EP #182 The weight of emotional scars and trauma.

Robb (: 00:01

And welcome to another show of Don't Get This Fisted. I am Rob, along with my co-host as always, Tina. How you doing, Tina?

Tina (: 00:06

I'm hanging in there Rob. It's been, this is like not an easy time of night, of life, but.

Robb (: 00:08

Yes, you are. If only they knew. No. Is that what it is? yeah. like, excuse me, I'll take clusterfuck, please. Yeah. Yeah, just do it all at once.

Tina (: 00:16

I like all my problems in one cluster so I can handle it all with minimal amount of time being wasted and then we move on to the next shit ton of stuff. Yeah, it's kinda like that. Take it all at once.

Tina (: 00:33

That's no joke. Yeah, just lay it on me.

Robb (: 00:37

Yeah, see, I don't do that. I like to I like to have them drawn out for long periods of time. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, see, you're like you're like a really good tattoo. Give me all the pain like up front and then let me heal over the next five days and then I'm OK. Yeah, it's so funny because, you know, I want to get a new tattoo. We're talking about it before.

Tina (: 00:43

Yeah, I don't like to hurt that much. So just slap it all out there right now. Let's get through it all and be on to our next thing.

Tina (: 00:54

Yeah.

Tina (: 01:00

Yeah, I'm fine. We could do that.

Robb (: 01:07

The thing about tattoos is I get rather large ones. I hate going back for like fixes. So it's like I like sitting down one session, do it all, give me all the pain up front. The longest one I've done was 12 hours. I think I could probably only do six now and like be comfortable. But I'm hoping the next one I get is blasted out all in one. Just do it in six hours and let me go home.

Tina (: 01:15

Hmm.

Robb (: 01:35

I like the one I like the one heel because like if you have to let it heal and then go back It just feels like I don't know it just feels like again drawn-out nonsense. Don't give me that shit. Let's let's do it yeah, six I mean the the bad part is like the beginning sucks and then you kind of go numb and then they have to do highlights over that tattoo they just did and then it

Tina (: 01:35

Eugh.

Tina (: 01:47

Yeah, I don't want to do six hours even of that kind of pain.

Tina (: 01:59

Yeah.

Tina (: 02:03

Yeah.

Robb (: 02:03

really fucking hurts so yeah I mean it makes sense

Tina (: 02:06

You know, I've gotten to a place in my life where I just don't want to be in pain of any kind. So I don't seek out stuff like that. And I don't, I don't know. I'm just getting to the point where I'm like, can we just make this as minimally hurtful as we can and then move on to the next thing? Cause I just don't have it to, to be in pain anymore. My cousin and in our tribe, we do sweats to pray. And I told her, said,

I don't know life is so freaking miserable why do I have to go sit there and sweat with everybody for God to hear my prayers? I'm like I think he gets it. Yeah I'm like I think I'm okay with this I don't need to purge myself like that. I don't think I'm that bad of a person.

Robb (: 02:43

Yeah, he hears me. These days. These days I hope he hears me way more than. You know, a lot better these days, man, I'm kind of with you.

So we were chatting and I did send you a meme a while ago and this is what we're going to talk about today. So I'll let you read the meme and then we'll talk about what we're what we think about it.

Tina (: 03:03

I getcha.

Robb (: 03:17

Yeah, I mean, I really think that that's a great meme, not just about

Tina (: 03:17

It says loving a girl with a traumatic past and deep scars isn't just about loving her It's about loving the version of her that never got the chance to exist It's standing beside her fighting the demons that whisper she's not enough. It's reminding her every day that she is

Robb (: 03:47

And to be fair, I don't think it's just about women. I think men have their own issues with. Feeling enough. We I think men more self sabotage than women, but maybe I'm wrong just because I'm a man. But I. Yeah, here's yeah, you know, maybe I shouldn't say that. I think we're both just as good at it.

Tina (: 04:08

I know women are pretty good at it too.

Yeah

Robb (: 04:16

I think because I've been around people who have had trauma in their life and don't feel that they deserve any kind of love or a certain kind of love or to be treated a certain way because they've never had that before. And for me,

I find it so difficult to understand because I don't think I've had like serious trauma in my life. I've had regular old middle class, you know, living in the suburbs trouble. I've never really gone through anything with the exception of maybe divorce. And I think that there is a subset of trauma that comes with that.

