EP # 207 The TMI Dilemma in Relationships, what is too much?

Robb (: 00:01

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Twisted. I am Rob along with my co-host as always Tina. How you doing? I am sounding a little scratchy. I'm still fighting this whatever I have. I don't know what it is. No, no, it's not. Not a bit actually. That's good. Surviving life.

Tina (: 00:08

You're sounding a little scratchy there Rob.

Tina (: 00:22

But I'm doing all right. I'm surviving life right now. I'll just say that. Surviving life.

Robb (: 00:30

Yeah, it sounds like a, it sounds like a Hallmark movie. You know. Yeah, they never are. They never are. So this week, I had a friend talk to me about something here and I'm gonna give you the exact wording. But for, she was like, hey.

Tina (: 00:34

Yeah, if only it turned out to be that easy. We'll see. No.

Tina (: 00:54

Okay.

Robb (: 00:56

Because I was like, I don't know what we're going to talk about because as always, we don't know until right before we get on a lot of the time. So she goes, you should do one on how much is too much information. And I was like, context, please. Context is like TMI about prior relationships shared in current relationships. And I go, and I go, and it's effects. She goes, yes, effects. How it can ripple.

Tina (: 01:19

Robb (01:24.622)

and cause bad things or how it can add to intimacy or actually add good things to it. And I think that I can see kind of both because yes, if you tell somebody that you didn't get enough of that in a previous relationship, maybe that will help, you know, in the current one. Or you end up seeing if you're going to find the right person. So. man, this one is kind of deep.

Tina (: 01:45

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 01:54

because it can go so many different directions. Let's see, where shall I start? I think there's a lot of good in doing it, and I think that there's a lot of bad in doing it. The good part is, yes, you're probably going to find out a lot of things about the person that you are potentially going to be with.

Tina (: 01:57

Mm-hmm. Absolutely.

Tina (: 02:13

So

Robb (: 02:24

So I think that's a positive. Right. You're going to. Absolutely.

Tina (: 02:30

You're gonna hear a lot about a person who was with another person and how their interaction was, but I don't know if you could be so quick to judge a person by that because you're different with every relationship that you have. The chemistry's different. The way you guys bob and weave would be different, so.

Robb (: 02:53

And I think what ends up happening is with... You can find yourself after you hear a story a bunch of times actually seeing the person that they say they're not. Because it's... You've heard it so much and you've... That you're like, you know, maybe this is who you are. Or maybe this is what happened. Or, you know...

Tina (: 03:09

Yeah, absolutely.

Robb (: 03:23

I think it's look it's a fine line of telling someone too much. Ha ha ha.

Tina (: 03:30

You know, I hear women talk a lot and there's so many things that I think is TMI. Like it just goes too far. I could even give you examples. I don't know if I should, but I, in talking with women, you don't share prior relationship dick size. I don't think that's cool.

Robb (: 03:54

No.

Tina (: 03:58

But I've heard it so many times, I'm like, why would you say that? So when you're in a relationship, there should be sacred subjects that just aren't up for talking about ever again. It should be between you and that person. And you shouldn't bring that into the next person's relationship with you. Because again, you're a different person depending on who you're with.

and they'll bring out certain things in you differently. That's just the way it is. But to share things that are intimate with the next person, it kind of sets the stage for, first of all, I know what they're going to tell the next person because they've told me. So I'm going to have a problem with that to begin with. Then there's

then there's just things that you shouldn't say because then the next person could get jealous. Why would you want to create jealousy and drama with a new relationship?

Robb (: 05:07

Right. you

Tina (: 05:11

I don't know, I kind of feel like when I was younger I probably shared more information than I should have. I think that that was an age thing. I was just kind of dumb and didn't know where to gauge where I should stop. So I think that as when I was younger, they probably got a lot more information out of me. Now, being older, there's just things I don't want to talk about and I don't want to bring up and they're not who I am and they're not who I'm with anymore. So I don't feel the need to share that and I won't.

be like, you know, that's just not something I want to talk about anymore. And it won't come back up.

Robb (: 05:49

Yeah. Yeah.

Tina (: 05:50

but I think that it's wrong to bring old crap into a new relationship.

Robb (: 05:59

I do agree for the most part. think that if I guess if you've had certain things happen to you, like physically or mentally, there has to be some kind of hint about it or some kind of talk because you don't want to get in too deep and then you end up

Saying something and triggering somebody so badly where you didn't Do I do I want to hear like sexual sexipades with people no obviously not You know and you're right penis eyes can can be the killer of a lot of stuff Now here's the flip side. I will say one of the best lines I've ever heard ever was from somebody and they said it just like this about

Tina (: 06:32

Right, I get that.

