EP #157 When Cutting Off Family Becomes Necessary

Robb (: 00:01

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Twisted. I am Rob along with my co -host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

Tina (: 00:07

It's hot Rob, it is hot over this weather. It is! The pool is wonderful, but it's almost getting too warm. And I don't like walking where I feel like I'm melting.

Robb (: 00:09

It's, it is friggin' hot and

Robb (: 00:18

huh.

Robb (: 00:23

Yeah, and it's getting there. I went swimming on Sunday at my friend's house and She was like, it's kind of cold and I stuck my legs in and I was like, and then I went yeah This is beautiful and I just got in and I was like, she's like you're not cold I don't know now it's nice, but it's getting warm even the water is getting warm to where like you have to kind of get in and out of it just to Have it feel cold again

Tina (: 00:49

Well, what we've been doing is filling up the pool as we're in it so that it's cooling down while we're in it because it is kind of warm. It's not as warm as when it was in a summer in Havasu because when I go to Havasu in the summer, we get in the pool. It's crazy warm and that's a built in pool. Ours is only three feet deep all the way around.

Robb (: 00:53

Mm -hmm.

Robb (: 00:58

Yeah, she's kind of doing the same.

Robb (: 01:13

Mm -hmm.

Tina (: 01:15

Ours it makes sense to get warm, when Havasu gets that warm and we're keeping up with it, it's warm.

Robb (: 01:21

It's wild too, cause so my friend's pool has no shallow at all. It's seven feet all the way. It's very bizarre. So like when you're in it and you're swimming, like there's no rest for the wicked. Like you have to sit and like get off and get to the side. Cause you know, I haven't swam and well, I swam over there a couple of weeks ago and I was sore the next day. We didn't even go to the gym. So.

Tina (: 01:28

Hmm.

Robb (: 01:47

Today, we went Monday to the gym, but we didn't go today. I'm sore just from wading water. So, and then pulling myself in and out of the pool, I told her, go, man, I'm kind of sore. She's like, yeah, it's so, and this heat is not going anywhere. It's, if we're lucky by Sunday, it's supposed to be 88, at least where I live. So maybe some high 80s next week, but that has been changing, but it's been 90 for a month.

Tina (: 02:07

Mmm.

Tina (: 02:16

Yeah, easy. Eww. Everybody's his.

Robb (: 02:16

Like my power bill's out of control, so not fun. Yeah, yeah, mine said it was pushing, like, I looked at what it could be this month, it said 200 bucks. And I live in an apartment, so I know people with homes are out of control.

So, as always, I always like to ask friends ideas because they come up with some great ones out of nowhere. And I asked a friend of mine, hey, what do you think we should do? And she gave me a list, thankfully. But the first one was, is it okay to cut off family for good? And I think that's, I have a lot of friends who family are,

issues and she is having some issues with because of an ex and a brother being friends she's like I can't really talk to my brother anymore because it's becoming an issue and I guess that the

Robb (: 03:29

is a really bad one. Like really bad. Like no one should ever talk to him ever again bad. Yeah, so I think she's having some issues with, know, I mean obviously it's family and no, I don't think anyone ever wants to not talk to family again. But I can understand that if this person is

Robb (: 04:01

I don't know the whole story, so I don't want to get too deep and say that I know something about it, but I think that it's an abusive partner.

that if someone was doing that to my relative, like my sister, I would cut them off in a second. Because, you know, I believe that blood is thicker than water. And I have another friend who's not too far from me who has an issue with her daughter. And I have, or had a relationship with her family, her kids.

I, when I found out what she had said to her, I was like super disappointed and I was like, yeah, screw her. Like, I'm sorry, but what she said to you is not redeemable. And I said, I understand that if you would cut your daughter off and never talk to her ever again, because what she said to her was, was too far for me. So, and I thought of you during that same thing that,

Tina (: 05:05

I get it, and I've been there.

Tina (: 05:10

Thank

Robb (: 05:10

Look, there's certain things that once they're, look, words hurt way more than violence. And I know people don't like to hear that because in some ways they do. when someone says something to you that hurts you so bad, you can't come back from it. Even if you take them back, that's always going to be in your mind, kind of like a spouse or

Tina (: 05:27

Thank you.

Tina (: 05:33

Yeah. It's almost like a heartbreak. Like

I know that I could take a lot from a lot of people and I put up with a lot of everybody's shit and it's okay. I don't mind it. But once they do whatever it does that just puts the knife in my heart, there's really no going back. It's like, no, you did that. And you don't understand, I'm still really good friends with my ex. you don't understand that. I still keep people around who've repeatedly hurt me.

