EP # 178 When to move on: A deep dive into relationships.

Robb (: 00:01

And welcome to another show. Don't get this twisted. I am Rob along with my co-host as always Tina. Tina, how you doing? Very nice, very nice. Hmm. Very nice, very nice. Huh? I'm a little under the weather. I don't know. I like this little cough going again. Yeah.

Tina (: 00:06

I'm doing great. was on my bike all morning, I got a little adrenaline rush going on right now. Took a shower. Life is good. How are you doing? How are you doing?

What? What's going on with you?

Tina (: 00:29

Hmm, not too good at all.

Robb (: 00:30

Not good. You know. And then my brain, my brain is all fucked up, Yeah. No, it's a it's a mental fuck up. No, it's not physical. My brain was probably wrecked 20 years ago. Mm hmm. Yeah, I'm sure I'm sure my CTE is going to come up when I'm much older, but.

Tina (: 00:37

your brain is all fucked up. That an emotional fuck up, is that a physical fuck up, is it?

Tina (: 00:49

I was going to say, hey, with what you did to it when you were wrestling, I would say we're just now figuring this out. No.

Robb (: 01:00

Mostly. But yeah, you know, there's always something going on in my head. I looked at your list again, because you sent the last list and, you know, I've been farting away and fucking off. So I looked at it and the top line, since these are all yours, I'll let you tell the story. But it says letting go, knowing it's time to move on and making moves to leave.

Tina (: 01:01

Oi. Yeah.

Tina (: 01:05

I getcha.

Tina (: 01:15

you

Tina (: 01:26

Yeah, you know, that seems to be the theme of life right now. Maybe it's my age or, you know, we're all in like, kind of like the same. We're going through the same growing pains, I guess. And and, know, hearing hearing a couple of clients that I've had conversations with lately have asked me how did I know it was time to leave? And I'm like, it's really easy when you're, you know, when your spouse says I'm done like.

Robb (: 01:28

Yeah.

Tina (: 01:55

Let's get divorced. I mean, that's how I knew because that's what he said I mean, but we were holding on to two things for so long that weren't Benefiting either of us that we probably should have let go a little bit sooner than we did but we definitely ran out our situation for sure, but so anyway my clients and you said you had a friend and I have a couple of friends and

Robb (: 01:58

Right.

Tina (: 02:21

They're at a point where do they stay? Do they go? How long do they put up with the neglect or the abuse or, you know, the problems with money or kids or whatever the hell it is? Like, how long do you keep trying before you stop? So I thought that would be a topic for today.

Robb (: 02:38

Yeah

Look, I think letting go is, man, it's such a hard thing. Because, look, there's, and again, I think it's length, the length of a relationship, but I think hope, you know, there's always hope. Everyone's always holding on to hope. Like, what if it just gets better? What if it just gets better? What if it just gets better? And it generally doesn't. No, because it-

Tina (: 03:05

I don't know that I thought that. But then, know, I'm sorry, go ahead.

Robb (: 03:10

It just generally doesn't, that's why.

Tina (: 03:12

Yeah, I am looking back and hearing from a lot of women about their husbands like I left a lot sooner than most do. But but you know, I kind of feel like we felt it. It was just time. It wasn't we didn't want to fight. We didn't want to, you know, beat each other up. We didn't want to. We didn't. We quit trying. And so that made it really easy to.

to kind of move on. Not that we didn't go through it. We did because letting go is probably one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. And still, let's face it, I still talk to my ex. So how much did I let go for still really good friends and supportive of each other? I just think that's being adult. But other people that I've talked to said, seems like you still got a thing for your ex. And I'm like, no, we could be friends. Just like if you had, you know, kids, you'd have to co parent.

Robb (: 03:54

Right. Correct. I don't I don't think it's the same. kind of agree with them to a degree. I'll tell you why.

Tina (: 04:11

Same.

Tina (: 04:21

Tell me.

Robb (: 04:22

Look, I had a pretty decent relationship with my ex wife. Right. But it was very about my kid. That was it. I didn't ask her about how personal shit when her life was going. didn't. Nothing. None of that. I think for you going forward, if you get in a serious relationship, it would be very hard for the man in your life to be OK with that.

Tina (: 04:25

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 04:49

Well, good news is there isn't anybody to have to worry about that shit. Yeah. yeah. But I mean, when you have a new relationship, you do what you have to do. You make accommodations and and you know, you you get your life in order with that person. I'm not not completely, you know, I'm not it's not that I'm not going to have to do some change changing. I will. But I think at this age, like

Robb (: 04:54

No, but there can be that's what I'm saying like

Tina (: 05:17

You know, as long as everybody's getting along, I mean, I rarely see him. Is there any reason to have to rock the boat? I don't see it.

Robb (: 05:24

No, I don't think there is either what what I'm saying is saying is I'm playing devil's advocate. Okay. I'll give you an example. If if my friend decides to date someone, right? And I like her.