Because I think for both men and women, it throws a lot of self doubt. Like, am I good enough? Yeah, like, where did I go wrong? Am I going to do this again in the next relationship? But it's not like physical or mental trauma that has maybe been put upon you. Right? I think divorce is more of a self loathing and a self problem. But if you come from

Tina (: 05:11

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 05:33

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 05:39

a place where you were physically abused or mentally abused for a long period of time. I can understand it. I can understand it. I can understand the pain and the trauma, but I, you know, it's got to be a hard thing to live in your own head and think that you don't deserve any kind of love.

Tina (: 05:51

My kiss, yeah.

Tina (: 06:07

I wonder where are our people support when they feel like that because

I've been through a lot of things and a lot of shared on this show, but I don't let it keep me down for very long. I mean, I go through it, I hurt, I get pissed off, I have to go through all of the emotions, but at the end of it, I don't hold onto it. And I wonder why that is or like what happened. And part of me thinks that because of my own traumas from being a child and being abused.

I've learned how to compartmentalize and put things away and just not deal with it Good thing though is that I don't let that be my my story I don't hold on to it to the point where it it it puts problems in other areas I May be more trying to please everybody And it will come out probably that way but I don't I don't let it

Robb (: 06:49

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. Sure.

Yeah, I think you've kind of hit the nail on the head though, because

Tina (: 07:17

dim my light, if that makes sense. Like it's got its place. I use it for what I use it for and I move past it.

Robb (: 07:31

The people that I know who have gone through these things are people pleasers. They hate to say no. They don't want to hurt other people's feelings even though they probably should. And look, there's always trauma responses. And I think that's with both sides. I think with me, I am very much a people pleaser. I like to help people.

Tina (: 07:36

Yeah.

Yeah.

Tina (: 07:51

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 07:58

And maybe that's because I didn't do enough of that in my marriage, or at least I don't think I did. You know what I mean? So I can see how you would want to tiptoe through things or feel like you're walking on rice paper. Because you don't you think, OK, I'm going to get into this relationship. I'm going to have a good start to it and somewhere.

Tina (: 08:04

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 08:26

I'm gonna do the same shit I did in the last one or I'm gonna say something wrong so I have to like think about what I say all the time and then you're maybe not being yourself or you are just afraid to see what's going to happen next because you've been in this constant cycle

of shitty relationships. I mean, I know, I get it. And I know several people. I do have someone close to me that I can really kind of lean on and tell you the story. But I know, like my friend in Vegas, the same way. She was so mentally abused by her husband for so long.

Tina (: 08:53

Can I hear you?

I don't know.

Robb (: 09:16

She he hammered her to make her feel she wasn't pretty that no one was ever gonna want her He's got two kids if you divorce me who's gonna want to ever be with you, you know, you're She was like and when I mean like a stick she was She went to junior high with me and she actually went to high school with us. she Was heavier but not you know, I wouldn't say, you know horribly bad

But she always thought she was so like when I ended up seeing her later on she was like absurdly skinny and To the point where like I think he just hammered that into her that you know Who's gonna want you look at you? You're this way in that way? never physically touched ever But so mentally put down that

she literally felt that no one would want her. And I think finally after she got a divorce, it took her years to feel comfortable about dating someone because she didn't think anyone would want her.

Tina (: 10:26

I I remember saying one time that I I would personally if I had to have a choice between physical and emotional abuse I would take the physical because everybody sees the pain they see the bruises they see everything on you and And they'll cut you some slack because of it But if you go through emotional abuse you're you're suffering in silence because nobody's gonna know Anything that you're going through and and I've been through

Robb (: 10:52

Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I kind of heard the same thing for my friend. She said something that was that was pretty poignant and and

Tina (: 10:54

I've been through both in my life. mean, how could I not at this age? We are all going to experience it, but I would personally take a sock to the job before I would take somebody emotionally being abusive to me. just doesn't right anymore.

Robb (: 11:19

I mean pardon the pun really kind of hit me because she was very physically abused at one point in her life her first husband just laid into her a lot but this is what she told me after her last relationship she was in with just a mentally abusive narcissistic alcoholic she said that when you get hit you hurt you heal

Tina (: 11:31

hammered off.

Robb (: 11:48

When you're mentally abused and verbally abused, you can't get the words out of your head. And I've seen it with the same person. She's been out of the relationship about a year, a little over a year and doing very well. I think she's, you know, doing her best. And then the person will call her and just think goes right back into.