Not to be close to them, but I don't write them off. Like it takes a lot to get me there. And once that happens, I'm just like, wow, I didn't think that anybody would be able to do it again. Because it does, you know, I don't work like that. But it's happened quite a few times. And when it does, it's really sad because there's nothing you could do that's gonna bring a feeling of goodness back.

Robb (: 06:37

Correct. Look, there's scars that we all build. And I think when family does something that really cuts deep, you always see the scar. Even if you take them back into the fold, there's always that lingering thing,

Can I trust them or are they gonna say something again? You know, not to speak weary of the dead, but my mom did something that, so when we were naming my son, she didn't like what we were going to name him. So she kept calling him by Robbie, like, because she wanted us to name him after me. And I,

and she sent a book to us, me and my ex -wife, that said that in it.

Robb (: 07:39

and my ex -wife lost her shit. And to be fair, she should have. So, obviously I backed my wife at the time because I also believed in it. Like, look, we're going to name my son this and we don't care if you like it. So I had to, I called my mother and told her those exact words.

Tina (: 07:42

Yes.

Robb (: 08:05

I don't care and this is your grandson and if you don't want to talk to us ever again, so be it. And I won't. And you can either call him by his name because he's your grandson or you can never see him. And I had to be very blunt with her. it took a little bit, a couple days, then she called me back and said, look, I'm wrong.

Tina (: 08:29

you

Robb (: 08:33

And you're right, it's my grandson and I want to be in his life. And I said, that's, we want you in his life. And never again did she bring it up. And she called him by his given name until she passed away and was probably very happy that she had him in because she got to see him and we went and visited her and lots of things. And whenever I did a video call, my boy would come in here and talk with her.

So look, you can get past certain things, but I also always remembered that she got a little edgy on me. But I also think that she had to understand that, look, she always saw me as the baby, or I'm her baby boy. I had to put her in check and say, mom, I'm an adult. I'm 30 -something years old at the time. You have to let this go. It's my son. And look, and thankfully it all worked out in the end.

But I always did kind of think I had that in the back of my mind. So when I hear these things from other people, you know, no one wants to cut off family. don't, at least I don't think so. No one purposely wants to. But unfortunately, some drive us to

Tina (: 09:49

Absolutely, absolutely. mean, they're, I have a huge family. There was a cousin that just passed away that I quit talking to, or she quit talking to me about 25 years ago. And I always wondered what it was about and then come to find out. My mom had said that she and I had fought about something and my cousin didn't like it. And so she just chose to not talk to me anymore. And then when my mom passed, she told me why she didn't want to

to me anymore. Well, just that my mom had said something, but she couldn't even remember it. And all those years wasted. I wasn't going to be close to her after all that. I had felt slighted for so many years and didn't know what the hell the problem was. That there was no, it's too late. You fucked it up. Or, you know, or an aunt that just, man, she's just got to be a dick no matter what you say or do. She's got

Robb (: 10:38

Yeah, you ruined

Tina (: 10:49

opinion that's none of her business and then she gets abusive and she acts like a fool and she says stupid shit how do you stick around somebody like that so I had to cut I had to cut an ant off like just just that easy like I don't I don't wish anybody bad I just wish them away from me just do you do whatever you're gonna do just not around me yeah

Robb (: 11:11

Yeah, that's the perfect way of saying it. Like I don't have ill will on anyone. But I understand when things are said or things are done that cut so deep that, look, I know my friend would jump in front of a car for her daughter.

Tina (: 11:18

Mm -mm.

Tina (: 11:35

Mm -hmm, of course.

Robb (: 11:36

But that being said, the things that she said to her now are just something that is...

Robb (: 11:50

It was said to be hurtful. Like, and with purpose. And those are the things where like, I don't think it was said out of like anger, know, when they're both saying something to each other. This was something that was, to me, and I don't know, but to me, the way it was said was that it was thought out. Like,

Tina (: 11:53

Yes.

Tina (: 11:59

Mm -hmm.

Robb (: 12:19

I'm going to say this to you because I want you to understand that this is, like I want to hurt you. And to me, there's no going back from that. And I still think she would help her. And if something came up, she'd be there for her because, but I think that, but I think that now there's going to always be a broken bridge between them. Like I would, I'll help you with something cause I, you're my daughter and I will help you no matter what.

Tina (: 12:32

That's what moms do.

Robb (: 12:47

but I'll never give you that 100%. It's always gonna be 80. You know what I mean? And again, I'm only saying this through how I see it. There might be a different lens for my friend and I'm sure we'll talk about it because she listens to the show. But I think that there is something to that. And my other friend who is having problems with her brother, I think that

Tina (: 12:52

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm. I totally do.

