boundaries inside your relationship, sexual or not, is going to it's going to make everyone act correct. Or it's not.

Tina (: 33:00

Right?

Tina (: 33:20

or it's not, but it's still, you still know what you will and won't put up with.

Robb (: 33:26

I think that, you know, like, can people cheat and fix a relationship? 100%. I'm going to guess that it's statistically not very good. Yeah, it's probably, I bet you it's probably in the 20 % range of succeeding.

Tina (: 33:41

Yeah, I wouldn't say it's very hot.

Robb (: 33:52

And then, and then inside that 80 % it's, I stay because of this or I stay because of that and I stay because of this. Wow. Yeah.

Tina (: 33:59

Well, you also got to think of like how many times would you put up with them cheating too? Because I know people that have been caught five, six, seven times and their partners stay with them. And I'm like, why the hell would you do that? Like where is your boundaries? Where is your taking care of you? Who's defending your heart if your partner is going at it like that?

Robb (: 34:20

I think once it gets to that though, it's just a self-esteem issue. On both sides. Men have shitty self-esteem as well. So it's just of, I'm sure it's a lot of guys that end up going, I'm not gonna get anybody better than her. And then on the flip side.

Tina (: 34:28

Yeah, it's gotta be.

Tina (: 34:33

Yeah.

Tina (: 34:42

I know. I don't know. I don't feel like guys are that like insecure these days. Like, I could get somebody better. problem.

Robb (: 34:52

Well, I think again, age and age part might deal with that too. Let's say you've been with somebody for 25 years and you're 50. Well, it's just, it's just am I am I going to find someone better at 50? And I know that, you know, 50 is the new 40 and

Tina (: 35:01

cheaper to keep her at that point.

Robb (: 35:14

And I think that that is kind of true because Gen Xers are little weirder. But it is because the dating pool is fucking poison. It's very difficult. Mostly for men. think women have, we've talked about this, women have it way easier. For almost everything. And from a sexual context. If a guy wants to get laid, he has to work at it. A girl can go to a bar and take home someone.

Tina (: 35:18

Yeah.

Robb (: 35:42

100 % of the time. 98 % of the time. Let's just be nice. I'll play that someone will say no. But if you have no restrictions, you'll find somebody. You could walk down a bar and go, hey, at 2 AM, wanna go home with me? No. Go to the next stool. Wanna go home with me? Wanna go home with me?

Tina (: 35:48

you

Robb (: 36:09

Some guy is going to say yes where if a guy did that he's going home alone The pool is large but I think that I think women And I say this with the utmost respect to women you guys have a much more You have to tick more boxes

Tina (: 36:18

I don't know, I think he could find somebody too. I mean the pool is large. Even at our age.

Robb (: 36:39

I think women, when a guy walks up, there has to be some boxes ticked to go home with him. It's not just, I need to get laid. There's too many sex toys now that work better. They don't have to. Mm-hmm. Agree.

Tina (: 36:49

You know, I, I... but there's still something called intimacy that, that a toy cannot fix or, or somebody at a bar cannot provide.

Robb (: 37:07

And I think I was just talking to the same friend about that. go sex is great. It is not everything. I need somebody that's going to sit on the couch with me and hold my hand to. Someone who's going to share an ice cream when you're out, there's there's. Lots of different kinds of intimacy that must be fulfilled. On both sides, so if you have one person that is very.

Tina (: 37:22

Yeah.

Robb (: 37:36

Cuddly touchy feely and the other person is not it's never gonna work But if you have one that's gonna do that, but they're very sexual the other person who's touchy feely has to be sexual Like you have to make that work. If not, you're just punching yourself in the face. I'm never gonna work like you can like someone and you can have everything in common all kinds of good things. you're great together you

Tina (: 37:40

Right.

Robb (: 38:03

When you hang out together, it's amazing, all these shared things. But if she doesn't want to sit next to me on the couch, long run, it's going to be hard. Because I want that. I don't want to sit on the other side of the fucking couch and yell at each other and over each other's phones. And but that is what those are the things that I think lead to cheating.

You're not getting something from your mate that you may have got before. That's the other, I think that's the other bigger thing. Where if, once you start a relationship a certain way, it's hard to deviate from that. And I mean, and what I mean by that is normal sexual activity. I'm not talking crazy shit, just.

Normal, if you have a normal sex life of, I don't know what normal is, I'm gonna guess two to three times a week. Let's just, I probably not, I bet you it's once a week in a married life. But let's just say two or three. Let's say two, because it'll be better for my arithmetic. No, actually three will be better. So if it's three in the first three years of your relationship,

Tina (: 39:05

you

Tina (: 39:08

That's normal.