Even though she knows she'll never be with him again. Like not everything. It's just it's that constant reminder. And I kind of had to say something to her one time. go, look. You picking up the phone is a dopamine hit to him, even though he might understand he'll never be with you, even though you've told him 100 times, you'll never be with him. He understands that he's still got a hook in you because you pick up every time.

and you talk to him. Correct. I do believe that the number was blocked and he was using Google numbers, which is I had no idea what they were until my son told me. My son goes, yeah, if you go on Google, you can get a.

Tina (: 12:47

It's also you know, why doesn't she just block his number? Because you if you if you leave the door open they'll walk through it

Robb (: 13:12

a phone number from them and it's like a physical number and you can call people. So I think that's what was happening for you know quite a long time and I think is what's happening now. But he I mean he went a long time without doing it and then out of nowhere he was like I had a dream about you and blah blah blah. And look it's hard to cut people off we've talked about that.

I'm kind of a weirdo about it, though. Like when I do, I do like my friend in North Carolina, which I was about ready to move there. I haven't really talked to her in three years. Yeah, you know, but and I've she's very much a friend. I text her at Christmas. I text her on her birthday. And when there was issues in North Carolina, like they were having hurricane issues and flooding, I text her just to make sure she was OK.

Tina (: 13:53

Wow.

Robb (: 14:09

But it was like, is everything okay? Yeah, we're fine. Cool. And that was it. Like no depth, no nothing. So I think, you you have to be in a certain place though to do that. You have to understand certain things. I've seen this with many, like men are good at it. at least that's what I, and I'll say this from a man point of view. I think men,

They'll wait six months and then call you just to see what you're doing to see if you I don't believe women are like that. I could be wrong. You'd have to be more in that sphere with the people that you talk to I don't I don't see women doing that only and I'll tell you why I think if from the battle of the sexes Women can go to a bar tonight and get laid

Right? Or if you want attention, it's not hard. Post a picture on whatever social media you'll get attention. It's not difficult. Men, think their thing is they could post a picture of them online and get no traction. But if they text their ex, their ex and she bites, you're going to get that attention now. And you're going to get attention that you wanted in the first place.

Tina (: 15:09

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 15:36

Do you know what I mean? So you're like, oh, I got her. She's talking to me again. Maybe I can convince her to come back to me. And I've seen it with many of my female friends that it's happened that way. You know, I'll get, oh, this person texts me again and I haven't talked to him in a year. Like, oh, okay, well, did you bite? Did you say something? Like, oh yeah, we talked. Okay, then he's got you. As soon as you say hello or as soon as you say, you know,

Tina (: 16:00

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 16:04

Even if you say please don't text me anymore You know you bit the hook you might not have hooked you in and And not that that's a knock on anybody. I think that I'm just as bad You know, I you know, if you like somebody you're going if they text you you're going to bite nine times out of ten You know, I mean I haven't talked to some people for years and as soon as they text me I was like, okay and here I go Yeah now

Tina (: 16:23

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 16:29

Here we go again.

Robb (: 16:33

To be fair, think that if what usually when I bite though, it's because I can You know, I if I was in a relationship, I wouldn't bite. That's not my thing. I I'm unfortunately, I'm a true cancer So when I'm in a relationship, there is nobody else And there's no way of really taking that away from me, which is even scarier like, know, I've been I was in relationships before and

Tina (: 16:42

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 16:57

Right.

Robb (: 17:01

older flames hit me up and I was like I'm with somebody sorry it's not my thing you know yeah no exactly I think that they're just testing the water as well you know old you know we were talking about doing a show on old flames which we probably should but you know old flames are dangerous you know because it's it's easy to fall back into that being comfortable

Tina (: 17:07

But they get that though because they've already been with you.

Tina (: 17:13

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 17:29

And I think that that's what happens with a lot of these things that we're talking about. You know, the person that, that you're don't want to be with, and then they call you or text you, you're so comfortable with what it was that you fall back into it. And it's not hard to understand. But I think that person that has this trauma, it's.

Tina (: 17:29

Right.

Tina (: 17:49

Now you're right.

Robb (: 17:57

It's a difficult thing for a lot of people on the outside to understand. It's like you were in this shitty thing and maybe the person that's hitting you up is going to be a good person for you, but you're so terrified or scared or fearful that for whatever reason, it might not work. And I get it, because I've been down that road.

was involved with somebody that it it got going somewhere very quickly and I was very like whoa like hold on a second we got to pump the brakes here like it's this is going quick and and it scared me because I lived in another state at the time and they were like telling me that they wanted to move where I lived and and had kids and would

uproot their whole life. And I was like, I know, I thought we were having fun. So it's, I can, I can see it. It's, it's scary. And maybe that was my trauma. I was maybe I was, you know, I had not been divorced very long at the time. And I think that I was just like, wait a second. Like, I just got out of something that was like, that was pretty serious.