Robb (: 13:14

This is cutting even deeper because the person who he's friends with, I think abused her and that's blood. He did something very, very bad. Yes, I think everyone in the family knows

Tina (: 13:25

Does he know that? So back when I was much younger.

the first boyfriends I had we got into a physical altercation. They caused us to break up and everything and my brother blamed me for that. It must have been something he fucking said that was stupid and he had to give it to you. That was more or less what my brother had said and I was like what a dick you know how can you say that but I don't know he did and that was the way it was but

Robb (: 13:49

Right.

Tina (: 14:00

over time as we've gotten older and we've grown up and stuff, no, he's more now he's my ride or die. But when we were younger and stupid and you don't have, you know, you don't have exactly everything right or you, you know, you just say stupid shit to say stupid shit to hurt somebody not even meaning it. You gotta, you know, you got see this is a thing with family like I've had to cut off family for

Robb (: 14:17

Mm -hmm.

Tina (: 14:26

for 30 years and then all of a sudden they want me to cut their hair. And I'm like, are you crazy? Like who in the hell would do that? Yeah, they're insane. That's exactly what it is. And then they come in and I do their hair and I'm nice to them and I charge them full price and they leave and they're happy and I'm happy. And the family is glad that nobody had to go to the emergency room and life is good. Because no, seriously, when I was younger,

Robb (: 14:32

Mm -hmm.

Tina (: 14:56

I sent many of my cousins to the emergency room. But in my defense, they were all doing stupid shit like stealing from me or breaking my stuff or just being, you know, going to the liquor store down the street and they're stealing shit and then I get in trouble for it. they deserved their ass kickings, trust me. But and I haven't talked to a lot of them or I was not close to a lot of them for many years. And now I talk to them and now on social

Robb (: 15:15

All right, it happens.

Tina (: 15:26

we stay close and you know, everybody says forever, like just never talk to them forever, but life changes and so do you and your feelings will change and you start to see that life gets shorter and shorter so you'll make time for the people that you once loved. But I don't think that your opinion changes until they prove otherwise. Like you'll always have your guard up, you'll always be getting ready for the next

kicking. I go to family events that I actually plan and I'm like, let's hope I don't have to beat a bitch. Like, let's just hope everybody reacts well at this thing and there's no traumas and dramas and because it's annoying. It's annoying to have to deal with that. And I don't want to see like a third of the people that are at my family reunion, but I don't act like a fool.

Robb (: 16:09

Mm -hmm.

Tina (: 16:25

Just don't look at those people. Stay away from them. Go away. Exile them out of your life. That may be a little much.

Robb (: 16:28

Yeah, and I

And I think so for my friend down the street, you know, she is still around some of those family things and it's and it's super uncomfortable for her, you know, because she's. You know, you end up feeling alienated, right? Because now there's a much larger story about this, but let's just say that that side of the family now alienates her and she feels bad because she has grandkids and everything.

Tina (: 16:58

Think of this like the grandkids don't know anything of it and the grandkids are hanging out with her and doing whatever and and all the kids are going to see exactly what the truth is in the experiences they've had with her and everything will everything will be okay. Let whoever wants to say whatever they want to if you know if somebody wants to judge you fucking give him something to think about like I will be like you here going to judge that will wait. I could do

Robb (: 17:11

sooner

Tina (: 17:28

better than that one. Judge this. Be like that. Don't don't listen to their shit and and then sit back and watch because people say things all the time and they can't follow through with what they the judgments they place on you. So just go with that. Remember that and if family's got a problem with what you did, well, they should look in the mirror or in the closet or wherever they got to look because in my family, I didn't know that we had anyone

Perfect.

Robb (: 18:00

I agree with you with the look, there's skeletons everywhere. You open clauses, some of them will fall on you. It's not just one in there, it's many, many. So I do agree with you. I think that you, mean, and again, I haven't been around her in this situation, so I can't tell you. I'm assuming she's very strong -willed and makes it known. Like she's not one to make it look like she's down.

Tina (: 18:07

Mm -hmm.

Tina (: 18:29

Thank you.

Robb (: 18:29

which I think is also a good thing. Sometimes you have to wear a mask in front of the people that don't like you and make sure they know you're okay, even though you might not be. And I think for my other friend, I think at some point you just have to tell the brother, like, look, I love you, but, you know.

Tina (: 18:40

Mm -hmm.