Tina (: 05:43

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 05:44

And my question to her is, because she wants to just be friends, let's say, I only want to be your friend, nothing else. Awesome. What? First of all, that would be difficult for me. Secondly, how does she explain me? Right? Like, does do they be truthful and go, okay, this is

my best friend, which is true, but he has feelings for me and we've done this before and we've pseudo dated and we've done... Right. Well, there's always going to be feelings there. I mean, but you're right. Probably not romantic. That is very correct. Which, which I understand.

Tina (: 06:22

I think that I think the difference is you have feelings for her. He and I don't have feelings for each other anymore

Tina (: 06:36

Right. Right.

Robb (: 06:38

But my thing is this is that you know we are at a time and place like I it would be hard for me Just because I would go look for one I don't want to be involved in that because that man I would feel for the next person. I wouldn't want a male in her life if I'm with her It's that's just being honest. It's we're already look

Tina (: 07:02

But I also don't think I have a man in my life either. We're not like that either.

Robb (: 07:07

No, but what I'm saying is I'm playing devil's advocate with just you. And this could be for anyone. It's not just your situation. I'm saying everyone's situation like this, it would be difficult to have the ex husband or ex boyfriend in a new relationship's life, whether it's small or not. I get what you're saying. But what I'm my thing is I can understand why it could be difficult.

Tina (: 07:31

Yeah, well, to be honest with you, I wouldn't want to date anybody that's going to have a lot of jealousy issues and have a problem with that because it's really not one here. So I wouldn't go for somebody like that to begin with.

Robb (: 07:44

Right, but I mean every man has is jealous Right, I agree with that but but for me it was it'd be like this if I would I mean

Tina (: 07:48

But every woman is too. If we all watch our shit and keep it at the door, then we could have real relationships. And that's just how I see that.

Robb (: 08:02

It's just hard. It's more difficult. It's because someone's gonna go, you're just not letting go. You're just not letting go. You're just not letting go. And I get it. Letting go is difficult. have, fuck, mean, look at my friend in Vegas who was with her husband 17 years in a very, very unhappy marriage, but wouldn't get out of it for whatever reason.

She couldn't let go or I'm sure lots of different reasons there were kids there and she didn't work a lot of the time and he was the breadwinner and there's a bunch of things. But I just think it's difficult to get out of something for lots of different reasons. You know, I have another friend who was in a relationship three years. She was unhappy after six months, but stayed for three years. Why? There's always going to be a reason. It's just.

Because letting goes hard. I think that at the end of the day, it's what if it gets better? What if it gets better? What if it gets better? And I think that look, I was in a marriage for we were married six years, but I think I was with her 10 and a half, something like that. I'm going to assume there were times where she probably would have broken off earlier. But

but didn't for whatever reason. Money, you it's hard to move out. It's hard to sustain yourself now. You lose your partner. What do do? You know, it's it's just difficult. I don't know. I don't know if there's an answer or not.

Tina (: 09:48

Well, I believe that when you feel like it's time and your needs aren't being met and you're not meeting in the middle and you're not happy and you're more miserable than not, maybe you should look at it, you know, either doing something serious to fix the relationship. And that means both people need to say, no, I really want to do this. Or it's time to say, look, it's just time to break it off.

Robb (: 10:10

you

Right.

Tina (: 10:17

Before we're hating each other before there has to be like stuff that we're all gonna be embarrassed by after we do it like Before it gets to the point where you're absolutely fucking crazy You know what I believe I I don't think we I don't think we We damaged each other through through leaving I think it helped both of us because it was just time

Robb (: 10:46

Right.

Tina (: 10:47

It was time, feelings had changed. Things weren't going to come back to the way they were. And they, and they're still not the way there's, they were, if we were supposed to be together, that that's never going to be again. I think that what you have at a moment in time is, is left in that moment. And if you're not actually working on yourself and your relationship every day, that too is going to end.

Robb (: 11:12

Right, I definitely agree with that. if, look, I usually say relationships are a job and people like hate to hear that. But they are. I mean, you do need to work at your relationship. but it shouldn't.

Tina (: 11:29

every day.

Robb (: 11:31

it shouldn't feel like a job, you should have to work. you know, no no relationship is perfect, obviously. And like you said, when the bad outweigh the good, you know it's done. It's just pulling the trigger. Man, is it hard.

Tina (: 11:35

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 12:00

Because I think you hold on to all the good memories. You know what I mean? It's hard. I mean, even when there's no. Infidelity or. You know, maybe you just grew apart. That happens. I mean, I think it truly does. I. I thought mine did, but then I found out later on it didn't much later.

Tina (: 12:21

It totally does.

Robb (: 12:28

like years and years and years later but you know for me that the cheating thing is the one thing that no matter what I would I'd be gone you know I'd probably go to prison truly because I'd probably kill somebody but other than that look you are gonna change communication is the way to both keep your relationship and get out of it

Tina (: 12:39

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 12:59

If you've been communicating from the beginning, right, you're gonna go through these ups and downs and your problems are gonna come up and someone's gonna go, you you're doing this, I want you to change, or I need you to change. I think need is a better word, not want.