Robb (: 39:27

You know, it's still honeymoon-ish and sex life is good. One of you guys gets a new job. Stress starts hitting and it falls to once a week and you're like, well, fuck, and you're trying, but your mate is now tired all the time or whatever. And now maybe the girl at work is, you know,

Hey, is everything OK? I know stress is hard and blah, You know, like everything, it'll run into. Well, she cares about me. She's asking about how bad it is at home or blah, blah. And now it's not three times a week and I have a high sex drive in.

I'm still going to have the once a week with my wife and now I'm going to fill the void somewhere else. It not that it makes there's no excuses for anything, but I can understand where you have to try mostly if they come to you and go look.

What's going on? Why aren't we having this relationship that we had before and it was good? And how do we fix that problem? But I think a lot of people don't do that. I think they just go through the motions of, well, not happening.

Tina (: 40:48

Well, here's one thing that I also have come to experience for years and years. Women make men their priority. But if you notice, in long-term relationships, men don't make women their priority. What they do is they have a list of things that they have to get done, that they have to resolve, that they have to handle, that they have to go through.

And then when it's all said and done, then they want to put time into their relationship. And I see that men do that because we're judged differently. Women are judged by the type of family that they have and men are judged by how well they do in their professional life. And so men are always trying to, to get more, to be more, to, to get into a place where they're happy with what they've done with their

professional lives. But what happens is they don't, they don't put that care, I wouldn't say 100 % of the time, but oftentimes they don't put that care into the woman that they're with. And so it leaves a woman going, I take care of you. Why are you not taking care of me? And that starts to breed a little bit of frustration.

Robb (: 41:54

you

Resentment. And I agree with you though, because men are judged on their, on what they do.

Tina (: 42:17

resentment yeah

Robb (: 42:25

And again, not that we ever, I would never brocheted either sex, because there's issues with both of those. But just like that too, the family is a more womanly thing. Where like, you you'll come home after a long day of work, and maybe say you're.

you're in a mood and you're right. Maybe your wife who's been home all day with three kids isn't in the mood. It's like and I would never say that you should always have sex with your mate. I think that that's. That's a tad unrealistic. With that being said, I think that there should be. A natural goal with that. Between the two of you. Because either sex.

Tina (: 42:56

Yeah.

Tina (: 43:16

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 43:19

that holds out or doesn't end up doing it. And it becomes this long period of not having sex and then without talking to each other about it. And I mean like real talks, not like, why aren't we having sex? I don't know. And then it goes away. That's, I'm talking decent communication between people. You should be able to at least go look, I'm...

I'm missing this in my life and I'm missing this in my life. How do we come together? Because I love you and all these things. You should be able to fix that before ever going outside of your marriage. Like I said, should be able to. I mean, some things you're not going to. And like I said, like work wives and work husbands are

Tina (: 44:04

In a perfect world you would.

Tina (: 44:08

Yeah.

Robb (: 44:17

are issues. And in certain fields, it's worse. I heard the medical field is horrible. Like any of people, it's any of those jobs that are like public service, firefighters, police, medical, I heard they're all just really bad. And again, I'm using the bell curve. If anyone doesn't like that, I'm sorry, but I know people in all

Tina (: 44:18

Yeah.

Tina (: 44:26

is horrible.

Well they spend a lot of time with each other.

Robb (: 44:47

all three of those fields. And it happens with work, generally with coworkers. I know people that are nurses that have had relations with other nurses and cops. I have a friend who works for the LAPD and he hasn't, but he has told me multiple stories about it happening.

Tina (: 44:55

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 45:04

Yeah.

Robb (: 45:15

and at work, like on the job, like this crazy shit. And then I've heard stories about firemen, not personal ones, but I've heard like certain things because, you know, they live together. You're always in a firehouse with people. So I get it. And I've gotten close to coworkers when I was young, but I never...

Tina (: 45:16

yeah.

Tina (: 45:31

Right?

Robb (: 45:44

We never ended up any relations happening from it, but we were definitely walking that tightrope of it would probably have gone there. If if. I if either one of us would have pressed it. I'm sure it would have. And so so those are the other things that you have to worry about in regular life like you're not only are you these days fighting social media.

Tina (: 45:53

Right.

Tina (: 46:03

Yeah.

Robb (: 46:14

because you're DMs and everything. You're fighting people at work because they're in your spouse's ear going, you I'm here to help you. You need a shoulder to on?

Tina (: 46:28

Right?