Tina (: 06:47

Yeah

Robb (: 06:55

being with somebody who had a large penis, she said this, generally people who have large penises are connected to bigger dicks. and I was like, well said. And she goes, look, the reality is just that like it's the person regardless. So in the end, it really doesn't matter. And I was like, that's good. Good way of looking at it. But that being said, you also don't want to hear

Tina (: 07:04

Hmm, hmm, hmm, hmm.

I get that, for sure.

Tina (: 07:19

Yeah.

Robb (: 07:25

You know, you just don't want to hear certain things that yes Regardless of how we all say we won't judge somebody You can't help it it's human nature you find yourself Going down a road or then putting things in your own head that will you know? Also make the relationship bad So

Tina (: 07:52

That's why I always say you don't bring an old relationship into a new one. It's so much better when you keep them separate.

Robb (: 08:04

Right, and look, it's... I would say it's easy, but it's not. It's just not easy. look, when you get to a certain age, you should probably talk about some of your past relationships.

Maybe not in such detail, but yes, like it would be hard to go out on a date at some point in the beginning stages and not talk about, hey, I was married, you know, and again, maybe what I'm trying to peek into is it definitely has to be surface level things. Like I was married. I have a child. you know, I have grandkids.

Tina (: 08:50

Right. Well that's just basic information of where a person is in their life. Yeah.

Robb (: 08:54

Where you're at. Correct. Do I need to hear about, you how you, you know, had sex when you were 13? Probably not. You know what I mean? Or, or do I need to know, you know, certain things? Probably not. Now, should I know...

If there was sexual abuse somewhere in your past, probably, you know, because like, if you get in too deep, you might scare someone off. So there's, think that there's a, there's a tipping point where you, if you're going to say it, it needs to be brought up, you know, at a decent time. Because like you also don't want to start liking somebody.

Tina (: 09:45

Yeah.

Robb (: 09:50

and they can't handle what happened in your past that could come up at another time. Because maybe now you're in really deep and maybe you can't handle it.

Tina (: 10:01

Absolutely.

Tina (: 10:09

Right.

Robb (: 10:10

Because there are some people who cannot handle that or don't want to handle it. Maybe that's the better way of putting it.

Tina (: 10:20

It's unfortunate with abuse. The person that is abused always has to deal with it. And normally a lot of the time their partners do as well. I think that goes without saying that there's no way that you could not talk or share things that have happened like that with abuse. think that that's, you know...

Robb (: 10:28

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 10:46

you come to the table with a whole lot of problems but if you talk about it you explain yourself it could be a little bit easier for the person to handle. So I think in those situations you might want to say something but do you really need to go into a certain depth with it? I don't think that that needs to be the case. just doesn't. It doesn't help anybody knowing that.

Robb (: 11:07

Correct. think, I think it just needs to be brought to the table of look, things have happened. You know, maybe scratch the surface and say, look, I'm currently dealing with them this way. do therapy, whatever it is. However it is that you're, that you have dealt or are dealing with it, but you definitely, I,

Tina (: 11:17

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 11:33

Right here.

Robb (: 11:35

There's just a fine line. I think now I'm also one that can say like maybe I could handle it and I'm just saying that because I think I probably could that doesn't mean I can Just means that I think I can

Tina (: 11:50

It doesn't mean that you want to.

Robb (: 11:54

That's a good point. It's just hard because like, look, we all bring baggage. And that baggage could be lots of things. Like, I know people who have been with addicts and that's a whole other, a whole other weird thing to deal with where you're just like, and they, on the surface of everything else, like they were fine.

Tina (: 12:19

Right.

Robb (: 12:19

But then you find out, they did this and this and this. And you're like, holy bejeezus. Like you just don't realize what that does to the human psyche. know, like I said, I had a friend that gambler, her husband was a gambler and it was just, you know, every paycheck she was wondering if they were going to get half of it, none of it, or it ends up being four times the amount.

Tina (: 12:47

Wow.

Robb (: 12:48

Yeah, I could not imagine, you know, and maybe that's just the single guy in me where I was like, you know, worried about, you know, paying the rent and bills and eating and my son getting food, you know, everything like that. And that could be that's why, because that's how I'm just built. But.

Tina (: 13:05

Right.