Tina (: 18:51

You don't even need to make a declaration. Just don't be around him. You know, just distance yourself.

without causing any ruckus because really do you need any more? You don't just cut the ties. Stay away. You don't you don't need to declare him dead to the world. You don't need to like say I'm never ever because when you say that you just sound stupid because you're going to end up doing something in the future because that's just the way the never ever works and then and and just stay back. Stay back and think you know I'm okay to give

Robb (: 19:18

Exactly. Mm -hmm. It's very true.

Tina (: 19:28

little space with these people. I'm okay to not deal with their bullshit and you know what I'm happier because I don't have all their negative bullshit attached to me now. Just walk away from it and yeah I don't know.

Robb (: 19:42

I do like what you say about not declaring it. Like there's no need.

Tina (: 19:47

Everybody in my family declares all their bullshit, right? And they always say forever and ever like never whatever like and then ten years down the line They're like the best of buddies or somebody's crying at the others funeral like all the bullshit You know what I mean? Just like stuff that people do and I always think You know, I'm I'm pretty much a literal person. So I Just don't I don't put myself in a place where I'm like, you

ever, ever, but I'll be like, I ain't gonna forget. That I do know. I'm not gonna forget. And you'll see how I feel by the distance I give.

Robb (: 20:31

Yeah, and I think that, like you said, I think if you can fall back a little bit, my thing too is you pick and choose the events that you're gonna go to. Some things are important, and I say that no matter what you go and fuck everybody, I don't care. And then there's things that you have to kind of step back from and go, it's not that important, and everyone will be okay if I don't go.

Tina (: 20:44

Mm -hmm, for sure.

Robb (: 21:00

because it's better for your own mental health. Like why put yourself in that situation if it's not something important? So I think those are like, that's the first step as a person that you should do is go, okay, I'm gonna pick and choose. I know that this recital is very important. So I'm gonna go to that. But if I miss a baseball game, is it gonna kill, is it gonna, you know, is it really, again, if you're just having a bad day, if you can make it, you make it because that's the right thing to do. And it's good for everybody involved.

Tina (: 21:05

Right?

Robb (: 21:29

But if you're having one of those days where you're just like, don't feel like, you know, putting clothes on, nevertheless, going and doing something. And we all have those days. I mean, I made a joke to my friend this morning that like we went, we didn't go to the gym today. And she texts me and she's like.

man and she goes I just want to stay in bed all day and I was like literally on my couch dozing off this morning and I was like yeah me either I could just sit lay on lay in bed all day long because we all have those days I think you have to take that kind of feeling sometimes when you do have time and go yeah I'm not doing this today I'm not dealing with this person I'm not dealing with that everyone can fuck off because you need to

As for the problem, I think with cutting off family, the only, the bigger problem. So let's say in my friend's case, her and her daughter are at odds. Well, there's still two other kids involved. So now, and where they line up with their sister is a whole other problem. you know, and in her case, it's not a big problem because they see sister for who she is.

But I'm looking at it from the dynamic of maybe another person where, you know, maybe you have three sisters. One of them is with mom because says fuck her. Like she's horrible. And then, but you have another sister who's like still in working, not working, but on both sides of the fence or like, you know, I see both sides. So that's when things start getting like very bizarre or come holiday time. I think holidays are where

real things start becoming very evident where, know, let's say you used to do Thanksgiving dinner all the time and now everyone's going over to the daughter's house because she invited everybody and the alienation part starts really setting in where you have to kind of step back and go, okay, look, you can't let that destroy you because that it is what it is and

Robb (: 23:49

what you need to just jump, I would jump on certain things and go, okay, well, if that's what we're doing Christmas at my house, know, sometimes you have to take back some of that and go, look, you know, we're doing this or however you wanna do it. That's gotta be the hard part for me and probably for my friend as well where the brother, you know, come holiday season, I'm assuming that the family gets together. She kind of has a well -rounded family. That's where, those are the hard parts for me is when,

Tina (: 23:58

Mm -hmm.

Tina (: 24:18

If she has a well -rounded family and the family is good and there's not any strife in it, don't make it.

Robb (: 24:18

things that

Tina (: 24:26

Don't freaking make strife. Seriously, to your friend, I'd have to say, just don't deal with them. Be in the same room, pretend like he doesn't exist, minimize what you have to deal with him, and do what you have to do to keep the family together, because once it starts falling apart, it falls apart really quickly, and people tend to resent everybody at that point, you know, and then families just don't ever work right. If you got a good family, just like, and I get it, your brother should not

Robb (: 24:37

and then go.

Tina (: 24:56

taking anybody's side but yours. However, he's got a difference of opinion and we're all supposed to be able to have those. So just stay away from him, but be around your family because that is important.