Tina (: 12:59

Absolutely.

Robb (: 13:20

I need you to change for the better of this relationship. If the other person isn't willing to work on that, it doesn't matter. You know, you should be able to go to your mate and go, look, where are we at? Are you okay? Do you want this? And boy, I think women are, well, for sure you are.

Tina (: 13:31

Very true.

Robb (: 13:49

you get out of things much easier I think because you 80 % of divorces are filed by women. So obviously you guys pull the trigger way more than us we I think men just kind of go hey if the boat's not rocking it's not horribly bad you know I fell in love with this girl there must be a reason I'm still here.

Tina (: 14:15

Mmm, nice.

Robb (: 14:18

That then why don't men why don't only 20 % of men go for divorce? What I'm saying is is that they're they're not unhappy They're Then why do they stay

Tina (: 14:25

Maybe they don't see it coming or they don't look to see if it's coming.

Tina (: 14:36

I don't know. I know a lot of people that are a lot of men who are truly unhappy, but it's like

Tina (: 14:47

It's cheaper to keep her.

Robb (: 14:51

I mean, I don't know. I mean, I guess, but fuck. I mean, your well being and your psychological makeup is cost way more. Because that's slowly killing you.

Tina (: 15:06

Well, yeah, but do you see, you know, if you if you look a lot of men walking around don't look happy, you know, and they're they seem like they're more aggressive than they've ever been and they're just pissed off all the time and and I do believe that women have a lot to do with that. I really do. I won't take that for granted ever. But at the same time, like, why are you so angry?

Robb (: 15:21

You

Robb (: 15:31

Right.

Tina (: 15:35

Why are you so pissed off? Because they're not happy. Their needs aren't being met. Maybe they're just more complacent than women are, but they don't seem happy. mean, not and I'm not saying I just know a lot of people that aren't, but they're staying. I asked my dad once. said, dad, why did you stay? And because there were times he should have left. There was a time when my brother and I both said, dad, it's okay for you to leave.

Like it had gotten that bad, but his, his answer was I made a commitment and when you make a commitment, you see it through and your word is only as good as your word. And so I stayed, but I was like, you wasted years being miserable and unhappy. And he said, but if I would have left your mom, then you guys would have been miserable and unhappy because he would have had to have taken care of her. And so I get his answer.

Robb (: 16:06

Right.

Robb (: 16:23

Right. Probably not many.

Tina (: 16:33

But mean, how many people really have stuff like that going on?

Robb (: 16:44

Again, I think now the bigger thing is Like what is happy right? I think a lot of people that are in these situations need to realize Like what's happy? What is happy to you? What is peace to you? Or you know, why did you get in the relationship in the first place that could be part of it as well if you got in the relationship Because you were looking for an out from another relationship

Or hey, was just I was dating and I didn't want to drive fucking 40 minutes every day. So I moved her in Because that's what I that's what happened to me Yeah, got her pregnant it's a whole other monster But mine I remember I just I had to drive and that was just like I don't want to drive every day and I was getting tired of it and I Enjoyed going to see her but it was just you know, you work all day

Tina (: 17:23

or got her pregnant or listed a song for a guy.

Robb (: 17:42

Last thing you want to do is, you know, drive 35 minutes to hang out and then drive all the way home because you had to do get ready for work the next day or whatever it is. And I know that that's petty. That's why, like, I would love to date the person in town here. She's 10 minutes away. It's close. It's it's easy. It's yeah. If I want to take your lunch.

Tina (: 18:04

All right, it's convenient.

Robb (: 18:09

Her where she works is 10 minutes away. I like that the convenience of being close to the person that you like is amazing. But I can see where the wear down for people. think a lot of the things that we're talking about for these people not knowing when to leave is that you've been worn down for so long. And then the reality of what's about to happen hits you. Let's say you're married now you have to start worrying about

Tina (: 18:12

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 18:19

sense.

Robb (: 18:39

Okay, who gets the house? What's it going to cost? I have to get a lawyer. I have to do this. Like you said, it is almost cheaper to stay because the headache on the back end is tremendous. Now.

Tina (: 18:53

Yeah, but the end result is your freedom and your sense of well-being and your your peace and your you know, you can be happy. It's really hard to be happy when somebody you live with is hating on you.

Robb (: 19:08

Absolutely. I mean, I saw it with my friend. She didn't have any peace in her relationship. It was worse. they were just boyfriend and girlfriend. So, you know, but there's something to even that like

Tina (: 19:09

There's no peace in that.

Tina (: 19:14

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 19:29

She would tell me like the good times. there was some really good times. And I think that, right, or I liked his kids. His kids were great. So, but he wasn't. Again, I'm kind of playing both sides of it. I understand. I do. I totally understand why. I'm not that person though.