Robb (: 13:12

Yeah, I couldn't imagine. And I know several people who've been with addicts like drug addicts or alcoholics. And that's a whole, you know, whole other monster. But those are, I think, things that I've been asked, you know, on on dates that I've been on in the last couple of years, you know, you know, because let's say you go and get dinner and you get a drink. People would literally ask me, like, how much do you drink? Oh, wow, that's a

Tina (: 13:41

Nobody believes, nobody has ever believed that I really am not a drinker. And they're like, oh come on, you know, I'm like, well, it's not that I haven't tried it. I've tried several things. I just don't like it. And I don't need that to be anything. But if you want to drink, go ahead. You got a designated driver. But it's funny how people like, never? Are you in AA? And I'm like,

No, never needed to be. I don't drink. So I get that the flip side of that is like they don't believe that somebody, and I don't drink coffee either. So they're like, what the hell is wrong with you? You know, you don't drink two adult beverages at all. What the hell? But yeah.

Robb (: 14:13

Right. Right. That's pretty funny though, because like I heard that

Same exact thing for. Well, you know the first 30 something years of my life, almost 40. So and then obviously like I do drink now and I drink coffee and coffee. It's only been the last. Maybe four years. So yeah, so it is. Yeah, so like I totally understand.

Tina (: 14:42

yeah, yeah.

Tina (: 14:53

Wow. So you were like me too.

I get, are you sure you weren't a drinker? And I'm like, yeah, I'm definitely sure. Thanks, yeah.

Robb (: 15:01

It is an odd thing. I now that I look at it from the outside looking in, you know what I mean? Like for that many years to hear like, you don't drink, you don't drink. It's like, no, I don't. So it is odd. But again, these are definitely things that, you know, come up.

Tina (: 15:19

Yeah.

Robb (: 15:30

You know, and look, if here's the thing, if you're an alcoholic, most people who are recovering alcoholics will tell them, you know, very quickly, you know, like, I don't think that that's too much information. I think that's something that is probably a good thing to hear. Correct. And it affects them on a huge level. You know, when you're

Tina (: 15:49

Well no, because that affects them daily, so...

huge level for sure.

Robb (: 15:59

When you're fighting some kind of demon, yes, that is definitely not the thing you want to hide. I think that a lot of people, if you have a problem like that, probably hide it if you're not recovering. Although I guess if you...

Tina (: 16:13

Right?

Tina (: 16:26

I think, I think you're right. But the funny thing is, they think they're slick and they think they're hiding it, but in reality they're not hiding it at all. Cause I've seen that so many times.

Robb (: 16:29

You meet somebody in a bar. Right, you know, and look. I will tell you, at least from friends that I've. You know, have I'm friends with that have told me things about people that they ended up with. Like if you meet somebody in a bar.

and they're partying, you're probably with somebody who's gonna party all the time. You know what I mean? Like, or, and this goes across the board and I'm talking about like, it's like if you meet somebody generally at let's say a sports bar, they're there and they have a jersey on and they're watching football, they probably watch football every Sunday, so you can't be shocked. You know, and I see that a lot or...

Tina (: 17:22

Right. Unless you're oblivious, you're not paying attention to, to like major things that are happening.

Robb (: 17:29

Well, right. And look, I'm not a huge sports fan. I love hockey and I watch hockey and I tell people I'll I'm probably going to watch hockey during the season. So don't be shocked. Like, you know, just let's be, you know, pretty firm with it. And look, when people met me when I was young. Not only was I a wrestler,

Tina (: 17:44

Yeah.

Robb (: 17:57

I watched a lot of wrestling. So like I used to have a friend who and I used to have a friend who came over every single Monday. And he did it from when I was like. Let's see, I think my dad love like I was probably 18 years old and he did it until I was 38 or 40 every Monday. While I was married.

Tina (: 18:00

You did.

Robb (: 18:26

while I had girlfriends, whatever it was, it was just what we did every Monday. But I had warned everybody. Girl, I was dating. I don't know about piss off. They probably just thought it was weird. And look, I mean, and when I say every Monday, I mean, did we skip? Yes, we obviously we did. But like mostly, yes.

Tina (: 18:33

That's cool.

Tina (: 18:37

And did it piss off anybody?

Tina (: 18:44

He

Robb (: 18:54

No, because like even my girlfriend at the time she was okay with it. My ex-wife just was like, okay, this is just what we do. And it was like once a week and then every blue moon like on a Sunday for a pay-per-view. I'd have like a lot of people come over because at that time I had a black box so we could watch all the pay-per-views for free. So yeah, you know, I was just the...