Robb (: 25:11

I think that in a perfect world, we would all have everyone together and we would never cut off anyone. But like you just said, we're people and differences of opinions lead people to not talk or talk. My thing is I understand. I guess in the wider range of things,

I do my best not to cut off anyone, but if certain things were said to me, I could probably do it quite easily because I want my sanity and peace to be above, you know, a lot of things. It's hard enough, right? Life is hard enough as it is. You don't need that strife in your life going, you know, well, she said this and he said that and this. And all of sudden you're being bombarded with

Tina (: 25:57

Mm -hmm.

Tina (: 26:03

sure.

Robb (: 26:08

with all these certain things where it's just like, look, I'm having enough trouble getting up in the morning and getting to work because life's shitty right now. So I think that there is a lot to that. And I think you should work on it, obviously, but if you have to, I say, I have no problem with it. And I think that your peace and sanity is well worth it. You look at,

It's kind of like you and your ex. I think if something went sideways, for whatever reason, going forward. I know you guys have a really good relationship and that's good. But if something did go sideways, I think that you would understand that if you had to cut them off, you would. Do you know what I mean? And it's kind of like me and mine. I rarely talk to my ex -wife now, because I don't have to. My son's very old.

Tina (: 26:47

Mm -hmm.

Tina (: 26:56

Mm -hmm. Mm -hmm.

Robb (: 27:05

But during that time of, you know, between six and 18, you know, I did my best to make sure things were at least good, right? So then there was no, I didn't want the, because I had seen so many people in divorces with children that go to sideways. So I did my best to keep the peace, but make sure

when I needed to be a little harder or say something, it didn't come out horrible. Because I was like, hey, because I didn't want to have to be that person to where we only cut each other, we cut each other off unless it was like, he needs shoes, buy him shoes. And that was it. Because I've seen, you know, like we had good drop offs. Like in the beginning, we dropped off at a neutral site,

once things got moving forward, like I would go and drop him off at her house and it would not be a big deal. And then we had good conversations during that time of like, hey, he's doing this and I need this and he's gonna need some pants and whatever it was. So once, and then that's like just marriage. I've never had to do it in my family only because my family is kind of small.

Tina (: 28:08

Mm -hmm.

Robb (: 28:31

but I could see where it could go sideways very quickly. I'm sure if either of my brothers at some point said something crazy, I would probably tell them, like, I don't care and this is the way it goes. But I'm also 50, so like, I think my tolerance level at anything right now is very, very low of, I'm just not gonna take shit anymore. It's not worth it to my mental health and, you know.

whatever it is. So it doesn't, it ages us more is what it does. It just makes you feel shitty every day and you know, want to move forward. But if I had to cut them off to make sure that I didn't feel shitty every day, I'd do the same thing. I can just go, okay, sorry, you know, time to move on. Like it is what it is. And hopefully you can build a bridge to where you have some kind of relationship, but it doesn't, it'll never be the same.

Tina (: 29:03

And what good does it do you? It doesn't.

Robb (: 29:31

once you pass a certain line in the sand, it won't be the same. And like I said, with my mom, I did my best to keep that line from moving too far forward. I really cut it off quickly because I wanted to nip it in the bud before it got out of hand. But some people, no matter what you do, they've already made up their mind.

And that's kind of how I see my friend's daughter. She was the one who kind of drew a line, but the line was for something very stupid, where my friend was like, look, if you're mad over that, we're in trouble because it's silliness. And I think it had to do with she didn't like who she was dating and it went sideways. It's like, if you're that worried about who someone is with,

Tina (: 29:59

Mm

Robb (: 30:27

you're not ever going to be happy for anyone. Anyone. That means, yeah, because, well, and only that, do you really want that to come back on you at some point? That's kind of, you know, we've talked about it on here many times about how I feel about my son dating someone. It's none of my business. If I don't like her, I'm not gonna say anything. It's none of my business.

Tina (: 30:32

or in her own life.

Robb (: 30:55

I'm gonna be cordial every time I've ever met anyone who he's brought here. I'm the most cordial person in the world, even if I don't think she's right for him. I'm cordial, I say certain things. Now, here's the flip side of that. If I'm cordial and I say all these things and she's...

I hate to say nice, but not thankful for something. And again, I think it's a generational thing too. Kids don't talk anymore. But like he had a friend over and she was the nicest girl, said thank you for everything. Like was just super cool. And he had another person over who was just the most quiet person in the world. And even though I took him out to dinner and blah, blah, blah, it was like just very subdued. But I tried not to take that personally again. It is what it is.