Tina (: 19:37

was is the word that you need to pay attention to.

Robb (: 19:57

I'm I guess I'm at an age now where if I got into something I would go in hard like fuck it both feet in let's get this ball rolling let's see what this is if it doesn't work out at least we can walk away and hopefully be really good friends still it's hard though because you know that's easy to say on paper

I'm all.

Tina (: 20:27

It is very easy, but and also because guys attach differently than women you do that to a woman and she's like whoa slow the hell down. I have to feel something before I could go the next step like I don't want to waste. I don't want to waste the first steps. You know what I mean? Like that's how you get to know a person for a woman. They have to get a feel for them. They have to get an attachment for them. There has to be emotional connection and

If you and most guys want to skip that that place, but then you find out you wouldn't you wouldn't want to be with that guy anyway, because you know, he if he's skipping those points, he's skipping others too. You know, and that's not going to work.

Robb (: 21:09

Right.

I just think I just think that that like the foundations of why you stay together are It's easy to go back and look if you got together because it was a wild time and you were out and about running around and You know, it becomes a sexual thing and you get this cool hot thing and going that's going to burn out Right at some point or slow down. Let's say cool down. That's the better way of putting it

But the lifestyle of the people that were involved in that are now different. Because maybe she was out bar hopping and now doesn't want to. But the guy still does. That was his life. Getting out of those types of relationships is hard because now you become the person you're with. You know what I mean? It's a difficult thing. There's no easy way out of a relationship.

Tina (: 22:07

No, no, there's no easy way just like it just like there was no easy way finding that person and starting a relationship like there's a lot of things that are involved in order for that to happen. But but it doesn't have to be it doesn't have to be super difficult. It doesn't have to be any harder than, you know, we just have to stop and break it off. Like people make it worse than it needs to be by the fighting and the and the

Robb (: 22:20

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 22:35

I agree. I think the thing too.

Tina (: 22:37

the name calling and holding things over each other's head. Like there doesn't need to be all that. It just doesn't. Like I think I think the reason or how I knew that my marriage was over was because neither of us were fighting for it. So when that happens, it's like, okay, this is a clear indicator that life is over. You know, this life is over.

And it's okay to let go. Everybody worked out. You know, it is scary at first and it's not fun trying to, you know, separate everything. But at the end result is I see him now when I see him, he seems really happy. And you know what? I'm not unhappy at all either. We're I don't think we were happy together. I think it affected us tremendously. But now that now that we're through it.

and we took those huge steps and it is huge to pick up and leave. Life is so much more peaceful. And if you're not getting any peace in your relationship, you need to think about that.

Robb (: 23:48

Yeah, I think like knowing when it's time is is easy generally, you know, it's Everyone kind of knows when it's kind of like, this isn't this isn't

Tina (: 23:58

Robb (24:05.227)

There's just nothing there anymore. It's mechanical. I think that's a better way putting it. having a mechanical relationship is not fun. It's same thing every day, you know, and within reason. But the getting out is always the hardest part. Like, it's easy to decide in your own head, but it's hard to decide and make the get the ball rolling.

Tina (: 24:08

Yeah.

Tina (: 24:14

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 24:32

Yeah.

Robb (: 24:33

Because once you say you're someone goes into fight or flight mode, right? And I think, man, like I fought way too late. And I think I got, I think she didn't like me for that. Why are you trying now? Should have tried before. So, yeah, and

Tina (: 24:41

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 24:47

Hmm.

Tina (: 24:57

Right?

I get that.

Robb (: 25:02

And don't get me wrong, I understand what's behind that. But, you know, again, I didn't know anything was wrong, but I didn't find out later that regardless of what I did, it wasn't going to change. She had already decided and met somebody and a bunch of other things. So like for me, I was fighting for something that just wasn't there regardless. But I was still fighting because I thought, hey, you know,

Tina (: 25:28

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 25:32

I put in so much time and we had a six year old and there was just a lot of things but I looking back on it I don't ever think I was in love love. It was the relationship of convenience. It was like we were both in a weird place we were it just kind of fit the pegs fit together and she moved in it was good and like it was not bad.

Tina (: 25:46

Hmm.

Robb (: 26:02

But I don't think I was in like Love I don't think I've been in love many times in my life if we're gonna be perfectly honest so and I think that they're There I remember getting something from my friend down the street for my friend's wedding there's three kinds of love There's the first your first love which is you know, you're your puppy love that you're like, haha Everything's cool and it ends and it hurts but

Tina (: 26:11

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 26:31

you understand then there's like the middle the the second love and that's the one that hurts the most which is generally like your marriage that ends in a divorce and then there's the third love which hits you out of nowhere and comes from and you shouldn't you shouldn't be together and there's like you just shouldn't it shouldn't have happened and then and it rolls on and like that's kind of how i saw my friend my best friends you know he met this girl at a hotel in san diego and

one lived out of state, the other, they did this thing of flying back and forth, you know, whatever. And they made it work and they got married and they're still together. So, so to be in love is is the the cornerstone of these relationships we're talking about, right? And does love fade? I mean,

Tina (: 27:24

Mm-hmm.