Tina (: 19:18

Nice.

Robb (: 19:20

I was the one who had one and it just kind of happened to be that way. So yes, I would say that, you know, some things just happen that way, but I tried in those relationships to make sure that I said things like that because it is odd, you know, when you say like, Hey, just so you know, my friend's been coming over for, for 20 years and

Tina (: 19:49

All right,

Robb (: 19:49

You know, he's still coming. Yeah. And it wasn't, you know, even even after my son was born, he would still come over and hang out and. Yeah, I would sit on the couch with a bottle. I Just, you know, that's just what we did. And and look, at the end of the day, I think that that's, you know. The right amount of information. Is there too much information? Yes, I'm.

Tina (: 20:05

Yeah.

Robb (: 20:20

I'm sure that I have probably said things on dates that I probably shouldn't have or yeah. And, look, and I'm sure I've been told things that I went, like, and I probably didn't do it live and in person, but I definitely put it, put it in the bank of the ride home. It was like, that was odd. And, or that went.

Tina (: 20:26

Everybody does

Tina (: 20:47

Right?

Robb (: 20:49

Weird. But I mean, look, I mean, it's difficult. I think that's the biggest part of it. It's just a hard thing because you want to be honest with people, right? You want to make sure that you're not withholding information or because that's I think that's the worst thing to hear. You know, in two months where you're where now you're like you like somebody.

Tina (: 20:51

You

Tina (: 21:02

right?

Robb (: 21:18

And, or you both like each other and then someone has to drop this, you know, bomb on it. That's to me, that's worse. It was like, okay. And then, then you have to decide what it is you're going to do. You know, am am I going to stay with this person? Do I really want to deal with.

that Because it's you know, assuming that it's a lot. I mean I can see where someone might just be like yeah, that's way too much I can't I can't deal with that or don't want to deal with it and then it sucks because you have Got to a point where you're like now you like this person and you're in a rough spot of how far do I want to go? Do I really want to do this? Do I have to deal with this every day? No, it's

Tina (: 22:15

Right.

Robb (: 22:18

It's deep and it sucks because once you have feelings for somebody it is difficult to just turn them off. So I don't know if there's... Look, I guess there is too much information. I can't say that there's not because there is. There is too much information. I don't need to know that you were, you know, part of an orgy.

Tina (: 22:30

I agree.

Robb (: 22:47

Just those are things that now, okay. Yeah, no, but here's the flip side. guess if you're trying to meet somebody that you're in some kind of scene with, then I guess you kind of have to do that as well. I guess it just all matters to what you're looking to do and what you're looking for. And I think that's with everything, right? Like you definitely...

Tina (: 22:47

Yeah. Wait, you don't want to know that? Why would you not want to know that?

Robb (: 23:16

You definitely want to make sure that they're compatible with you. You know, if you're if you're into some weird shit, you might want to say, you know, soon. Because that's even worse.

Tina (: 23:22

Right.

Tina (: 23:28

Yeah, but I think I think everybody pushes everything too quickly So they put it out there within the first couple of days all these crazy shit that they've done and then You know, they're like but I'm I'm normal and and you know There's nothing wrong with me and no, I don't want to do that anymore I'm like, but you've talked about doing it your whole life. What makes you think it's gonna stop now? You know

Robb (: 23:55

Right, right. That's a good point. Because...

Tina (: 24:00

I think that it would not be smart to...

Tina (: 24:08

Believe that. You know what I mean? If it's something that somebody's done for a long time, you have to know that that's a part of who they are. And you need to think long and hard if it's something that bothers you, if you could continue to deal with it. Because chances are, they're going to keep doing whatever it is that they said they do.

Robb (: 24:27

Yeah, or it's going to pop back up later on and then ruin your relationship.

You know what I mean? Like, I was into this the whole time. It's like, why don't you just, why don't you just tell me? But again, if you would have just told me from the beginning, we probably wouldn't be in this relationship. It's definitely a double-edged sword. I you find yourself, you just find yourself in some pretty wild predicaments. Like,

Tina (: 24:35

Good.

Robb (: 25:01

I'm just guessing and I don't know. I don't know anyone who's ever had this happen, but I'm sure that this would be one that would really just kind of. And derail a relationship where if you didn't tell the person that you. Had a baby with somebody else. Like knowingly, like let's say you're a dude and you're with somebody and you're having this great relationship. But you have a kid.

with another baby mama, you just don't bring it up and then later on that comes up. I could see that being a serious derailer. Do you know what I mean? Like there's just some shit you gotta bring up. know, like probably a good idea that we bring this up.