But I think I would also want that back from him. If I dated somebody who he didn't like, I hope he would just go, that's on you, more power to you. And I think that that's where things get shady. With my friend and his brother, that's a whole, that's a different thing. And again, I don't know the whole situation,

Robb (: 32:16

It would be hard for me, I don't have a sister, but let's say I did. It would be hard for me to ever be friends with somebody who physically abused my sister. Matter of fact, I would probably go to prison the first time. So I would never be friends with them because I would beat someone within an inch of their life. There's people in my life right now who are close to me that if I found out that someone else had hurt them, I

Tina (: 32:34

Yeah.

Robb (: 32:45

Butcher them, I'm sure. My friend down the street said something to me one time about a guy she dated. And she goes, if I told you everything, you'd be over here right now. And I went, don't tell me. Because I snap when I see shit like that. So I think that that's a whole other thing. And I understand cutting off the brother. You're right. If you happen to be at the same place, you're a cordial, you make sure

things don't get out of hand, and then once you leave, you go, okay, you guys are on your own. Yeah, and times up, exactly. And I think that's what both of them should do. If you're in a situation with a person that you're cutting off or have cut off, you smile on their face, you make them feel like, like, I'm not, doesn't bother you, say your highs, see whoever you need to do, and when you leave,

Tina (: 33:19

You're done. Time's up.

Tina (: 33:36

It doesn't bother you.

Robb (: 33:43

Keep on

because I think that you'll live a lot longer and a lot happier.

Tina (: 33:47

Absolutely.

Tina (: 33:51

My dad, my aunt, I'll just say that my aunt is someone that has been cut off. She basically told somebody in the family that I was that she disowned me and I was like, Hey, thanks. Thank you. Fuck. That was like best present ever, you know, and so we have not spoken to each other in like 25 years. And I've seen her at

Robb (: 33:55

Mm

Robb (: 34:05

Yeah.

Tina (: 34:19

normally funerals, like she only comes around for funerals or whatever, but most of time. And so I see her and I'm just like, I still don't want to be around you. And I just walk away. Like there's no, there's no issue. I always think like maybe one day I'll want to like be friendly with her again. And I, every time I see her, I think is today the day. And I'm like, yeah, no, still not.

And it's that it's not, it's not out of meanness. I don't have any, I just don't have anything I want to share with her, nothing I want to give. And it's very, I don't know, I would hope, no I don't.

I wanted to say I would hope that one day it'll change, but I really don't, because she really made my life hard, and she was not nice, and she judged me so harshly, and I just couldn't make her freaking happy, and she always had to critique me in a negative manner, and I'm kind of over it. And what now? Like, what are going to say now?

Robb (: 35:33

Yeah, well, and I think that once you're there, it's much easier to, like you said, you go, no, not today. No. And the more you do that, the less you give a shit about ever doing it. And I think that that's where a lot of these things end up, where you're just like,

Tina (: 35:40

Yeah,

Robb (: 35:55

Yeah, you said these things and the way you acted after you said them stockpiled on the I don't give a shit part of me. And you get to a point where you're just like, I don't care anymore. I, yeah. And, remember what you did to me. So when you need me, you know, be careful. Because now, like I said, I'm not giving 100%, I'm giving 80. Or

Tina (: 36:08

Thank you, goodbye.

Tina (: 36:21

See, and I just don't put myself in a place where she would ask me. You know what I mean?

Robb (: 36:27

Correct. I'm talking about like...

Tina (: 36:28

I think like if it's a kid, if it's a kid, need to keep those doors open. It's your kid, right? But outside of that, like you should your parents just because you are from your parents and those are your parents and you got karma that you have to try to deal with with them and you should go through all the lessons that they have to teach you so you don't have to go through them harder somewhere else. I believe in that. But outside of that, I'm like, they shouldn't really matter. And if they matter so much and like if he said,

something or that struck a nerve, why is it striking your nerve? Like come on, just don't be around him. Don't listen to his shit. Just don't buy into it.

and be happy because we're not getting the days back. We just aren't. And I'm not saying that I'm good at this. I practice this. Like, you know about my aunt, it's taken me years to be able to be like that. Or how did not hurt so bad, you know, when my daughter doesn't talk to me or whatever.

Robb (: 37:15

Okay.

Robb (: 37:19

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Tina (: 37:32

You know, you get less hurt as the days go by because you get used to them not being around. So now who's hurting who? You know, they don't call me for help. Like that would be silly. Don't do that because you haven't been around. And I think people, because of the way I have my standards, they know better than to do that.

Robb (: 37:47

Yeah.