Tina (: 19:01

Hmm.

Tina (: 19:22

Right?

Robb (: 19:23

So, you know, and, but it's hard. I, and I think that it's hard looking from the other side, you know, in, if you're the person chasing that person and you're like, I don't get it. Like, why don't you want to try or whatever? So trauma is deep and some of it is so difficult to get yourself out of for whatever reason.

Tina (: 19:49

It's very true.

Robb (: 19:50

Our own brain is a scary, scary thing. It can, it can lock you in. I, I saw a meme. I believe I posted it. Let me, let me go right here. I did. And it says funny thing about the mind. It can trap and free you at the same time. It's super true. You know, it's.

Tina (: 19:54

can be.

Tina (: 20:13

that's cool. It's true.

Robb (: 20:19

You can, you can trap yourself very easy in something and think that you're, you're not good. You're not well, you're never going to make it. You can't get this job. They don't see that you're good at it. Whatever it is, you can, you can talk yourself out of the best thing in the world. And you can free yourself from the worst thing in the world by just going, this is

better for me. I can do this. It's, it's awesome. And it's going to work. And this and that. So I don't know, I was, it just happened to be I was listening to a podcast this morning on the way to work. Not that we know them, but it's the subtle art of not giving a fuck podcast. It's really, really good. But they had a psychologist on today and she was kind of saying that. And at the end of this thing, I thought it was very funny because

Tina (: 21:08

you

Robb (: 21:18

they started talking about relationships and being healed and she goes the the thing that people think is that you have to be healed to get in a relationship and everyone there's her and then the two hosts the two guys that host it and everyone broke out in laughter and the one guy goes well i hope you like being alone forever because the truth of the matter is

If you're trying to get in a relationship and you have to be 100 % healed and the person that's getting in the relationship with you has to be 100 % healed, no one will ever be in a relationship ever again. And I thought that that was poignant because I mean, they kind of broke out in laughter, but then she kind of broke it down. Like that's not how the human mind works. The human mind works when you go, they're not perfect.

Tina (: 22:00

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 22:16

I'm not perfect. Let's not be perfect together, but work with each other to have the best possible relationship we can. And man, like, it's the only way to be. And this is coming from the mind of a psychologist who literally breaks down relationships. That's mostly what she does. No, go, go,

Tina (: 22:28

That's the way to be though.

Yeah.

Tina (: 22:40

I was saying to a friend that like why be so rigid if you're dating why not try things that you once thought you didn't like why not go back to things and and you know I'm not a fan of rain never have been and everybody says why don't you like the rain I have no damn idea why I don't like the rain I just don't like it but then

in talking to my friend, she was like, well, wouldn't it be cool to take a walk in the rain and like skip around and throw some? And I'm like, I don't know, because I don't do that. I don't like the rain. But then I was thinking, really, why don't I like the rain? Why don't I try to do that? Why don't I take another stab at it and see if I could change my reaction to it? Or like somebody said, why don't you ever wear red lipstick? And I was like, I don't know. I just don't like.

Robb (: 23:12

Right.

Tina (: 23:37

to have my lips look that bright on my face. But then I was like, why don't I try red lipstick? You know, don't have an aversion to it. Why am I not doing something different? But in doing that, you know, then she said, so I did things like that. I started to try to do things his way. And then he said that I lost myself. And I was like, my gosh.

Robb (: 23:41

Great.

Robb (: 24:04

you

Tina (: 24:05

What is the right answer? You try new things? You try to accommodate the person that you're with? Or do you say, I don't do that. I don't like that and stuff. And I'm thinking to myself, OK, so if you want to heal, what do you do? Do you try it? Do you not try it? Do you stand your ground? Do you cave in?

I looking at all these things and I was like, either way you're screwed. you don't, if you don't, um, give the person their way and you're always the one taking your way, they're not going to want to be with you. a pain in the ass. But if you want to be there and try to go through things and try to, you know, change your, your narrative, then you're weak and you're, you're compromising for me and I don't want that. And so,

It's funny how you live in a constant balance with what, you know, what is right for you, but also what is right for your partner. And I find that people that have a lot of trauma, they can't decipher that. can't.

They can't.