Tina (: 25:37

That could be bad, right? That could be bad.

Tina (: 25:50

I have a friend that has a baby but didn't know until they got something in the mail saying that they had a baby. It was from the person that they had the baby with. And for the last, I would say...

Tina (: 26:16

37 years, they have not seen the kid and current relationships don't even know that the person exists. That would be scary for me because I would be the one worrying that every knock on the door where you don't know if somebody was coming over, every time somebody knocked, who was gonna be on the other side of the door?

Robb (: 26:18

shit.

Robb (: 26:43

Yeah. Yeah, see that?

Tina (: 26:45

Yeah. And then to not tell, not tell the current relationship that you're kind of asking for it.

Robb (: 26:56

Yes, well, that's kind of how I see it. You're really just, I mean, you're just really asking for something really, really bad to happen.

Tina (: 27:12

But I want, I would, if I was in this situation, I would want to know that there's somebody that could be knocking on our door. But here's the deal. If you're with somebody that you feel like can't, you can't talk to like that, what do you do then? You know, like, I still say you should say something. Like that's just a given.

Robb (: 27:35

Yes, I think you should say something. Regardless, mean mostly in that one. Because you're talking about someone who might come into your life out of nowhere. You know, mostly if you know about it, you shouldn't like I think hiding children is would just be like the worst thing ever. You know what I mean? Like you just can't do it. Yeah, I just yeah, you can't.

Tina (: 27:45

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 28:00

Right?

Robb (: 28:03

You're just asking for major league problems. yeah, mean, like I said, I think that there's a certain amount of information that you should probably keep to yourself. I think your sexual past is something that can always come back to bite you. It just is. Yeah.

Tina (: 28:24

Yeah, it's good to minimize the amount that you're gonna say about that. That's just... That's just... Smart.

Robb (: 28:32

Look, it's kind of like asking, it's kind of like asking the girl that you like what her number is. Right? Like, what's your number? You could because Chris Rock did the greatest set on that ever. Because there's there is no right number, right? Like you could go you could go to the girl and be like, you know, how many people have you had sex with? And she's like,

Tina (: 28:40

Yeah, that shouldn't be happening.

Robb (: 28:58

Three and you're gonna be like three three. my god Because there's no right number if it's not you the numbers wrong you know what mean, so like those are things that you just shouldn't ask and and I'll give you an example. I had a list one time written down in a notebook of of all the people that I had been with and and

Tina (: 29:08

Right?

Tina (: 29:22

I know.

Robb (: 29:27

someone else found said list and started you know asking me about it and it's just like yeah there's just no right number you know it's just you know because we all have a past

Tina (: 29:42

I don't think that that's right to even say anything or even ask that. What if, say for instance, you really like somebody, right? And you're like, oh, she's such a great girl and blah, blah, blah, and she's wholesome and everything. And you ask what her number is and she says 52. Do you really want to know that it's 52? I don't want to know if it's 52. I want to know, are you healthy?

Robb (: 30:09

No, that's... Right, yeah.

Tina (: 30:11

Let's talk about that. Are you healthy? Is there anything I need to know that would put me at jeopardy? I'd rather hear that than, slept with 52 girls. I don't want to hear that.

Robb (: 30:25

Right, because that's what I'm telling you. There's no right number. Well, at this age, at this age, if someone said five, I think you've done all right.

Tina (: 30:29

Yeah, but I mean, if somebody said five, I don't think I'd blink an eye.

Yeah.

Tina (: 30:41

Are you lying? No, I didn't.

Robb (: 30:43

Yeah, I mean, exactly. I would question them telling the truth or not. But then you might end up with somebody who got married out of high school and like literally they've only been with two people. Yeah, so like, yes, it could be, it's definitely deceiving.

Tina (: 30:47

Excuse me.

Right?

Tina (: 30:58

married for 35 years, yeah.

Tina (: 31:08

But I don't want to hear that high of a number to be honest with you.

Robb (: 31:13

Don't ask. That's, I solved that problem. right. No, because again, it's a no win situation. You will never win no matter what you do.

Tina (: 31:15

I don't either.

Tina (: 31:19

I've also said I don't talk about that. We're not going to go into that. It's not going to benefit anybody to know what my number is or for me to know what your number is.