Robb (: 37:55

It's the very be careful what you wish for. Yeah.

Tina (: 37:58

Yeah, because I'll give it to you. I learned a long time ago that you do not beg anybody for their love. If they don't want to give it to you freely, it is not yours to have. And get away from those people.

Robb (: 38:11

Yeah, there's something to like, like you said, even parents. Sometimes you have to cut off your parents for for the health of a relationship that again, like let's say you're married. Sometimes you have to, if not cut them off, you have to be you have to build a very, very big wall so you can talk over it to them.

And even that is somewhat cutting people out of your life to where you're like, look, as long as you're still talking this crazy shit, I'm only hearing a little bit of it. And if you say something too crazy, I won't talk to you. And I've seen

Tina (: 38:55

I don't know how my ex put up with my mom, because my mom was such a... She was kind of a pain in the ass at the last part of her life, and it was her way or the highway, and most of us just let her do it because it was easier to just give her her way than it was to fight with her, you know? And I remember a few times, like, she did stuff that just kind of...

didn't sit well with my ex. Like one time she brought over these pigs and it's like, welcome to the, to the farmhouse or something that said on it. was like a little plaque, a little country type of plaque. And my ex was like, no, that's not coming over here. My mom's like, yeah, it is. And he's like, no, it's really not like that's not staying on my front porch, take it home. And they had, they had a little bit of a, a test of wills for a minute and she took it home.

Robb (: 39:38

No, right.

Tina (: 39:49

I was proud of him for holding his own because not too many people did with my mom. But he was like, hell no, is that going to be on my porch? It's not how we think and how we are. It's her shit. Take it home. my god, I remember laughing at that one. Yeah, go put it on your porch. And then there was, she did something some other time. And that time she wanted to push him to see how far she could push him.

Robb (: 40:03

Right. Yeah, put it on your porch.

All right.

Tina (: 40:17

He could have very easily have just said, no, I'm not going to deal with that bitch anymore, you know, because she was a pain to deal with. She wasn't easy to deal with. And he didn't though. He was like, no, I'm going to win. This is, this is now a little like a mini war, like a test of wills who's going to get, you know, and, it was fun to watch. So I was like, he's going to have to teach me something here because I fight with her hard. And then we go to our mutual corners and then, you know, I'll end up doing

Robb (: 40:33

Yeah, exactly.

Tina (: 40:47

so it's not in her yard, but it's not the way he did it. So I kind of liked watching how he dealt with her even though she put him through it. She did. But I don't think he minded it either. He kind of dug her, so.

Robb (: 41:01

Those are push comes to shove moments. And I think that those come in when you have to cut off family. It's sooner or later push comes to shove. like I said, I'm a believer that if you're willing to stand up to come to the push, you better be ready to get shoved back. And these are the things that I'm talking about, at least with my two friends, where I think her daughter shoved too hard and now...

Tina (: 41:03

Yeah.

Tina (: 41:09

Yeah.

Robb (: 41:29

she's gotten to a point where she's like, I can't deal with that anymore, because it's out of bounds. And everyone else, look, the long run, everyone loses, right? I think her grandkids are losing more than anything, because she'd see them every blue moon. She had told me that she hadn't seen them in a year at one point, which, shame on her daughter.

Tina (: 41:33

Yeah, it's none of her business. Yeah, it's out of balance.

Tina (: 41:42

Mm -hmm.

Tina (: 41:54

Shame on her daughter for keeping the kids from their grandmother. That is

Robb (: 41:59

Yep.

Tina (: 42:02

You are depriving them of lessons that only a grandmother could pass down to those kids. How dare she? That's a sad situation that she would do that to her own children because there is value in that relationship. I look at my grandmothers, I think of them all the time. I was with them constantly. All my friends knew them. Everybody was close to my grandparents. That's how close they were to me. And I think now that built so

character and that created such a loving bond that we had and how dare she keep her daughter from that and keep her kids from that actually.

Robb (: 42:40

Yeah, well, and I just think that, I just think that like, look, I understand like if you don't like the person she's dating, then make it happen a different way. Invite mom over only. And sometimes you're gonna have to tell, you know, whatever, whatever it is to keep people in your life. I think it's wrong, but, and you're just teaching your kids a horrible lesson that they're going

understand much later in life and then realize, you kept us from somebody for your own. It wasn't for us. was it was for

Tina (: 43:13

Well, listen.

My dad's ex says that then their relationships did not like me and I couldn't understand why I was hardly even there. And I was the one that got them together initially. So I'm like, wait, how did this end up being my fault? But it did. And I think to myself, well, you know what? I was sharing, I was doing my part. I was being as cool as I needed to be to bring you into this. But if you don't wanna be in it, get out. Just get out.