Robb (: 46:28

And then you're facing just regular everyday life at the supermarket, know, or, you know, going out with your single friends to a bar and you doing something stupid. My whole thing is I don't, I never thought we'd get an answer out of this podcast. There is no answer. There's, I think what you said is the best part is setting very hard boundaries early, early in a relationship.

Tina (: 46:39

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 46:57

Yeah.

Robb (: 46:58

and sticking to those boundaries to the point of being okay of being alone. Because a person who is really, really into you will walk the line of that boundary, yep. And not press you on that boundary. Like, this is only once, it's only this time, it's like no.

Tina (: 47:06

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 47:14

respect them yeah

Tina (: 47:23

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 47:28

this is what we're doing, don't go past it. And I think that that's an important part of what we're talking about. Matter of fact, I think you said it and we could have ended this probably 25 minutes ago. Because that is the biggest part, boundaries and then calling people out for trying to pass them, I think is another part of that.

Tina (: 47:52

And also not agreeing to some you know you cannot do. Like if you think, if you know in your heart and hearts that you're gonna have a problem with it, don't agree to it. Don't give it a shot, you know, that's just not for you.

Robb (: 48:05

Right. Nip it in the bud quickly. I agree with that. Yeah, that's like dating someone that's, like, I'll give you an example. I'm not a big fan of the ocean. That's like trying to date someone who loves scuba diving.

Tina (: 48:11

Yeah. Say, no, that's not me.

Tina (: 48:28

Yeah.

Robb (: 48:29

It's like, it's never gonna work. Because you're never gonna. Right. But the boundary would be like, I'm not going in the ocean ever. I don't do that. But like I said, it would end quickly. Or you might not even start, you know what I mean? If you start with that boundary pretty hard.

Tina (: 48:33

Well, it's not that it's never gonna work. It's just gonna take a lot of bending on both of your parts to meet in the middle.

Tina (: 48:46

Yeah.

Tina (: 48:56

Yeah.

Robb (: 48:58

You're going to find the right ones.

Tina (: 49:01

Yep, very true.

Robb (: 49:05

Yeah, we're looking for topics, so feel free to send messages. Call Tina at 2.30 in the morning and leave messages. I mean, make sure that you get ahold of both of us and leave us a message on anything, show topics that you'd like to hear. Don't call her at 2 in the morning. Yeah. No, I will be, matter of fact,

Tina (: 49:27

I'm probably up at 2.30 in the morning though, so don't call you at all. You will be sleeping.

Robb (: 49:34

My phone won't even ring. have a, only there's a handful of people that can call me that will actually come through. And it's.

Tina (: 49:43

Smart.

Robb (: 49:44

My son, my dad, my brother, you and my best friend down south. There's only a... Yeah, that can bother me at two in the morning. Like, I mean, to be fair though, it turns back off at 4.30 in the morning when I'm awake. So just wait a couple more hours. We'll be fine. I'll pick up after that. But yeah, there's between 9.30 and 4.30 in the morning. I have a very select group.

Tina (: 49:52

Really?

Tina (: 49:57

Yeah.

Tina (: 50:07

Right?

Robb (: 50:14

of people who can get through to me. That's a boundary. Yeah, I'm trying.

Tina (: 50:18

Nice. That's a boundary for sure. You should have more of them.

you

Robb (: 50:27

54 and I'm trying to be a different person. Which is, I think, pretty positive thing for me. You can hear this podcast pretty much anywhere, but Spotify, Apple are the biggest ones. A lot of people use Chrome, which is interesting because you're listening to us online, like on a computer, which I think is pretty badass, or you're on your phone listening to it, which is kind of neat too. And we're here every Wednesday.

Tina (: 50:31

I get you.

Tina (: 50:35

Yeah.

Robb (: 50:56

I on the socials, I skipped this week. I'm going through physical therapy now. my swings and, I'm one handed in my swings and mood.

Tina (: 51:06

and you're one handed.

Robb (: 51:11

can vary. had a couple, not the first day or the second, the third day I had a lot of pain, a lot. Like I had trouble sleeping that night. And then here's the funny thing, woke up the next morning, 100 % feeling better. I was so upset. I woke up and I was like, what in the blue hell?

Tina (: 51:13

Tina (51:32.885)

You needed some sleep.

Robb (: 51:38

I'm also sleeping sitting up. So I maybe I just slept really good like I was in the right position but yeah and then this week I'm starting and you know same physical therapy but probably different exercises so my body's gonna start going through these things but I'm trying and it's an opinion show don't get it twisted keep coming back every Wednesday that's Tina I'm Rob we'll see you in a week

Tina (: 51:46

There you go.

Tina (: 51:57

You got it, you got this.

Tina (: 52:07

See ya.

Robb (: 52:07

you