Robb (: 31:42

Like I said, even at our age, well, look at our age, if you said five, I'd be like, wow, that's pretty good. Yeah, I would probably question it for sure. Unless I knew their past. You know what I mean? If I knew like, because I know people who've been married a long ass time, like right out of high school, and they probably really only been with five people and they're 50 something years old.

Tina (: 31:49

A liar.

Tina (: 32:00

Yeah.

Tina (: 32:07

brain.

Tina (: 32:12

But their story should match on that, you know?

Robb (: 32:15

Right, well, that's what I mean. And it does. And you're like, oh, like, because then I think you question your own number, right? You're like, oh, shit, five. was, I had that by the time I was 19. You know what I mean? You you start questioning that part of yourself. I think that's why a lot of people don't want to know the number because you question yourself.

You know, you go, holy shit, man, this person's only been with 10 people. She's 50 years old. I've been with 38. You're like, what the fuck? What did I do wrong? You know what I mean? like, or then you start questioning like, okay, maybe if I had one person a year, you know what I mean? Like, start like, hey, is one person a year bad? Like if I've, you I was married for 10 and then you start doing all kinds of weird arithmetic.

Tina (: 33:11

I don't even pay attention to that to be honest. don't... I don't,

I don't even know if you- if somebody was to ask me right now, I'd have to really think about it. Cause I don't keep... I don't keep a list, like you said.

Robb (: 33:26

I mean, like I said, like I said, I used to, but I haven't done it in a long time. But I should probably, I should probably sit down and do it again just for my own. I did have someone ask me something that was kind of funny though.

That if you, I think I talked about it on last week's podcast, that if you sleep with somebody from your past, do they get a new slot, you know, a current slot? And I was like, no. Yeah, I go, you only get one number. Like if we had sex, you know, 10 years ago, then that, and we have sex again now that you still count as the same person. Yeah, I guess so.

Tina (: 33:51

They do not get a change in number. Their number is their number. You only get one number. It's not a deli.

Tina (: 34:06

You could say number 3.2. Like, you're on your second round maybe? I don't know.

Robb (: 34:11

Right. Yeah, you're right. You'd have to like, it'd have to be to the second power, but you're definitely not getting a new slot. You don't become number, you know, 46. You're still, you know, 40. That's just where you're at. So I thought that was kind of an interesting thing, but, and again, you know, at the end of this conversation that we're about to have,

Tina (: 34:17

Yeah.

Tina (: 34:27

You

Robb (: 34:39

I think that there is too much information that you can tell somebody. Because we as humans will judge you regardless. We just do our best not to or judge you the least we can in our own mind. Because if you're really, really, really, really, really, really, really like somebody, you're going to be able to take their past and make it work for you. You just are, that's just reality.

Tina (: 34:44

For sure.

Robb (: 35:08

you're going to look the person in the eye and go, I don't care what you did in your past, that's your past, and we can move on from it and it doesn't matter. Now, are they gonna bring part of that past with them? Absolutely.

Tina (: 35:16

Absolutely. But, but if you're really, but if you're really going to love somebody, you have to allow that because they're going to bring every, every lesson, every situation that they've been through to the table, every single one. So you have to, you have to, if you love them, you have to accept it. You may not like the fact that they slept with over 50 people, but

If that's what you guys want to talk about and that's what you want to find out you got to be ready to have the answer or find it to accept the answer you know because I Don't think you should ask things you're not ready to hear the truth for and you shouldn't want somebody to lie because you can't handle What they're gonna say that doesn't make sense to me

Robb (: 35:56

You

Robb (: 36:09

That's absolute. If you're going to ask somebody, you have to be ready for the real answer.

Tina (: 36:14

But my real answer in a lot of things is I don't want to talk about that with you. You know, that's not who I am with you.

Robb (: 36:22

No, no here I got a question for you just how you said it that way and I think that this is something if If someone asked if you asked somebody and they said I would rather not tell you how would you take that?

Tina (: 36:37

I'd be like, you were a big fat ho. That's what I would think. Like, that's just me. I'd be like, you a ho for show.

Robb (: 36:47

No, but in the end, here's the thing though, like if you're gonna say that to somebody, do you think that they are gonna think the exact same thing? Okay.

Tina (: 36:55

Absolutely, but it's still none of their business. It's still not something that I want to bring up. Like, I don't think you need to come to the table and dump all of the shit out of your purse. You know what I mean? It's like in front of somebody. You just shouldn't do that. Like, there should be a sense of...