There's no hard feelings because I'm still gonna be his daughter. Like nothing changes. yeah, like, okay, so what? You just pushed yourself out of his life because you had a problem with me? That's silly.

Robb (: 43:50

Right. And I think that's the biggest thing.

Robb (: 44:02

Well, and then here's the bigger, here's the long -term issue. Let's say she's not with that guy anymore. She meets a new guy who's better. Now, do you just start bringing your kids around again because you are okay with the new person? It's like, no, that's not how life works. You don't get to pick and choose that now that you think everything's okay, you've done the damage. Now that bond is gone. So you have to be careful.

Tina (: 44:29

broken.

Robb (: 44:32

you know, who cuts off who and how. And once you do, you have to remember that some things cannot be fixed.

Tina (: 44:41

And it's so harsh to do things that way. Like it just doesn't, to me it doesn't make sense. If you love somebody, you love all of them. You're supposed to love them unconditionally, good and bad. You don't just pick and choose what you're gonna love about your mom. That's your mom. Like have some respect.

Robb (: 44:57

Yep. I agree. And I just think that the long term implications of that will reverberate for years. And it's far too bad. But I do understand having to cut off family. It's unfortunate.

At some point when you cross that line of saying something that is irreversible or becomes a scar, you really, really have to get yourself out of that because it's not worth it.

Tina (: 45:38

I You need to put them in a far outer circle and don't deal with that circle for a while. But again, do you need to make a big proclamation? Do you need to put it out there like, no, we don't speak. Just say, I hadn't heard from her.

Robb (: 45:56

Exactly.

Tina (: 45:57

It's funny how people want to ask me sometimes about a couple of relationships that I don't have anymore with family members. And they don't. And then you could tell that they want to ask. I'm like, who are you asking about? What's going on here? And then I'll talk about it. But they won't say anything. I kind of like that they don't. It's none of their business. But when I see them struggling, like, you know, it's coming, you could feel it.

Robb (: 46:23

Right.

Tina (: 46:24

I'll be like, what do you want to know? And then I'll tell them where I'm at. And where am I at? I don't have to worry about it. It's not my day -to -day problem. So I just kind of keep it out in the ether, and it'll figure itself out.

Robb (: 46:27

Yeah,

Robb (: 46:36

That's the best way of looking at it, Tina. It will all figure itself out sooner or later. And hopefully for the best, but if it doesn't, know, life will go on. And I think that it's in our best interest to make sure that we at least let everyone know. Cause look, we're not getting any younger. And I would hate to see a family bond

not be fixed by death. My mom and my grandmother never, my grandmother passed away and she never talked to her. So she had to live with that for a long time. And I think that I have other friends who had issues with their mom and they're building a bridge back to that because that's their mom. And they understand

It's important, even if you don't agree with them 100%, and we never will, they're our parents. We're never gonna agree with our parents 100%. But if you can have that relationship, I think it's important.

Tina (: 47:33

It is important.

Tina (: 47:47

Absolutely.

Robb (: 47:48

Well, 47 minutes in. Sounds like we got a good show in. Any last words?

Tina (: 47:51

Okay? We sure did. I'm glad we didn't miss this week.

Robb (: 47:58

Yes, we almost missed this week due to us all having other things. Yeah, you know, well, I have a plan that maybe we'll have to get together off site and we'll do like four shows in a row if you have a bunch of stuff already. But hey, check us out on the old social medias, the Facebook, the Instagram, X, YouTube music.

Tina (: 48:03

scheduling difficulties.

Tina (: 48:16

Yes, let's do it.

Robb (: 48:26

Everywhere that you can hear podcasts, we are Spotify, Apple, all that good stuff. Every Wednesday, we're a show. Send it to your friends. I didn't tell you. Analytics. We had some, we had, we have someone in China listening to us. Yeah, I saw this last week. China. Beijing, actually. Yeah, very interesting. Very interesting. And it was out of nowhere, like.

Tina (: 48:41

Stop it!

Tina (: 48:46

Wow.

Tina (: 48:50

Hello China.

Robb (: 48:53

And they've downloaded several. So somebody's listening to us in China. Very, very interesting. Yeah, pretty cool. Besides that, share it with your friends so we can get our message far across this great country of ours. And yeah, that's about it. It's an opinion show. So don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. I'm Rob. That's Tina. Until next week, we'll talk to you later. Bye.

Tina (: 48:57

Okay.

Tina (: 49:22

See ya.