They can't figure out what is right for them to do in the situation. then I'm thinking like, shit, do I still have stuff that's wrong with me? Because I'm having a hard time. Yeah, I don't like the rain, but should I go out and run around in it and see if I could like it again? Or should I say, no, I don't want to compromise. don't do that.

Robb (: 25:33

It's

Tina (: 25:43

And I find that, especially because of the situations that I've been in in my life, I do find that I try to just appease people, to shut them up, because it's really not that big of a deal to me. But then shouldn't things be a big deal? I don't know. See, I'm still, are you healed or are you not healed? You know, it's a constant state of change.

Robb (: 26:07

Yeah, I think it's a constant thing of healing. Right? The thing with, you know, we'll use the analogy of a cut. You know, a cut, a deep cut takes a long time to heal, but it's still healing. But that doesn't mean that you don't

Tina (: 26:11

There you go.

Robb (: 26:29

put a bandaid on it and still go play around. You just know that you've got to cut and you have to be extra careful not to open it up again. So I think trauma is very much kind of a concrete block in front of things that you want to go do. It's an easy thing to say, like, I don't want to do this because of what happened before.

Tina (: 26:33

Right.

Robb (: 26:58

And I think a lot of us think I like that that are divorced, right? It's a scary thought to think I'm going to give my heart away again, knowing that the person that I like at this particular time can break it and stomp on it and make me feel utterly hopeless again. It's hard, scary. Whether it's marriage or a relationship, but I just think

The thing with trauma too that I think is that the heart and the head You know will never agree because one thinks logically and one thinks emotionally But the only way to survive on this world is to look at logic and act with emotion Logically, you know not to jump out of a fucking airplane, even though you have a parachute on it's

Because we're not supposed to jump out airplanes, right? But but emotionally you're going to get this rush of adrenaline. You're going to have this huge dopamine hit. You're going to get high. Your eyes are going to open all wide and the parachute is going to open and you're going to hit the ground and you're going to walk away. That's right, you know, 98 % of the time, whatever that is, right, whatever. And I think relationships.

Tina (: 27:59

Yeah, we don't fly.

Tina (: 28:17

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 28:25

not counting marriage because we know that the statistics are, although the statistics are getting better now. I heard it's not 50 % anymore, it's about 46 % failure rate. yeah, so it's, it is, but I also think that less people are getting married. So there's also that. So less people are getting married, but they're actually staying longer, which is good. But I think that again,

Tina (: 28:36

Really? That's a huge change.

Tina (: 28:44

Okay.

Robb (: 28:55

without deep in diving too deep into that. It also could be that Gen Xers are getting remarried later and they're finding a better mate and now they're just dying with each other. So, you know, there could be a few things jaded, but I think that, you know, it's sticking your toes in the water. That's the hard part where and not a lot of people like to just jump in the water.

Tina (: 29:23

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 29:25

I'm unfortunately that person. I would rather try and fail and get my heart broken so I don't live with this regret of not trying or not doing or what might have beens are the worst thing ever. And look, we're gonna have those anyway, right? With early relationships, with...

Tina (: 29:44

Yeah, I don't want to be on my deathbed thinking about that.

Robb (: 29:53

high school sweethearts with, you know, there's always gonna be a might have been, but I think you grow out of those might have beens because of maturity. You're like, I was a young punk then and she showed up my house in a trench coat and it was hard not to say yes. There's, you know what mean? There's things that are easily looked at. And I think that as we grow older, you know, there is a lot on the line. We have stuff to lose, but I think that

Tina (: 30:09

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 30:22

Long term, the trauma of not being in a relationship is worse for you, statistically speaking. Married people live longer. Married people are happier per capita when they're asked, you know, in the field when people are doing these, these Gallup polls on, you know, are you happy? Are you married? blah, blah, blah. And

I saw a thing on it where they're asking people when they do these polls, they're alone. So they're not with their significant other. So they're saying that it's less likely to be flawed by lying because your mate is in front of you. So, you know, there is something to that. We're we're social creatures. The psychologist that I was listening to even kind of said it like at the end of the day.

being independent and alone and all these things that we all think that we can do because we can, we're just not happy doing it. And trauma will make you not wanna do it more. You know, I failed at this one, I failed at this, I failed at this marriage, this one sucked, do I wanna be a third timer? Do I wanna be a second timer? I mean, I gotta give my mom credit, man. She was a four timer.

Tina (: 31:28

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 31:47

Thank

Robb (: 31:47

None of them worked. But she tried four times. I got to give her some credit and she, there's something about that. I got to give her credit on both sides. When she wasn't happy she got out and when she thought that it would work, she tried it. lot to be said about that. And I'm, and I know my mom had trauma now that I got to read her diary that I probably should have never read.