Tina (: 37:17

There's just some things you just shouldn't share. It's just not gonna make somebody a better person knowing what it is, or it's not gonna make your situation any better. So why put that out there? I'd rather just say, you know, maybe later on down the line, 10 years from now, when you're talking and they know you and they have some idea of who you are as a person, and then you say that, then...

who cares you know they know you for who you are now not for who you were then

Robb (: 37:52

Right.

I think that that's kind of a I think it's a hit or miss thing with people. You know, if you're taught, if you're very open about most things and you get to a question and they go, I'd rather not talk about that. Could that be a deal breaker? Absolutely. I think.

Tina (: 38:14

What's the deal breaker that they would want to even know that for me? I'm like, don't, it's none your business.

Robb (: 38:19

That's what I mean though. I think it's a two-way street for sure. But what I'm saying is, I think with some people that's a deal breaker. For me, I guess I would just be like, all right. I mean, unless it was something that I'd like.

Tina (: 38:23

Yeah.

Robb (: 38:35

I just had to know. Like, I think your sexual history as in medical history is kind of important. You know, not how many people you've been with, because man, you could have slept with two people and then ended up with herpes. So like, that's just something that could happen. You know what I mean? So.

Tina (: 38:43

Right?

Tina (: 38:50

Yeah.

And they should be honest with that too.

Robb (: 38:57

That's kind of what I mean. Like there's certain things that I think like you should just be honest with it. And look, are they gonna be deal breakers? Absolutely. That's just the reality of, you know, being in a relationship with somebody. But again, the other part, how many people you've been with and none of my business really. Just do your best not to bring, you know, that with you.

Tina (: 39:13

Yeah.

Tina (: 39:26

Yeah.

Robb (: 39:28

And I know that that's also something that is easier said than done. But, you know.

Tina (: 39:35

I think that if things come up in conversation and somebody really asks and you feel like you could trust them enough to tell them, tell them. You know, if there's like you talked about sexual abuse, I've had to have that conversation because I was abused when I was four years old. and you know, the person that I'm thinking about that actually asked about that said to me,

you know, does that affect you with your current, you know, love life? And I had to explain, and see now everybody's gonna hear this one. So one of the things that was brought up by an ex of mine was that I did not like to have fingers inside of me. And I didn't even know, I guess I tensed up, I moved to make something else happen.

I did whatever I had to do to not have that done to me. Now unbeknownst to me, I didn't even know I acted like that. And so when it was brought to my attention, I really had to think about when did that occur or that I didn't like something like that. And it went way back to when I was quite young and was molested.

Robb (: 40:34

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 41:02

I was asked about this in my 30s. So my whole existence before that, I was walking around with an issue I didn't even know I had. But once it was brought to my attention, I was like, oh, I'm going to have to think about this. I'm sorry that I pushed you away in that.

manner was apparently I know it has nothing to do with you but I'll work on it and then over the years I I put myself in the situation to to have that happen to or to have that done to me and worked through why I was pushing away and if you if you get to the point where you could work on things enough that that you could heal yourself

I suggest you try it. mean it took me took me till well into my 30s probably closer to 40 before I could handle that. But I worked on it and I didn't want to be a victim to it. I wanted to rise above. I wanted to get through this. I wanted to have a healthy sexual relationship and because I worked at it I was able to fix it. Now when people talk about abuse or ask me if I ever was

Robb (: 42:05

Right.

Tina (: 42:26

I don't come from a place where I'm a victim. And I think that that's a big deal. You have to work on not being a victim. Because if you're a victim, something's always being done to you. And abuse is something that you shouldn't keep making yourself a victim of. Like, try to fix what you can. Try to get over what you can. Because it's only gonna help the healthier sex relationship that you can have.

Robb (: 42:48

Right. you

Tina (: 42:55

the healthier your normal relationship, your everyday relationship is gonna be. now, funny thing is now I'm thinking I don't even have to talk about this. I'll just be like, at episode something, whatever the number is and you could see that I've, you know, you'll hear that I've been abused, but I don't look at it as being a victim anymore because you could victimize yourself by thinking that way. And I just don't.

I didn't want to be a victim the first time and I'm not going to continue to victimize myself. It happened when I was four and now I'm 54. So I would hope that people get over stuff like that. I mean, there are degrees of abuse and I get it. But if you try to get better or get healthier, I think that's a good thing. And sharing it in a way where you're not the victim is a good way of sharing it.

Robb (: 43:54

Mm hmm. I agree. And and look, you know, at the at the end of this pod. TMI is a is a very. The fine line, I think too much information. Can it be done?