It does. When you quit working at it, does. When you quit seeing that person as your friend, it does.

Robb (: 27:29

I don't think love I think I've seen several podcasts or or videos on tik tok or whatever that almost everyone who talked about their relationship that that was great that's the first thing they say that's my best friend that I just happen to be in love with

That I don't. Because you know your friends you can hate one day and love the next because they did something wrong, but you know that they're your best friend and. And this one girl goes love. Love isn't a feeling, it's a choice. You choose to be in love. You choose the person you're in love with. It's not like.

Because your feelings change every day, you can have a bad day. Your your girl could come home from work and she had a shitty day at work doesn't mean she's not in love with you because the feeling might not be there because she's mad for the day. So the best friend mode should kick in and go, okay, hey, what's going on, blah, blah, blah. And you handle things differently. So what when it's time to move on, I think that you

You realize things about your relationship that probably weren't true in the beginning You were like, this really wasn't how I felt and you start looking at least me I started looking back on Just it was convenient things just happened to be good for us at that time and and don't get me wrong I got a great kid out of it and I'm I would wouldn't change that for the world

But I think I hate to say I wasted years because I don't think I wasted any. I don't think any relationship or or person that you are in love with is a waste. I don't think there's wasted years. I think that's all bullshit. The years that we put into somebody are just it's time there. It's like sand in an hourglass.

Robb (: 29:55

You still got time. There's still sand in the hourglass. As long as your heart's beating, there's still sand. So I think that you, the people who are afraid to leave are the ones who are afraid of the next relationship. Because now you have to re-meet somebody. You have to go through the cycle. You have to do that. And that's hard.

Tina (: 29:55

you

Tina (: 30:14

That's true.

Robb (: 30:24

reintroducing you to somebody new, telling them your fucking story. You know, here comes your flaws, here comes your scars, here comes your emotional shit, your trauma, all these things. The person you're with knows them. So why leave? Now? And again, I'm playing devil's advocate, I think I won't be in an unhappy relationship. I'd rather be alone.

Tina (: 30:41

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 30:51

I'd rather be alone period if I don't find the person that I want to be with or I'll just be alone because it's not worth it anymore. It's. And I wouldn't say that I'm happy right now. That would be a lie. I'm not happy at all. I would say that, know. I'm. I'm just I I just go. And I think I don't like that feeling.

Tina (: 30:58

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 31:19

But that's I think the reality of like the relationships we're talking about sometimes you just go you get up and you do your shit and you go and For the people who are stuck in these relationships I Think my only thing would be Yes, the next step sucks It does meeting meeting somebody is really rough But

I think when you do, that is when the brighter side comes. So there is a brighter side of this leaving or knowing when it's time to leave. My thing is, as long as you know you tried, that's the biggest thing about a relationship. Did you try? You know, because I think that if you leave these relationships with, did everything.

Tina (: 31:55

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 32:09

You gave it all you got, yeah.

Robb (: 32:18

You know, I whatever that is for you, I I changed for them. I I started doing something different. I you know, I started doing the things that she wanted. It didn't work out still. OK, at least I did my part. You know. It is, I think as long as everyone's honest.

The honest part and we talked about that last week, you know But no one's honest Because everyone's either worried worried to break someone's You can't you can't be worried about breaking anyone's heart you you that's part of life It just happens

Tina (: 32:48

Last week, yeah.

Tina (: 32:53

Yeah.

Tina (: 33:03

And that's supposed to happen when a relationship is over. There's supposed to be a breakdown, and then there's supposed to be a rebuilding and a changing and evolving person, and then you do it again and again and again and again for some people.

Robb (: 33:16

Yeah, and again and again until you find the right one and And there's not a perfect one because it's not like I said last week we're all going to Just matters what you're willing to settle on that's all it is. What are you willing to settle on?

Tina (: 33:22

until you find the right one.

Tina (: 33:41

I don't see it as settling though.

Robb (: 33:43

Well, like one of the things I said a long time ago and then I got it from Matthew Hussey, the guy book I wrote. You're settling for not settling on. Because settling on means that you're that you really kind of don't have a choice behind it. Settling for is when you're looking at the four things in front of you and you're choosing and picking that one. You're settling on the one that one right there. You're going to. It's a fact. No one's perfect.

Tina (: 34:04

right.