So there's there was stuff there, but it's funny to read her writings about certain things in her life where. Lots of regret. But. There was things where she just kept going, and I think that for me, I think there's something to that. don't. Look, no one wants to settle, and I think that that comes along with trauma as well. Like I don't want to settle. We're all going to settle.

Tina (: 32:17

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 32:46

That I don't care what you say. No if you if you're gonna start checking off boxes for your next mate good luck You're gonna be alone probably miserable and you know Pardon the pun, but you're gonna be a cat lady or you're be a cat guy or a dog guy or whatever it is Relationships are hard and trying to love someone who thinks they're unlovable I Will tell you is generally difficult. It's very hard

Tina (: 33:15

You think?

Robb (: 33:16

I'll tell, I know for a fact. It's difficult. No, it's baffling, but I believe that mental trauma

Tina (: 33:19

right? I don't I don't know why why it gets to that point where people hate on themselves to the point where it it

It stops them from what they want. It doesn't have to be like that.

Robb (: 33:43

When you have when you have several mates over and over tell you different things, but but mentally break you down. And let's just say that the person already has self-esteem issues. Then you're just, you know, they're already laying on the ground. You're putting you're not putting sheets of metal over them. You're putting full cars because now they they question everything.

He said this about this and he said this about that and you know, my butt's too flat now and it wasn't when we met and you know, you're you know, you're doing this and you know, now you're so thin and it's like why and I liked you when you were this way and it's like I guess I'm just I've changed like Everyone likes someone who's pretty I I don't care what you say everyone

Tina (: 34:12

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 34:41

But I think that that my thing is this is I would go to whoever I am dating or meeting or even the person that I like right now. I would go and sit down and go, tell me who you are. Because the person in front of me that I'm looking at is easy to like. If you find her pretty, if you find her beautiful, if she's stunning in your eyes and not to anyone else who gives a shit, but it's easy to like that. It's so easy.

Tina (: 35:10

Well, it starts with chemistry. If there's chemistry, everything else falls into place.

Robb (: 35:15

Right, but what I'm saying is that before you speak or before you ask anything, looking at them is easy. Ooh, she's pretty. I like you. You're pretty. Tell me who you are. And I'm telling you, people can't answer that. I asked somebody, I went on a date with somebody, very attractive, young girl. She was about 10 years younger than me.

Attractive and I said that exact same thing to her I go blah blah blah Tell me who you are and It was like deer in a headlight. She's like, huh? I go tell me who you are I go this is easy to like you're great tell me who you are and It was she didn't know what to say She's like you thought this out and I don't know and I don't have an answer It was like she goes well, who are you and I went I'm this this this this and this

but I know who I am. So even the person that I like right now, I can tell you what I like about them, that they may never even say who they are. But I've known this person a long time, so I'm a little jaded on this one. But it's hard. It's hard for people to understand who they are. And when they've been belittled so long,

by someone that they loved at one time. I think that's the bigger thing. This person... Yeah, this person loved you, said it to you, followed by, this is ugly, this is this, and this is this, and you're horrible, and no wonder things in your past happened to you. So then you're...

Tina (: 36:36

Thanks

It leaves a mark for sure.

Robb (: 37:00

You're now self-worth and self-doubt fucking fall like a brick because the person that supposedly loves you says all these shitty things about you. And then six months later calls you and says, Hey, I miss you. I wish I could be with you, but didn't you six months ago say that you didn't like this, this and this about me. It's it. The mental mind games are what this traumas that we're talking about, you know,

on top of your already self doubt. Cause I mean, I had lots of self doubt when I got divorced, lots of it. Thankfully, thankfully like I had a friend who picked me up and took me to my high school reunion. And thankfully you did cause I was in a really bad place then. Like really bad. And that night was great because I just happened to not give a shit.

Tina (: 37:44

you

Tina (: 37:49

I remember.

Robb (: 37:56

And I went in shorts and a t-shirt and said I don't give a shit if they whatever it is and Mm-hmm. yeah the tenure and the t-shirt. Yeah Yeah, and I look good at the ten I look smooth at the ten I don't and my friend you braided my long ass hair that night. I looked really good that night But when I went to this one, I was in such a weird place mentally

Tina (: 37:57

Mm-hmm.

Tina (: 38:01

you went into a total like really dressy suit at our tenure to shorts and a t-shirt at our 20th. I thought that was hilarious.