Tina (: 43:56

if you so need to.

Robb (: 44:16

absolutely but I also think that there can be not enough said which I think is just as bad we all bring something to the table some of us bring fuck tons of luggage and some of us bring just a suitcase but at the end of the day you're still bringing something with you and

Tina (: 44:23

Yeah.

Robb (: 44:45

Whatever information you're willing to share with your either date, new mate, significant other, whatever it is, I think has to be taken with care and maybe walked on a little lightly. But.

Tina (: 45:06

Well, and also too, of what I didn't get to is, as your relationship progresses, you could go deeper into what you, what you you want to go into or what you've been through or whatever. I think that throwing, throwing it all on the table from the get go is the worst thing that you could do. Like let a person get to know you, get to know yourself. Like what, if you were going to have these conversations, what would you say?

And what do you want people to know? You just don't want to throw everything on the table and say, look, deal, rifle through this and deal with it. That doesn't make sense to me.

Robb (: 45:45

Well, it just doesn't work out very well, you know you Mm-hmm. Yeah, some people aren't ready for that some people you can

Tina (: 45:49

No. I think relationships that start really quickly burn out just as fast. So, you know, it's okay to not throw it on the table. Like, give things time. Let somebody get to know you. Get to know them. See if there's somebody that's worthy of listening to that story. Because not everybody is.

Tina (: 46:12

It's true.

Robb (: 46:15

You can easily finish a relationship by saying the wrong thing Yeah, it's like I said, it's it's a very fine line on What you're going to do how you're gonna say it when you're gonna say it and I think that that's all a voluntary thing like No, just no I think for me just knowing that

Tina (: 46:22

Absolutely.

Robb (: 46:42

If you hide something too long it can be detrimental. And if you say something too soon it can be detrimental. There is a sweet spot. But you and hopefully you'll know when that sweet spot is. Right. Agree. I think that most of us know

Tina (: 46:58

Yeah, the opportunity will present itself and it'll present itself in a healthy way. And that's, I think, when you should be talking

Robb (: 47:12

When that that time is there And and look it's a feeling I mean, I think all of everything like that is a feeling, you know when does it's like saying I love you Too soon kiss of death too late kiss of death. There's a sweet spot in there somewhere You know, absolutely

Tina (: 47:23

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 47:34

Yeah, there is definitely. And it's different with every relationship too.

Robb (: 47:41

Absolutely, you know, and and and that's like the most one of the most important things you can ever say to somebody. And, you know, so you can you can definitely say it too soon. I've been there. Where? Shouldn't have said that. Yeah, me too. I've been in both.

Tina (: 47:51

Yeah.

Tina (: 47:57

I've been there where you could say it too late even.

Robb (: 48:05

I've been absolutely been in both where you know too soon they're like whoa and then too late they're like shit yeah or

Tina (: 48:06

Yeah.

Tina (: 48:16

Should have did it when you could have, yeah.

Robb (: 48:19

Yeah, that's exactly it. You should have did it when you could have, you know, so any last words? And Sam drop him. you

Tina (: 48:28

There's so many things I could say think think about think about what you're saying Especially when the relationship is new like you want to put your your best face out there but you also want to be authentic and and Think about what you're saying before you say it and ask yourself is this person has this person

Worthy of hearing what I have to say and and start with that like make sure that they're worthy because you don't want to be put in a situation where you're gonna be judged wrongly or Or you know there is something that they would use against you. You don't want that either so I Don't I don't think that you should hide everything, but I think there's a time and a place

Robb (: 49:23

I'll go with that. My thing is this, think everything you just said is absolutely right. The bigger thing for me is just be you. If you're you, you won't have to worry about almost any of that. Too many people wear masks.

Tina (: 49:25

Choose wisely.

Tina (: 49:37

Yeah.

Tina (: 49:47

Yep.

Robb (: 49:47

So if you're not wearing a mask and you are who you say you are, they're either going to like you or hate you for it and everyone else will be thinned out after that. So it's kind of a good way. You can check us out on all the social medias, Facebook, Instagram, X, whatever we're calling them. And you can check us out anywhere you listen to these podcasts.

Tina (: 50:01

Yep, I agree.

Robb (: 50:17

Spotify, Apple, you can check us out on pretty much anything else that you can listen to these things on. yeah, it's an opinion show. Don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. For Tina, I'm Rob. to you later. Bye.

Tina (: 50:36

See ya.