Robb (: 34:12

So you have to look at the person that you're you're looking at that you're like I love this person. I love her flaws. I love her this Yeah, she's a fucking wreck and she's gonna drive me bonkers. But man, I still like the core pieces of them or him like yeah, he's a little jealous and you know this or that but man when I'm

at home with him, he makes me feel like this. And that's what means the most to me. Because look, in in 10 years, we're going to be 60 something years old, life's going to be different. I'm not going to get up and go bar hopping every day. I need somebody. No, but I mean, I could. You know, mean, it's 50 is not the same, although 50 is the same. My dad was going bar hopping at 50. I just didn't know it.

Tina (: 34:55

Do you do that now? Because I know I don't.

Tina (: 35:01

Yeah.

Tina (: 35:08

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 35:09

You know, or maybe not 50, but 40. So my thing is this is that these people that are out there and if you know it, you just know that it's over or it's not working or it's not gonna work. Yes, it's difficult. But you have to take that step and it sucks.

Tina (: 35:34

Or give yourself a time limit on how long you'll put yourself through what you're going through.

Robb (: 35:39

Yeah, correct. And what's the steps to get there? Do do therapy? Could be. Yeah, I told my friend down the street. Look, you have to go. I've never done therapy, although I've been told I should. Many times by her.

Tina (: 35:47

if you could get the other person to do it. But then again, you know, know a lot of therapists that got their head up their damn ass. I wouldn't want them helping me.

Robb (: 36:06

But she's told me that she's talked to people and it took several different people until she found somebody that you know was that she liked and was telling her Maybe not what she wanted to hear I was funny too because I forgot who it was it was some celebrity and they were talking about when they got together with his new girlfriend

Tina (: 36:23

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 36:35

They started couples therapy right when they started dating. Or, you know, somewhat into it. Once they decided to be a couple. I don't think they started it after date two. But, I was telling my friend down the street, go, hey, you know, would you be willing to do that? And she's like, well, I don't understand why. And I was like, because I think you get ahead of the curve. Sometimes maybe it's just talking to the person going, hey, how are things going? And.

Tina (: 36:45

Bye-bye.

Robb (: 37:03

Someone brings something up and you go. okay, or let them kind of go through the thing and and see it The steps of leaving are going to be the most difficult thing in the world But if you've gone through all what you think are the steps, it's gonna be easy at the end. I think and and look like I said, I've seen people who were in long relationships

shitty relationships and even at the end of that still was they were still like, you know, he wasn't a bad guy and I have two kids with him and and, you know, this and that because you put in time when you put in time with somebody, you feel like you you're throwing away that time, I think.

Tina (: 37:58

I look at how other women talk about the men that they're with and how frustrated they are. I think, God, I didn't have to go through that. Like I didn't have those problems. didn't have this problem. I didn't have that problem. I didn't have a lot of problems seriously with my ex. We cohabitated well. The problem was we gave up taking care of one another and being close with one another and the neglect.

Robb (: 38:11

you

Tina (: 38:27

was enough to make us do to change things and it needed to be changed and we I literally feel like we just ran out like the the game was over and and that was the end of it and I think that when you're feeling that it's best to just look at it and say okay it's not working out let's let's get out of this is as nicely as we can with each other because we did have love for each other at one point

Let's try to remember that and, you know, separate and dissolve, dissolve the situation that's not working for you. It doesn't have to be a fight. It doesn't have to be abusive. It doesn't have to leave a big singe right across your forehead. You know what I mean? Like it doesn't have to be. The worst thing you've ever experienced in your life.

Robb (: 39:25

Correct. I don't think getting out of a

Relationship should be the death of you You know and And look it's hard. I mean when I when I you know, I had a bomb dropped on me and Then I found out other things that were happening that I didn't know and And I mean like not paying bills and things like that So starting over for me was rough, but I also

Tina (: 39:29

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 39:56

didn't have a choice. So you nut up. Yeah, was eating shitty and I had a kid and I had the same pair of shoes for five years and a bunch of other shit. And it's hard and it is difficult. But at the end of the day, I think, you know, a good percentage of these people that we're talking about will be okay.

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 40:23

They abs everybody will be okay. It doesn't matter what situation we've been put in. find a way to be okay. We had an earthquake, you know, kick us down years ago and we're all okay. Everybody's still okay. You go through it. You get through it. You move on to the next thing and and you know, that's that's how life is. You lose you lose people. You lose things you lose at life. You lose money. You lose lose everything. That's part of it. That's part of the process.

Robb (: 40:51

Right.

Tina (: 40:54

But you also gain as well. You gain knowledge, you gain strength, you gain love, because hopefully you go and you find something that truly is what you need for the rest of your life. Do what you got to do and you get through it. It just is what it is. No situation stays the same. The only thing that does stay the same is that change is going to keep changing. That's the only thing that stays the same.

Robb (: 41:19

I think the bigger thing what you just said is the truth though you have to First of all you have to believe that you're gonna find somebody again Well, that's what I mean if that's your goal which most of us it is We're we're creatures that don't do good in solitary confinement. It's just a fact married people are

Tina (: 41:33

if you want to.