You did. You did.

I yeah.

Robb (: 38:26

that it was nice to go and just talk to people that I, I mean, I knew some and I didn't know others. And I ended up meeting, you know, I ended up actually meeting a girl that went to school with us, but a year before. And I mean, we messed around for a little while, but it was, it wasn't like a huge deal, but it was like an icebreaker for me to kind of get off the bench and, know, pardon the puns, swing the bat again.

Tina (: 38:54

I took another friend of mine that didn't go to school with us who is really good at building people up so that they have a good time and they're they don't give a shit and they're just fun and wild and free and amazing so I think she was good for both of us actually

Robb (: 38:57

Mm-hmm. Yeah. get this, here's the small, small world. The girl I was talking about that I went on a date with not too long ago knows her. Yeah.

Tina (: 39:19

Yeah? Stop it. How?

Robb (: 39:24

They're friends. They've been friends for years. Yeah. But yeah, so, but, but I get it. And, and I, and even after that, my confidence went down again, and then it went back up and then went back down and then went back up. There was a couple of roller coaster rides. And I think, you know, it does take something to change your, your views on things though. Like,

Tina (: 39:26

Stop it. Okay, we're talking about this off the air. That's funny.

Robb (: 39:54

Again, the girl I like now, I've been chasing a long time and I, since then I, but she raised my confidence level, like to a huge level and it kind of changed how I looked at things. Now, I'm not with her and my confidence with other people is probably very low, but I feel comfortable around her because she's actually my friend as well. So.

It's hard. The trauma is just a hard thing. It's It keeps I'm sure almost all of us from our potential or are you know? giving in to something that we should that psychologist she would talk she just wrote a book and she talked about she did a chapter on fear and She ended up having health scare

diagnosis that was scary to her. She never said what it was, but I'm assuming maybe a cancer scare or... Well, while she was going through this, she reread the chapter before it got published. She said she deleted the whole chapter and rewrote it because she... her look at fear was different. And she had a very good way of looking at fear.

Fear is never going to go away. The fear of whatever it is you're having a problem with. But she said, you have to be the predator and not the prey. It's okay to be scared, but you need to go towards it, not away from it. And I thought that was really brilliant. A person who's now going through a health scare that could probably kill them.

Tina (: 41:37

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 41:47

She the only thing she said is I have kids I have to finish my book and I'm not gonna let this beat me and she said that she found out the first thing she did instead of you know crawling to a hole is went to her husband and said we need to find better another doctor we need to get a second opinion we need to do this I need to know what we're gonna do if this happens like so she became the predator and I think that

Tina (: 41:56

That's right.

Robb (: 42:18

That's what people with trauma have to try to do. I'm not, and I'm not going to say it's easy. Look, I'm not a psychologist or a doctor or anything, but I think looking at your fears have to be predatory. You have to go, yeah, I'm scared to do this, but I'm going to do it anyway. And if it fails, I'm going to continue to do it the next time. Or if I'm in this marriage now,

Tina (: 42:38

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 42:43

And it starts to go sideways. I'm going to fight and fight and fight and I'm not going to give up on this just because I'm not happy for two days. It's, know, you love is a choice, not an emotion. You have to choose to fight and you have to choose to be in love with somebody because there's always going to be somebody better. There just is. That's kind of the that's the thing is

I found the person that I like and I'm choosing to love you over everyone else because that's why I want to be with you because there's something that you do to me that makes me want to fight for that. I don't want to be with anybody else even though they may be have a better body and make more money and do this or do that. I'm choosing you because of this. So the trauma responses have to be very difficult.

I wish I understood him more because I don't think I've ever gone through anything super traumatic. hmm. Yeah, it's yes, it's it's the thing of.

Tina (: 43:51

Even if you did, I don't think you'd understand it all. Because there's so many layers to the trauma and to how you build back up that it seems like it takes a lifetime, but you just get to the point where you don't let it ruin you or stop you or change your growth.

Robb (: 44:12

recognizing that you're that you're never going to be fully healed. And, and I think punching fear in the face and going, look, I don't, I don't care what happens after this, I'm going to try this. And if it doesn't work, I'm going to try it again, and I'm going to try it again, and I'm going to try it again. It's, it's just a difficult decision to do that.

Tina (: 44:40

It is.

Robb (: 44:42

And to look at yourself with in a deserving manner. I probably thought I didn't deserve certain things for a long time. I think now I, I know I deserve them. And I know that I can give somebody the love they need.

But I've also think I've just learned through reading and podcasts and several things, listening to psychologists talk that, you know, the biggest thing going forward for everybody, I think, if you've gone through trauma and you don't think you deserve to be loved, you have to understand that there's somebody out there who's going to love you like you want to be loved. Not like...

Tina (: 45:33

And everybody deserves to be loved.

Robb (: 45:35

Right and and they're as long as you're you're open and honest with somebody The person that is going to love you is going to love you the way you want to not the way they want you Not the way they want to be loved. It's a two-way street, right? Like love languages. We've gone over them before The person that I that I like she loves acts of service and I think that that's the easiest love language in the world

because I'm a person who likes to do acts of service. So for me, I'm like, you're not very difficult on that one, at least. I'm a difficult one because I like quality time and I like touch. So you know what I mean? It's like, there's these certain things where like you have to have a bridge to whoever you're gonna be with. Part of that bridge is sitting down with the person you like and going, this may not work.

but I wanna try and here's my trauma. Because you have to tell the person your trauma, real trauma. This is what triggers me sometimes. Just so you know, all these certain things. And that's both sides. Men can be triggered just as bad. It's just as bad of a thing. I think like any good relationship, it starts with communication. And after that, it's...

Tina (: 46:48

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 47:00

It's really opening up to somebody, which is the most difficult thing any of us can do on the planet. It's hard to open up to people. Well, and naked. You're naked. Yeah, you're very vulnerable. And it's for some people, it's very difficult. I used to, that was me.

Tina (: 47:10

Well yeah, because you're worried about being judged or rejected or told you were wrong. You're vulnerable.

Tina (: 47:29

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 47:30

I could not be honest with people. And I think that in the last seven years, I've said something to the person I like the most open I've ever been with probably anyone, including my wife. So it's you just have to get to a place where you're like, this person isn't going to take what I'm saying and use it against me. And

That's the hardest fear to get past. You know, I'm going to be vulnerable. Please don't. I saw a meme one time that was, I think, one of the better ones. says, I'm going to tell you everything that's that's been bad to me. Please don't use it against me. You know. And and it's yeah, and I've seen it, like I said, this one person literally said that to a girl I know.

Tina (: 48:04

It is.

Tina (: 48:19

That is so true.

Robb (: 48:28

No wonder this happened in your past because this is how you act like No asshole, she's acting like this because you're you're a prick and You don't understand how to handle someone I Just it's and and again, I could be wrong. Maybe I can't handle this person either but I Just you know, you see how someone else handled them and you go this guy never knew you

Tina (: 48:34

Mmm.

Robb (: 48:57

And I said, because you're like this, this and this. And she's like, yeah, yeah. See, I know because I know who you are because I listen to you. It's difficult. I don't know. That was one of the biggest memes I saw in a while that it's hard. People with trauma and people who have been hurt are they have so much armor on that they don't realize that they're drowning themselves when they jump in the water. They're just too heavy.

Tina (: 49:00

Mm-hmm.

Robb (: 49:25

You take it off. You gotta take it off and go, I might get hurt again, but this is the only way that I'm going to be able to move forward in life.

Tina (: 49:37

Yeah, because if you don't, and you stay stagnant forever, and you completely make your narrative come through, which is you are not worthy, and you do not deserve to be loved, and you deserve to get what you got.

Robb (: 49:54

And yeah, I think you just said it best right there if if you continue down the path you're just going to reinforce the ideas you think you have and And and I would say nine times out of ten you're wrong Because the right person just has to prove it to you All right, girly well look at that that was a quick 50 minutes really fast

Tina (: 50:02

Yeah, the crappy.

Tina (: 50:10

Mm-hmm.

Yep, that's very true.

Tina (: 50:20

went fast.

Robb (: 50:23

Yeah, you can check us out on pretty much every single podcasting Place you can think of I'm definitely doing social media way more I'm gonna teach Tina how to put it on her so other people can listen And please share because people are sharing it's nice Yeah, hopefully you guys are digging the show even more in any last words

Tina (: 50:52

Be kind to yourself. I know I say that a lot, but seriously, it's time to be kind to yourself.

Robb (: 51:00

Totally agree. Totally agree. In a world that can be sometimes utterly shitty and feel like it's falling in on you, realize that you can crawl past it. And hey, it's an opinion show. Don't get it twisted. Keep coming back every Wednesday for my co-host Tina. I am Rob. We'll see you in a week. Later.

Tina (: 51:11

Absolutely.

Tina (: 51:21

See ya.