Tina (: 41:47

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 41:49

happier than single people, statistically. It's just a fact, you're just happier. Because I think that you know you have someone. We all wanna lean on somebody, we all wanna have support and that kind of thing. So I think that for the people who are in unhappy relationships, know they're done and

Tina (: 41:52

Hmm.

Tina (: 41:57

Okay.

Robb (: 42:18

are are sitting on their hands wondering if it's the time to do it. It is. Sucks. It's it's going to hurt. going to be shitty. You're probably going to fight till the end with each other over dumb shit like furniture. If you're just a boyfriend and girlfriend and you don't live together, you have no excuse. And I think that's that's the easiest one.

Out of everything we're talking about, if you're just boyfriend and girlfriend and you don't live together, it should be the easiest thing to get out of ever. Assuming that someone's not abusive. Yeah, you just, you just end it. You decide it's over. If you're boyfriend and girlfriend and live together, there's issues. There's a lease and there's things that you have to counter and get over. But again, that can all be fixed as well. And

Tina (: 42:55

I just quit going around each other.

Tina (: 43:17

Yeah.

Robb (: 43:17

It's just rough. My thing is know that it's going to get better afterwards. Know that you'll fall in love with somebody again. And and hope that that's the right one. You're going to have to. I I've heard from another friend of mine. That a friend of hers that she's known since she was 13 years old says nothing like you just jump into every relationship right afterwards. Jump jump jump jump jump. You're never single. It's like OK.

Tina (: 43:26

Life goes on.

Robb (: 43:46

I, maybe that's a coping mechanism, maybe it's not. I don't know and I don't wanna jump the gun. But you know that I think that sometimes if you're doing that, maybe it's for a purpose. Staying single for five years or 10 years like me is not good. It's not. It, it.

It isn't a good thing. I probably should have jumped into way more relationships just to test the water. Yeah, look, because there's good things about being single. I mean, let's let's there is. Absolutely. And I can't argue that fact. I was talking to her down the street. She's like, I know if I if I just made a little more money, I would, you know,

Tina (: 44:23

And I've liked being single.

Tina (: 44:30

Yes, there are. Absolutely right.

Robb (: 44:44

I'd stay single probably forever and I was like, eh, probably not because I don't think she's really built like that. I think she's she's in a place right now. Look, I like being single. I would love to have a mate. I miss certain things about that. I miss being next to somebody and that type of thing. But I also wouldn't stay in a relationship just because I liked that.

Tina (: 45:12

Yeah.

Robb (: 45:14

I just wouldn't now. So I think for me, you know, I'm not in a relationship, but going into the next one. If it doesn't work, and I'm a fighter, I mean, you've you know me, Tina, I'm I will go to the. Yeah, I will be I'll be on the top of the pole that fucking thing when it hits the water. Because I'm a believer in love and I think that it's it's real and it's there and.

Tina (: 45:29

You will go down with this sinking ship.

Robb (: 45:44

So I don't give up easily, but if it's over, it's over. And hopefully when you, you know, go to your mate, you do it with the utmost respect and yeah. And, and again, you know, as long as there's no fault, like no one cheated, no one did anything horrible. No one's beating someone. You know, those are no excuse things.

Tina (: 46:01

kindness.

Robb (: 46:14

But if it's just, look, it's not working. And that happens. You know, I wanna test the water with my friend down the street. I'm not sure if it'll work. I don't know. You know, I mean, I think so. No.

Tina (: 46:28

I don't think there, it doesn't matter what relationship that you're in. There are no guarantees. I look at my mom and dad again. They were together. They were together since my mom was 14 and my dad was 17 and my mom died when I was 40 years old. So they, they were together a good long time. but there's still no guarantee she died. Dad's alone. You know, he's, he's, you know,

Robb (: 46:47

Mm-hmm.

He's filling a hole.

Tina (: 46:57

trying to get by and, and misses her terribly. And even when he dates, he's not in love with these women. He's still in love with my mom. Yeah. So, the thing is, is I always tell him, said, well, dad, good news is you're still here. So what are you going to do with your time here? What are you going to, you know, like, I always think that, okay, this is the, this is the situation I'm presented with. How am I going to make the most of it?

Robb (: 47:25

Right.

Tina (: 47:25

I get up and I do what I do every day and I'm having a good time like Yesterday for instance. I got up I went over got my best friend We went out to lunch at a place. We had never been before We went to another place to grab some things that I was wanting that I never would have gone if she wasn't with me I didn't work yesterday. We ended up at Seas Candy You know the last time I've been to Seas Candy and she said to me she goes

Robb (: 47:45

Right.

Tina (: 47:53

She's because she goes, you don't have to answer to anybody. You could just go and go and go. And I'm like, I know it's fantastic. Ended up at the mall at seven o'clock last night. Like we just we screwed around all day. And guess what? Nobody bitched me out. What was for dinner? Where was the scissors? When are you coming home? Who are you with? What are you doing? How much money are you spending? Nobody asked me shit yesterday. And you know what? That's a damn good day.

Robb (: 48:19

Right. And I'll give you the polar opposite of that. I miss certain things like that because I've been doing this a long time. So. It's been.

Tina (: 48:28

Yeah, well, it's been five years for me.

Robb (: 48:32

17. So, and look, I can't, I can't argue the fact of things like that. It's nice to come home and no one tells me I can't watch the hockey game. Or no one says, hey, we're gonna do this. But on the flip side, I feel less, you know, maybe it's just me as a man and just how I'm built. I miss having

Tina (: 48:35

Yeah, that's a long time.

Tina (: 48:46

Hmm.

Robb (: 49:02

to do something have a purpose i don't feel like i have a purpose anymore it's a weird feeling my son's on his you know he's 20 something years old takes care of himself i don't have to deal with that so my my purpose in life is really just to pay the rent i'd love to have my purpose be someone else it's okay to have that no but

Tina (: 49:21

Your purpose, Rob, is to live. Your purpose is to like, find your happy. You're not gonna find the happy in somebody else, you gotta find that in you.

Robb (: 49:32

No, that's a, but see, I don't think that, no, I agree with that. No, I totally agree with you. No person's going to make me happy. No, and I wouldn't say that I'm, you know, utterly awful either. I'm just blah. That's all it is. Like, I'm good everywhere else. Like, my bills are on time. Matter of fact, they're way ahead. Money's not a problem. Like, there's things like that that only, I should be like, I think.

Tina (: 49:40

Mm-mm.

Robb (: 50:00

I saw something on a TV show that I thought was great and and I think this is my last word is this because I think it fits you can't like Sometimes you want to share the good things with someone else That's just it you know the person that I like isn't gonna make me happy

I hope that we click together. Like, you know, people are so looking for the person that's just like them. I want someone who compliments me. That's all. I want someone that I can look up in the morning and ratty ass hair and no makeup and I still, you know, kiss her on the lips and tell her I love her because it's not about the looks.

Tina (: 50:33

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 50:55

It's not about what she looks like, it's about who she is. And it should be the same for anyone else when you look at your man in the morning and he's got a little pot belly but he's taking care of shit and he's just being a good man to you. That's what I want. I just want a good woman. I want someone to share this crazy life with. And if it doesn't work, I'm gonna get out. It's okay too. Just don't be afraid to...

Tina (: 51:23

So when, when are you gonna let go? When is the answer? Just the million dollar question of the day. When is it time to leave?

Robb (: 51:26

Well, that's it. And it's hard to let go. When you when you're when you love someone, it's hard to let go. This is that's that's how we're built. We're unfortunately we're stand upright, have a big brain and we're an animal. We we free think it's hard to look at somebody that you have intense feelings for.

or had intense feelings for and say I gotta go it's it's hard I get it but I hope for the people that are out there that are in relationships friendships that they're in whatever it is that if you're not if you're not a hundred percent get out but you know also you got to try make sure because

I'll tell you, you don't want to not do it and then years later go, fuck I should have fought harder for that relationship. Because now I'm in another a new one that's just as shitty as the last one. Or just as shitty as this one. You know, it's it's rough. I don't know the answer. I wish I did. But I don't think there is one. We're all different. We're all these weird creatures and I say fight hard until you

You truly know that you're you can't go anymore because then at least you can sleep at night I think that's the bigger thing Just make sure because I regret regret never goes away You know It's sucky Hopefully for the best, you know, I think I hope your friends that are in these relationships that you've been talking to, you know cutting hair that

Tina (: 52:56

Yeah.

Tina (: 53:13

Thanks

Robb (: 53:19

They think about all of these small things and there's still time to fix it and there's time to get out.

Tina (: 53:24

The only there is time to fix it. But the only thing that I think to tell them is are you being the best person that you could be in this relationship right now? Because that's how you know you're doing your best. If you could say, yeah, I'm a really good person and I'm really looking out. And if you could say that and things aren't working for you, then you know it's time.

Robb (: 53:47

I agree with that. think if you're if everything that you're doing is exactly what you just said. It's it makes things easier leaving. Alright, look at that 50 minutes out of the way. Any any last things you want to say to the folks out there that may be in something that they're. They're just trying to get out of.

Tina (: 53:56

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 54:04

What?

Tina (: 54:14

Pull the string. Just do it already. If you're really at that stage where you're trying to get out of it, get out. Walk away. Don't look back. Don't make any more chaos than you need to. Just walk away.

Robb (: 54:21

Yeah. All righty guys. Check us out on all social medias. I'm doing better. I'm posting things more so you'll be able to get the links to the shows. And I usually put the link out for Spotify, but you can

Listen to us on everything Apple, Spotify, Google, whatever the hell is out there for podcasts. And it's an opinion show. Don't get twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday. I'm Rob. That's Tina. And we will see you in a week. Bye.

Tina (: 54:57

See ya.